Yesterday morning I was hanging around the house having a Boo Radley moment when the fucking door bell rings.
I open the door with a pants-less Girlfriend (who had just peed her panties) on my hip and who stands before me but two pubescent Jehovah Witnesses. They’re dressed in suits from Salvation Army and carrying equally sad looking brief cases full of “information” or as I call it “throw that shit in the recycle bin.” The tall one’s voice cracked as he says “good morning ma’am. Are you busy?”
“YES! I am!” I said and threw the door closed.
Had I been feeling better I would have invited them in so I could tell them how great birthday parties are and that some families get to keep daddy and mommy’s paychecks instead of handing them over to the church, or the temple, or the hall, or whatever they call it, but I was sick so whatever. Fuck them.
“Why are the Jehovahs sending their children to you? Don’t they know you’re Satan’s whore and can turn their boys into fire monsters without any effort at all? ”
I’m glad you asked.
They used to visit our old house and my stoopy husband would actually spend time talking to them. They came once a week at least and caught us in various states of wrong.
I once answered the door in my underwear holding a soaking wet and shaking Alice (long story, but I’ll give you the short version; I was giving her a bath).
Once I had my shirt half off with a 5 month old Girlfriend sucking from my boobie.
Mister answered in his underpants while holding a cast iron frying pan.
I dropped an f-bomb on them.
One day I opened the door to find a couple who looked exactly like Mister and me except I did not like her bag and so I said “Um, holy shit! The only thing is I would never carry that purse. So, yeah. No thanks.”
I told them we were devoted Catholics.
When that didn’t work, I told them we enjoy sacrificing kittens to the Dark Lord in our living room.
But nothing phases these fucking people!
They’ll take anybody!
I begged Mister to let me tell them to fuck off, but he wouldn’t and so off they did not fuck.
In fact, he enjoyed their company so much that when we moved, and this is unfuckingbelievable, he GAVE THEM OUR NEW ADDRESS AND INVITED THEM TO STOP BY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I went coo-coo for coco puffs when he told me what he had done and I think my head actually did a full 360 and the baby, who was only two at the time, said her longest sentence yet: “Daddy, I’m scared of Mommy.”
And every time they come I’m reminded of that scene from Poltergeist when this dude
comes up the front path singing “God is in his holy tem-ple.”
They seem so nice and then just when you trust them BAM!
No birthdays for you!
I’m up on Back Fence PDX today too. Sorry for all the reading. NO I”M NOT! Go read it people. You’ve got an opportunity to worship me some more today, you lucky sons of bitches.