Hi-Ho, Freak Show!

Yesterday morning I was hanging around the house having a Boo Radley moment when the fucking door bell rings.

I open the door with a pants-less Girlfriend (who had just peed her panties) on my hip and who stands before me but two pubescent Jehovah Witnesses. They’re dressed in suits from Salvation Army and carrying equally sad looking brief cases full of “information” or as I call it “throw that shit in the recycle bin.” The tall one’s voice cracked as he says “good morning ma’am. Are you busy?”

“YES! I am!” I said and threw the door closed.

Fucking hooligans.

Had I been feeling better I would have invited them in so I could tell them how great birthday parties are and that some families get to keep daddy and mommy’s paychecks instead of handing them over to the church, or the temple, or the hall, or whatever they call it, but I was sick so whatever. Fuck them.

“Why are the Jehovahs sending their children to you? Don’t they know you’re Satan’s whore and can turn their boys into fire monsters without any effort at all? ”

I’m glad you asked.

They used to visit our old house and my stoopy husband would actually spend time talking to them. They came once a week at least and caught us in various states of wrong.

I once answered the door in my underwear holding a soaking wet and shaking Alice (long story, but I’ll give you the short version; I was giving her a bath).

Once I had my shirt half off with a 5 month old Girlfriend sucking from my boobie.

Mister answered in his underpants while holding a cast iron frying pan.

I dropped an f-bomb on them.

One day I opened the door to find a couple who looked exactly like Mister and me except I did not like her bag and so I said “Um, holy shit! The only thing is I would never carry that purse. So, yeah. No thanks.

I told them we were devoted Catholics.

When that didn’t work, I told them we enjoy sacrificing kittens to the Dark Lord in our living room.

But nothing phases these fucking people!

They’ll take anybody!

I begged Mister to let me tell them to fuck off, but he wouldn’t and so off they did not fuck.

In fact, he enjoyed their company so much that when we moved, and this is unfuckingbelievable, he GAVE THEM OUR NEW ADDRESS AND INVITED THEM TO STOP BY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He Did!

And I went coo-coo for coco puffs when he told me what he had done and I think my head actually did a full 360 and the baby, who was only two at the time, said her longest sentence yet: “Daddy, I’m scared of Mommy.”

And every time they come I’m reminded of that scene from Poltergeist when this dude

comes up the front path singing “God is in his holy tem-ple.”

Remember that?

They seem so nice and then just when you trust them BAM!

No birthdays for you!

I’m up on Back Fence PDX today too. Sorry for all the reading. NO I”M NOT! Go read it people. You’ve got an opportunity to worship me some more today, you lucky sons of bitches.

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  1. Oh wow. We haven’t yet had the pleasure of them visiting us, but I’m sure that will come someday. *shudder*

    Maybe next time answer the door with your strap-on attached. Just an idea.

  2. The newf pulls over when they’re walking and asks when they’ll be in our neighbourhood. He offers them tea and talks about the bible. He frequently asks me if there is a number you can call to request a visit. Can you even imagine what my life would be like if Dial-a-Mormon existed???

    Oh wait…it would be exactly like yours.

  3. My friend in high school was a Jehovah’s Witness. He was fucking hot and I would have loved for him to stop by, even if he was spouting off stuff about God. I could have taught him a thing or two…

  4. When I was in college they used to stop by All The Time. Once my roommate and I were getting ready to have a bbq and she was already bikini-clad and in the kitchen cutting up steaks, when there was a knock on the door. She answered bloody knife in hand and said, “What the fuck do you want?” They never came back. So TOTALLY drop the F-bomb next time and I suggest being naked with bloody kitchen equipment in hand.

    One more thing: Bikes + Ugly Suits = Mormons

    Normal clothes + bibles = Jehovah Witnesses

    (I find Jehovah Witnesses to be slightly more tolerable – they will drink, cuss, etc.)

  5. You have to learn to do what I do when the religious come-a-callin’. I hide underneath a window and watch them until they leave. Next time answer the door in a Satan costume – or do a little Linda Blair-ish makeup and spin your head around again. That MIGHT help.

  6. Oh come now, I’m sure you were much less creepy than the ACTUAL Boo Radley (anyone else recall the movie version of TKAMB?). Hm, work on that and maybe they’ll stop coming by…

  7. You forgot the time that the guy actually helped Ken fix the car!

    I’m telling you, you need to make up a pamphlet yourself…you could call it “Why Birthdays are FUN”, or “If God is only letting 440,000 into Heaven–then wouldn’t you want to be with your friends for eternity?”

    Knock on their freakin’ door for once.

    With your fabulous blue purse that is…

  8. Leah- THAT’S GENIUS!!

    Ben-I’m afraid it would, yes.

    Jamie- Too bad you didn’t get a chance to show him the dark side.

    Lynne- I like your idea combined with Leah’s.

    Stealthnerd- I am way, way creepier than Boo Radley. Way.

    Marie- I think they love me so much because if they “save” me or whatever the rewards will be ten fold. I mean there must be extra points for saving someone like me, right?

    Rach- Oh yeah! I did forget that time they helped Ken fix his brakes! Good call.

    Melissa- DO IT and report back. I’d love to know how that goes! And thanks for the Back Fence opportunity. It was fun!

  9. Ugh! Why can’t they take a hint!!! My first husband never told me his sister and brother in law were part of this demon cult. Let’s just say the Sunday barbeques were a wee bit too much to handle. And although I can’t pin point a reason for the demise of our marriage, I can’t help but think it was the Dinner-that-didn’t-happen-on-Thanksgiving-Thursday-but-on-that-every-other-normal-day-Friday where the coffee table was littered with The Watchtower booklets. That was an interesting dinner of “my religion is better than your religion” conversation. Hmmm….Oh, well. Now he (they)are the ex.

  10. If this is what happens to people you don’t like who come to your door – I can’t wait to find out what will happen if I come to your door!

  11. Tara: They’re allowed to drink and swear? Holy shit! Sign me the fuck up!

    Shelly- Ha, ha, ha!! That would probably do it!

    Chris- It all depends on whether or not you’re holding a bottle of Vodka. Choose wisely.

  12. Save you??!! Did you not tell them the story of how you saved that kid that was drowning?! You should tell them about that next time and ask them if THEY’VE done anything like that.

  13. They must know what a catch you’d be. It’d be like if you were a fisherman and you caught the legendary fish that people say doesn’t even exist. The Jehovah’s witness who saves you would be worshiped by all the other Jehovah’s witness’s.

  14. I hate them. I hate that I get excited when the doorbell rings because I think it might be a fun visitor or a package or flowers because I’m so awesome, and then I open it and see them. I hate them.

  15. I had two Spanish ladies come and tell me I needed to worship the Holy Mother because she was coming…

    “Really? Well shit, I haven’t called her on her birthday…like ever….am I going to get guilted about that?”

  16. They came to my door once and asked me if I was getting enough sleep and left me a pamphlet. I thought they were psychics until Justin explained the situation.

  17. “Once I had my shirt half off with a 5 month old Girlfriend sucking from my boobie.

    Mister answered in his underpants while holding a cast iron frying pan.

    I dropped an f-bomb on them.”

    OMG! this same thing happened to me only minus the frying pan, the kid was 3 months old, it was Thanksgiving and I told them “no thank you” to their pamphlets and when they asked why not I said “I’m Pagan” it worked! they almost ran away from me. and it works everytime I swear! Try it.

  18. I am totally with Ken on this one. I love talking to the Jehovahs if they look good. I look through my little peephole and decide whether to let them in, but more often than not they are presentable and look like they could be fun. I am especially fond of Jehovahs with nice hair. You know, the Jojoba’s Witnesses. And, come on, they are in your home and you are half naked. So far, I haven’t gotten anywhere with any of them, but you never know.

    I never get mormons in NYC. Just Jojoba’s Witnesses. I think the mormons are a west coast thang.

  19. They’re so annoying. I mean, seriously. I love the various stages of them visiting you. I’m definitely thinking of crazy ways to answer the door next time.

    They used to approach us on campus. I was great at the “walk straight, look forward, don’t make eye contact” maneuver, but when that failed, i would honestly tell them that I’m Jewish and plan on staying that way. It worked, usually.

  20. This brings back memories of the neighborhood I grew up in. Back in the early 80’s when people actually knew their neighors…and Moms had the luxury of staying home w/ the kids…. We had what was called the “Neighborhood Jehova Alert” when one Mom saw them coming she’d call the other few Moms, doors would close, and everyone would hide behind the curtains until their fingers were sore from ringing the doorbells and would exit the neighborhood. Not nearly as much fun as you guys though!

  21. Did I ever mention that my Boss @ the Vineyard has a kid w/ a t-shirt that states “Gods Army” I can’t believe I have’nt burst into flames on their property.

  22. I used to work with a Jehovah’s Witness. He was quite strange indeed. They don’t celebrate, like, ANYTHING. Not. Fun.

    He ate the Christmas cookies I brought in to work,though– reindeer shape be damned!

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