I feel like ass today. Not AN ass, just ass. I’m sick. But unfortunately it’s not amoebic dysentery like I’ve been praying for all these years. It’s almost like mono with a little bit of nausea and headaches and sore throat to go with it.
So instead of a real post today, I’m going to share with you a story that I wrote for Surviving Myself’s short story contest. I could not for the life of me figure out an ending, so I didn’t use it. I hate having things hanging around unfinished so maybe you guys can help me out with it and we’ll call it a group project.
Oh, how FUN!!!
Anyway, here is the story.
He was confused. Kevin could have sworn that he grabbed a plastic baggie on his way out to take Snow White, his girlfriend Monica’s spoiled little Maltese for a walk. “Where the hell did it go?” he wondered as he fumbled helplessly for the baggie. After a full search of the pockets in his suit, all he turned up was his purple Brooks’ Brother’s tie that made him feel like a corporate big dick whenever he wore it.
“You better not have to take a shit you little shit bag!” grumbled Kevin.
But today was not Kevin’s lucky day.
Snow White started spinning in a circle, the telltale sign that she was going to “go apples” as Monica so delicately put it.
“Noooooooooo! No! No! Please Snow White, not! Now!”
But it was too late.
Snow White went apples.
On the sidewalk.
In front of a church.
With the doors open.
During a funeral.
“Fuck it!” he said to himself. And he was hoping for a fast get away before anyone noticed he did not dispose of Snow White’s apples, but the dog wasn’t moving. He tugged on the pink rhinestone encrusted leash, but the bitch just wouldn’t budge. “Let’s! fucking! Go!” he said through his teeth, a little bit of spittle landing on his lower lip. Snow White still refused to move and was still squatting, but nothing seemed to be coming out…there seemed to be something… stuck…
“Awwww…fuck me!” said Kevin as upon closer, hands and knees investigation, he realized that Snow White had what resembled the string of a tampon from Monica’s trash sticking out of her butt with a wad of shit dangling from the end of it.
He scanned the ground for something to pull the string with.
“Of all the god damned times NOT to find fucking litter on the ground…”
The people sitting toward the back of the church heard the commotion and turned to see Kevin on his hands and knees staring at the dog’s ass.
“Good morning” whispered Kevin, embarrassed as hell, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS???
Hell if I know.
Help me Internets!
I’m not sure, but I think that the story I submitted is being posted today, so go see it.
It’s a real EYE opener.
Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!
- I Love The Way Your Bikini Matches Your Parka Mabel!
- I talked about celery for two hours, I saw a spider as big as my head and then I spilled the baby’s dinner. My life is so interesting it will make you weep.
- Suck A Fat Dick Newswankers
- Hi-Ho, Freak Show!
- I Have A Hangover and I’m Mad About My Trash Can