I Am Ass

I feel like ass today. Not AN ass, just ass. I’m sick. But unfortunately it’s not amoebic dysentery like I’ve been praying for all these years. It’s almost like mono with a little bit of nausea and headaches and sore throat to go with it.

So instead of a real post today, I’m going to share with you a story that I wrote for Surviving Myself’s short story contest. I could not for the life of me figure out an ending, so I didn’t use it. I hate having things hanging around unfinished so maybe you guys can help me out with it and we’ll call it a group project.

Oh, how FUN!!!

Anyway, here is the story.

He was confused. Kevin could have sworn that he grabbed a plastic baggie on his way out to take Snow White, his girlfriend Monica’s spoiled little Maltese for a walk. “Where the hell did it go?” he wondered as he fumbled helplessly for the baggie. After a full search of the pockets in his suit, all he turned up was his purple Brooks’ Brother’s tie that made him feel like a corporate big dick whenever he wore it.

“You better not have to take a shit you little shit bag!” grumbled Kevin.

But today was not Kevin’s lucky day.

Snow White started spinning in a circle, the telltale sign that she was going to “go apples” as Monica so delicately put it.

“Noooooooooo! No! No! Please Snow White, not! Now!”
But it was too late.
Snow White went apples.
On the sidewalk.
In front of a church.
With the doors open.
During a funeral.
“Fuck it!” he said to himself. And he was hoping for a fast get away before anyone noticed he did not dispose of Snow White’s apples, but the dog wasn’t moving. He tugged on the pink rhinestone encrusted leash, but the bitch just wouldn’t budge. “Let’s! fucking! Go!” he said through his teeth, a little bit of spittle landing on his lower lip. Snow White still refused to move and was still squatting, but nothing seemed to be coming out…there seemed to be something… stuck…
“Awwww…fuck me!” said Kevin as upon closer, hands and knees investigation, he realized that Snow White had what resembled the string of a tampon from Monica’s trash sticking out of her butt with a wad of shit dangling from the end of it.

He scanned the ground for something to pull the string with.

Nothing.

“Of all the god damned times NOT to find fucking litter on the ground…”

The people sitting toward the back of the church heard the commotion and turned to see Kevin on his hands and knees staring at the dog’s ass.

“Good morning” whispered Kevin, embarrassed as hell, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS???

Hell if I know.

Help me Internets!

I’m not sure, but I think that the story I submitted is being posted today, so go see it.

It’s a real EYE opener.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

I’m funny.

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18 comments

  1. I’m sorry you don’t feel well. Take a Benadryl and have a couple of shots of booze with one of those little cups of Nyquil before you head to work. That always works for me.

    Kevin realizes he must do something. He has an idea.

    Kevin carefully removes a shoe. He then removes a sock. He balls up the sock and uses it to tug at the string. A Tamponimal™ pops out. It is hard to tell what animal it once was. It looks like a dwarf. Kevin laughs to himself. He drops the nasty Tamponimal™ and sock to the ground.

    Kevin reaches for his shoe and then realizes that he placed his shoe squarely in Snow White’s apples. Worse, he dropped the shit-covered Tamponimal™ into his shoe.

    “Damnit!” he says loudly. Then he turns to look toward the church and sees that several mourners are now gathered at the door to the church watching. “Don’t mind me.” He says. “This must be a very difficult time for you.”

    Kevin turns back to Snow White, who is still squatting. “What the fuck…?”

    Another string now protrudes from Snow White’s ass.

    “Damn you, Snow White,” he grumbles as he removes his other shoe. “How many of these goddamn dwarves did you swallow?”

  2. Crissy, and you think my contest was hard? Not only do I have to come up with the ending to your short story, I have to make it funnier than Stoogepie’s. Thanks Stoogepie for setting the bar so high. Asshat.

  3. stoogepie- Nice. I think we should have written the story together. That $50 gift card would be all ours!!!!

    Neth- Between that and your semen/chocolate idea I think you two would be gazillionairs!

    Dingo- I know, right. ASSHAT!

    Matt- We shall see…

  4. I feel better knowing I’m not the only person who had more than one draft of more than one story b/c they just couldn’t finish the first one to save their lives….

  5. what does Kevin do? He asks all the funeral people if this is their dog, he just found it and it looks sick.

    “Could you hold the leash while I see if the owner is around?”

    Then he walks away whistling.

    His girlfriend will get over it…

  6. Stoogiepie has set the bar extremely high. I can’t for the life of me come up with something better than that. Especially in the morning. At work.

    However, I do have a remedy for you to feel better. Boil water. Squeeze honey into a cup along with some lemon. Then pour the hot water over the honey and lemon. Go into your liquor cabinet and get a bottle of scotch whiskey. Pour however much you want of the scotch into the honey-lemon-boiled water mixture. Trust me, you’ll be feeling better in no time.

    Or just drink the bottle of scotch. Hope you feel better soon!!

  7. Boo to feeling like ass. At least you will get better. Eventually. Unlike those sorry souls who are an ass. They’re stuck with it for life.

    Be good to you.

  8. I posted a comment and it didn’t come out! I SAID – I can’t help you with the story because I’m retarded. Also, you better feel better so you can come to work tomorrow!!

  9. …….

    A moment of silence passes, then a man seated in the pew smiles slightly and says to Kevin, “Don’t feel bad for us, you’re the one debating whether or not to do Bad Things to a dog.”

  10. Hahaha! This happened to my ex-husband. Except he wasn’t in front of a church, and he had a bag. I laughed hysterically when he told me he had to pull a tampon out of my dog’s ass.

    The garbage has a lid now.

  11. “…I’m so sorry for your loss”…

    And just then Snow White bore down and shot the shit covered tampon right in Kevin’s face. After witnessing this everyone in the back of the church died.

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