Cookies, People

Makes 2 dozen delightful moist and chewy cookies.

1/2 cup raspberry preserves
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup canola oil
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp almond extract
1/2 cup plus 2 tbsp unsweetened coco powder
1 1/2 cup all purpose flour
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt

Preheat over to 350. Lightly spray cookie sheet with pam.

Stir together raspberry shit, sugar, oil, vanilla, & almond extract.

In a separate bowl, sift together the dry ingredients and dump into the wet stuff. Do it in stages. Dump, stir, dump, stir, dump, stir, just like that. See? And then stir until combined and then roll the dough into walnut-sized balls and then flatten them with your palms. I hope you washed your hands before you started this project. Place on the cookie sheet and bake those fuckers for like 10 minutes. They don’t spread out when they’re baked so don’t panic. When you take them out, let them cool for 5 minutes before you transfer them to a rack to cool the rest of the way. I cannot recommend using a dish towel as a pot holder like I did because I burned my finger a little bit. So don’t be a lazy douchewad. Use the potholder. That’s why God made them.

And you’re done!

Eat them.

And for the love of all that is decent and holy in this world, do not put whipped cream on them or else the vegan mafia will come and beat your ass with whips made of hemp.

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  1. “Bake those fuckers for 10 minutes”
    You know that there is lost episode of Julia Child’s where she says the same thing….and when exactly do I add the rum??

  2. Why can’t you just make some and send them to me? I don’t have butterfly wings, I don’t have festive plates with stickers. I have nothing! NOTHING! And you won’t even make me some fucking cookies. Damn, girl.

  3. Thanks Crissy, I didn’t want to ask you to type it all out, but I really, really, really wanted it. You’re the best, girl.

    Rachel – you don’t add rum to the recipe, you DU
    NK them in rum before you eat them!!! Vodka works too! Or really good champagne!! Then you get drunk and throw tennis balls at cars…or maybe that’s just me!

  4. I know I posted earlier but I am having a lame kind of day – not that I wanted to waste this awesome weather I am having here in MA but my son who never naps actually had to today – so I have been reading your blog (older post)and I am laughing my ass off, thanks.

  5. Lisa- how about I just find some cookie dough and a bottle of Baileys? Then I won’t remember when I drive my kid’s power wheel to the video store for midget porn.

    wait, what? Who said that?

  6. Rachel…I think I need to party with you!!! On second thought, we need Crissy to join in…we’d have a blast! We just need someone to babysit the little monkeys.

  7. Aside from the delicious gooeyness that this blog makes me feel, i would have to say the best part is “bake those fuckers for 10 minutes”

    You are amazing! 🙂

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