A Video in which I Give Chocolate the Raspberry

So Aaaaaannnyway,

we made some wonderful cookies for Alena’s birthday on Tuesday. We brought some over to her on a Hello Kitty plate that Girlfriend decorated with stickers and they were a big hit. I saved about 10 for Mister because he always whines like a big baby if I bake for someone else and he doesn’t get any. He’s really a pain in the ass that way and they’re all gone now because he had himself a little stoner festival and ate them and shit all over their self-righteous, high horsey, veganness by putting whipped cream on them.

It’s like he didn’t care that they were vegan at. all!

So here’s the video and you should get this cookbook too because it’s realistic and doesn’t call for a lot of weird, dirty hippy ingredients that make the Whole Foods people moist in their crotchal areas. It’s almost like it’s for non-vegans and stuff.

And if you want the recipe, let me know and I’ll email it to you. I’d post it but I’m too lazy to type it out here and I’m banking on the fact that no one cares.

Except for cute little Leah who’s preggers . The baby likes cookies. Don’t worry Leah. My baby liked cookies too.

Cookies and VODKA!


I’m only kidding.


See? NOW you can call Child Protective Services.


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  1. Since I missed the ENTIRE hullabaloo yesterday, I must say…I am sorry that I wasn’t there to defend you.

    However, I was VERY impressed with all the Internet’s use of VERY BIG WORDS in all the appropriate places. Crissy, not only do you have a posse, but they are a semantically superior posse.

    And you may be the QOFE, but I think Stooge should run for president…with Lars as his running mate.

    And Rachel M. can be the moral majority as she is an expert at their tactics *judge*.

    Thanks for an enjoyable read of a fight I missed out on…and you know what I think?

    Jai is still lurking out there now…even he can’t turn away from your brilliance.

  2. I’m going to need a batch of those puppies for my birthday too. And I won’t mind if you accidentally spill some chocolate chips in there!

  3. Ummm.. Yeah. I just creamed myself. I’m still waiting for either a box of them delivered to my door, or the recipe in my inbox. ::taps fingers::

    Oh, and it’s only worth calling CPS if you let her drink it out of a glass. As long as she’s getting her alcohol in utero or in a baby bottle, you’re good to go.

  4. Rach- I have a sinking feeling that he’ll be back. I’m sure there’s something wrong with my cookie making.

    Lynne- Done and Done. And you don’t have to share with all those pigs at work.

    Leah- I’ll get that recipe to you ASAP. And thanks for filling me in on the laws on that one, WHEW!

  5. All I can say is you talk to Girlfriend like I talk to my dog. Good job! Perfect! Good girl! I think you need to treat Girlfriend better than that. Because one day, she’s going to grow up and have low self-esteem and blame you and all that crap.

    I kid. She won’t have any self-esteem at all. Plus, she’ll have a smokin’ vegan cookie recipe she can share with all her teeny-bopper friends. And that will surely make up for all the other stuff.

    (PS – I thought about not posting this because I didn’t know if you’d be super sensitive about this criticism. But, based on yesterday’s post, I’m taking it you can take criticism so long as it’s said with love. So, in case you couldn’t feel the love, let me tell you – it’s there.)

  6. […Besides, all the mommy blogggers sound like they’re having a good time. Crissy still gets to curse, yell at people, and reign proudly over the world…]

  7. So that’s what I’m missing when I’m cooking! Butterfly wings! I’ll make sure to have them on next time I bake, cook a meal, or walk to work.

  8. I have the veganomicon!!! I am going to make enchiladas for Dane this weekend and shove them down his suburban velveeta eating throat.

    I love you Dane!

    (He can’t hear me right?)

  9. So what did you do with the rest of the butterfly after you pulled off its wings? Did it go into the brownies? Oh wait, then it wouldn’t be vegan, right? But I bet it would taste yummy.

  10. i actually really do want the recipe. i’m going to cook a vegan meal on thursday for my girlfriends and i. it would be the perfect dessert!

    i’d appreciate it! clevelandsaplum @ gmail . com

    thanks darrrrrrrling

  11. Veganoicon sounds like a manifesto. Soon we’ll all be wearing hemp bracelets and subverting the dominant paradigm.

    I watched that video with Arch, and when girlfriend came on, I explained that’s his future wife, and that the blond woman was his future mother in law. Thirteen isn’t too young for an arranged marriage, is it?

  12. Good to see someone is still wearing the LiveStrong bracelet.

    Could there be a harder name than veganomigon? Why not just call it Veganominonomonoighughirytsj.

  13. Nilsa- I’m hurt. I do not feel the love.

    Ben- You make me sound so…so…FABULOUS! And just a little bit trashy.

    Shelly- I’m posting it tomorrow on the blog. So come back to see tomorrow. So much for being lazy. Now I have a project! UGH! You people are killing me.

    Marie- I’d skip them on the walk to work. They’re really only effective in the kitchen.

    Arielle- I think you’d have to find some other thing that would add moisture. I’m posting the recipe on the blog tomorrow so you can see it and play around with it.

    Rachel M- Mine isn’t either, so what I usually do is just drink it in a can and have her toss the can up to me.

    Kiala- Actually, I think he CAN hear you. You’re fucked.

    Dingo- Butterfly wing brownies? Have you been hanging around with Odd Boy again?

    Alexa- Come tomorrow and it will be here.

    Melissa- I was hoping you’d say that. No. I don’t think 13 is too young at all. I think maybe 4 is good. They probably won’t be shitting their pants anymore by then. See you next year!

    Chris- I like that, but I think the cookies work best as bookends–cookies, vodka, tequila, cookies, but that’s just me.

    Megan- The cookies are really not good for you at all. Without the milk and eggs and butter, they have pretty much zero redeeming value. But they taste good, so fuck it.

    rs27- I don’t have the heart to tell her they’re not cool anymore.

  14. Those cookies look like they would be awesome after a juicy cheeseburger. If there is also a recipe in the cookbook for a juicy cheeseburger without those weird, dirty hippy ingredients, I might buy the book (from a local bookseller that pays its employees a fair wage and gives them benefits, of course).

    I have a request that I do not think is unreasonable. Next video, can both you and Girlfriend wear the butterfly wings?

  15. Yum! I gotta try these myself with some potato chips. Your girlfriends are good helpers. You are fabulous and a little bit trashy.
    But I hate to admit it, Denise, the “butter lady” had a more wild evening.

  16. Dang! I really wanted to wear them to work. But I think you’re right, they are more effective in the kitchen.

    Oh and to answer your question about “citu” yes that does mean grandmother as well but it literally means “his grandmother.” Arabic is just such a complicated language. Ugh.

  17. Your daughter is so cute. I have a 3 yr. old son who loves to bake with me. I just found your site – lots of laughs, you are a riot. I will be back to read more.

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