What the Fuck is Wrong with People? Version 2.0

For today I had a lovely little video planned for you wherein Girlfriend and I made vegan chocolate raspberry cookies for her friend Alena’s birthday, but then I woke up to find a hater on my blog again.

Apparently my rantyness yesterday about crosswalks and my ignorance of crosswalk law, ruffled the feathers of this dude who wrote,

I certainly understand your frustration. The thing is, you said…”you have to STOP when a pedestrian enters the crosswalk.” But that is not true entirely. A pedestrian cannot enter the crosswalk until it is safe to cross. Once it is safe to cross and you start to cross you have the right of way. If there is a pedestrian crosswalk signal you only have the right of way when it says you do.

So no, they don’t have to stop just because you walk out into the crosswalk, you have to wait until it is safe before you try.

It’s a common mistake, you are not alone. But if you are going to rant, you might want to get the law straight first.


And so I called him a condescending prick.

And then this morning this was there and I don’t know why I’m putting all this here because you could go to the comments section from yesterday’s post and read it all yourselves but anyway, here:

Hmmmm, if information offends you…I guess. I just would have guessed from the tone of what you write you could handle bluntness. You call people “cunt” just for not saying hello. Get over yourself.


And I’m not writing this so you guys will go over there to fuck him up because

A. He doesn’t deserve the traffic and the attention. There are 550 of you coming here, that’s right playas I see you!, every day and I’m not willing to share you with people who don’t play nice and worship the Queen.
B. His blog is the most self important bunch of bizzaro crap I’ve ever seen. There’s nothing to even comment on.
C. This isn’t really even about him and his stupid comment. I’m just using it as an example.

There’s a bigger picture here.

Last week we had this lady:

Wow. I thought I’d see what one of the “hottest mommy bloggers” was writing about. I guess I am officially shocked at the extreme irreverence. I’m not bible-thumping or anything – but I don’t get it. This is funny? This is intelligent? This is just plain sad.

I’m not really sure what shocked her the most, the Jesus watching porn thing, or that Jesus pooper scoops his own lawn and doesn’t make St. Francis of Assisi do it instead, but it doesn’t matter because I actually was happy that someone finally took offense to something. It’s about damn time. I write some pretty offensive shit. So I said:

denise- I love you!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING!!!! Without people like you, being irreverent just wouldn’t be nearly so much fun. Come back again and bring your friends!

And then after that Chris, Rachel, stoogepie, Kiala, Dingo, Megkathleen, Melissa, and Jesse, and if you did it too and I forgot I’m sorry, all went and kicked her ass for the unprovoked assault. She apologized because she realized it’s rude to attack people on their own blogs.

Now I really don’t mind an opposing opinion. That’s fine by me. It’s the way that people handle things that bothers me. A few months ago, poor Kiala was brutally attacked after she made a JOKE on Twitter. It was awful and I felt terrible for her.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m nervous about the world. Everyone is so angry and looking for someone to shit on. Maybe it’s because they feel so shit on themselves?

I have no idea, but I’m wondering if anyone has a sense of humor anymore.

Except for you good people, I’m thinking there are a lot of folks out there who don’t.

I’m scared, Internet.

Hold me.

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  1. I find it interesting that your tongue-in-cheek approach to life is taken seriously by ANYONE. Does he also think you are really going to come strappin’ with a flame thrower? Is there a statute about that?


    PLEASE keep offending me regularly. Love you!

  2. You can tell that dude is a driver and not a walker, huh?

    People are lame. People who spend their online time writing nasty comments on blogs are the lamest. Don’t they know there’s porn chat rooms where people get off on being abused?? CMON.

    P.S. Are you on Twitter? I’m a new reader but I already need more of you in my life. @bboudreau

  3. Here’s the thing about reading your blog on the Internet. PEOPLE READ BY CHOICE. If they don’t like what they read they can first SUCK IT and second NEVER RETURN. Anyone who feels they need to poo-poo your hot sassy mommy blog is being self-righteous, elitist and is full of so much snobbery snot that I’m not sure all the Kleenex in the world could resolve their issues (nor time on a shrink’s couch). So, I say, keep doing what you do and we’ll keep loving you. That’s all that matters.

  4. Clearly you need a hug. As do I- for reasons you know of and to that end I concur that some people really do just suck. So, fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Anyone who doesn’t “get you” or your sense of humor should just take the stick out of their asses and beat themselves with it.

  5. Also keep in mind – that Jai dude gets like 3 comments on his posts so whatever. He’s also ugly and boring.

  6. I’m not even going to go over to Jai’s site and give him what for because where Denise’s insult was at least interesting and inflammatory, Jai is just boring. Boring. We are not about the boring. I say, if you are going to hate on Crissy, go. all. the. way. So we can send our flame-throwing and potato gun (Hi Kendra!) wielding posse your way.

  7. Man, assholes take all the joy out of being a dickwad myself.

    You know, a lot of people have a sense of humor. A whole lot. But a lot of people don’t know they are in the midst of a joke unless a laugh track comes on at the end of it. So maybe you need a laugh track! Or maybe you should get a drum set and a cymbal?

    I did a standup set last night and people like funny. Most people get it. But there are always the hecklers. I like hecklers. They provide a common enemy for you and the people who actually appreciate funny. Kind of like terrorists without the exploding shoes. Maybe you should put a Color-coded Threat Level System at the top of each post. Post about Jesus: Alert Level Red! Post about Traffic: I would have guessed Green but prickish little Jai would have proved me wrong, so Red! They’re all Red!!

  8. Rach- I always think it’s obvious that I’m kidding. I’m glad you get me.

    Nilsa- Thank you! And “snobbery snot?” you’re on a role this week lady!

    Neth- I miss Bren.

    Lynne- I do need a hug. Let’s go out for some drinks. I’ll drive. With your luck you’ll get a DUI after one glass of wine.

    Lynne- I told you not to go see him, you rebellious little vixen.

  9. Dingo- You’re right. If you’re gonna hate, at least make it interesting.

    stoogepie- Ooooo! I love the threat level idea! You’re such a genius.

    Leah- It’s not that I mind people giving me shit. They just have to do it nicely.

    Ben- THANK YOU!!! I’m not on Twitter. I have all I can do to keep up with the blog. Maybe I’ll consider it because you asked so sweetly.

  10. Ok, first of all dumbass mofo who commented on your blog about crosswalks has apparently NEVER been a pedestrian HIMSELF. Even when I’ve been crossing the street and the light is CLEARLY for PEDESTRIAN not CAR, I’ve almost been run over. There’s also something called being POLITE, COURTEOUS especially to a mother and her little girl!!

    That said, why are more and more people born without a sense of humor?! If anything, we need humor now more than ever in this crazy world we live in. And what’s more, DON’T READ A PERSON’S BLOG IF YOU TAKE OFFENSE TO IT.

    I’m sorry Crissy that these idiots can’t seem to chill out. Sending you lots of hugs.

    And p.s. You are awesome and hilarious and make me crack up every time I read your blog. 🙂

  11. I’m with Leah. There’s no need to be lame when commenting. UNLESS you can be lame and funny at the same time. Which, let’s face it, is a few people possess.

  12. What the fuck ever. 550 people wouldn’t come here if they weren’t amused by at least one offensive previous post!

  13. AND, she wasn’t offended by the Olestra Incident or the orgasm at the perfume counter or the man at the deli counter, but Jesus realistic schedule hurts her feelings?

  14. Hate to get technical here as I feel, in our blog gang we all have our roles, and I don’t want to step on Ken, however, driving laws vary from state to state. Here in Oregon, IT IS THE LAW TO YIELD TO PEDESTRIANS.

    From the Oregon Driver’s Manual:

    Drivers must recognize the special safety needs of pedestrians. Drivers
    should be especially alert for young, elderly, pedestrians who are disabled
    and intoxicated pedestrians. They are the most frequent victims in auto-
    pedestrian collisions.
    Generally, pedestrians have the right of way at all intersections. There is
    a crosswalk at every intersection, even if it is not marked by painted lines.
    To determine where an unmarked crosswalk is, imagine that the
    sidewalk or shoulder at the corner extends across the road and meets the
    sidewalk or shoulder on the other side. By law, the area included in the
    unmarked crosswalk is not less than six feet wide and exists even if there
    is no sidewalk or shoulder.
    Drivers must not block the crosswalk when stopped at a red light. You
    can not stop with a portion of your vehicle overhanging the crosswalk
    area. Blocking a crosswalk forces pedestrians to go around your vehicle,
    and puts them in a dangerous situation.
    You must stop and remain stopped for a pedestrian crossing at a
    crosswalk (marked or unmarked) when the pedestrian is:
    • In the lane in which your vehicle is traveling;
    • In a lane next to the lane in which your vehicle is traveling;
    • In the lane into which your vehicle is turning;

    Okay, that’s just Oregon though. In asshole-ville where this guy resides, maybe that’s not the case.

    I’m going to email you today and tell you something that will scare you even more. And then you can hold me. And Ken can bring the camera.

  15. Marie- Thank you!

    Stealthnerd- I’m lame and funny every day and it ain’t easy!

    Shelly- I get you too!

    just bob- what’s really scary is my dad’s name is bob.

    Megan- Totally.

    Nell- Wow! You weren’t kidding when you said you read EVERYTHING!! Love you! I don’t think she read past that post because if she had, she wouldn’t have had the balls to say “boo” to me.

    Matt- True.

    Melissa- Oh, dear. I’ll send you my work email so you can send it here.

  16. Arms wrapped around you letting you know you have one more friend to lean on.

    I have run into this on one of the other sites I write for and we see it there frequently. Assholes are assholes and it is best to ignore them.

    Really I saw yesterdays post more about having a little fucking common courtesy towards each other not a legal issue. The guy sounds like a dip shit that is part of the problem with this country. It’s all about me and fuck everyone else.

  17. P.S. I’m waiting for the UPS man to deliver vegan Raspberry Chocolate Cookies to my doorstep.

    Thanks for saving some and sending them my way! =)

  18. Fuck. That guy totally has prayer flags and Michael Frante Spearhead sticker on his 1987 Volkswagen van.

    Jai, you live in Portland don’t you? DON’T YOU? No, you’re even too douchey for Portland. I vote Berkeley, CA.

  19. melissa, i think lars pretty much nailed it for me yesterday — i was busy pondering the finer points of milfdom but he seems to be very well-versed in rhode island law. in fact i think it’s someone we know IRL, but i can’t be sure.


  20. ummm… leah, i hate to tell you this but i had a little mini-orgy last night with the cookies and a can of whipped cream.

    it was so good i didn’t even do a whippet, which i ALWAYS do.

  21. Jim- Thank you! Are you feeling better?

    Lynne- Perhaps.

    Leah- I’ll email the recipe. They’re really easy to make and there’s nothing in there that would hurt baby.

    Melissa- Ha, ha, ha, ha.

    Neth- What does IRL mean? And I can’t believe you shat all over my veganness with whipped cream. You were stoned weren’t you?

  22. I forgot to add that the SECOND you get Twitter you start stalking me like a teenage virgin!

    I’m @rbmmom

    This goes for anyone else that wants to know what goes on in my head….

  23. Yesterday I had someone attack my grammar anonymously, of course. I did a little research and she’s use to read my blog and leave nice comments under one name. Switched to another to leave douchey comments, then I called her out and now she’s back under another name.

    People are fucking idiots.

  24. Geez, now you are making me try to figure out something to attack you for. Hard problem, as most of what you have said so far is amusing.
    I know! Not enough pictures of boobies! That’s it! Less words, more boobie pictures!!!!! (as if there weren’t enough on the internets already)

  25. I have an idea. Let’s go to Mystic and see the slippery dick, then head to Jai’s area, and when he tries to cross the street BAM. Right in the front grill of your car, so you have to buy a new stickshift BMW.

    You can thank me for my genius later.

    And Ken, not cool. Those were meant for my belly.

  26. another thought- how are people getting offended by you crossing the street…but the whole burning mother fuckers thing goes unnoticed?

    odd. Obviously jaywalking is more serious than we thought.

  27. I think Ken meant In Rhode Island?

    In any case, thank you for the shout out in regards to the Portland AIDS mafia coming down on me with the hammer.

    Of course, that was the formation of our internet gang and even then, even in the beginning, we could shut a blog down. MY GOD WE ARE POWERFUL.

    Enough about me. The thing is, I don’t mind when people have differing opinions. That’s fine. It’s when they attack humor blogs – HUMOR BLOGS FOR CHRISSAKES – that I get all mad and spiteful. WTF? They aren’t fighting the good fight. They’re just ignorant. And boring.

    Also, no one’s fucks with our Crissy. EVAH.

  28. Ok, first someone needs to explain Twitter to me (using small words and short sentences, please), then when you join, TELL ME because every blog I go to people are twitting and tweeting and I’m confused and feel left out……….AND because everyone loves you, I want to follow you too….whatever that means in twitter langage……

  29. shelly- I just found twitter a little bit ago…you know that voice in your head that thinks in the form of a single sentence? That’s Twitter. You write a sentence or two about what is going on in your day, something that just popped in your head, or just how awesome Crissy (and I) am. It seems silly at first, then you find yourself checking it every 5 minutes.

    Now if you will excuse me, I have to see if I got Tweeted…

    mmm sounds kinky…..

  30. Rachel M.- ha, ha, ha! And I think I might join Twitter now. I’m fascinating.

    Dingo- Oh. God I’m dumb.

    Jamie- Yes they are and yes, I must be!

    JoeInVegas- I will try to include more boobies in the future.

    Chris- YEA!

    Leah- Wow. Those pregnancy hormoes make you a little fiesty! Love it.

    Matt- I know, right? Nobody even noticed the flame thrower part. I guess that means it’s okay. YESSSSS!!!!!

    Rach- That’s Coolest Cat in Town.

    Jim- I’m glad. Now get in the kitchen Bitch!

    Kiala- Seriously. Just a humor blog. Nothing to get excited about. Jeesus.

    Shelly- You and I will join together and be twitter virgins.

    Rachel M.-It does sound kinky…

  31. Ok…..Rachel M…..maybe twitter isn’t for me. Not that I expect everyone to read and love MY blog (read and love me, Bitches….ALL OF YOU….NOOOWWWWW), but have you looked at my blog? Or my comments to other blogs? I don’t think I’ve had a one sentence thought since I was 2……..I way over talk, way over think and WAAAYYYYY over type. Mabye twitter could be my 12 step program to try to be more concise……Chris from Surviving Myself would be much happier with me that way. See, right now he only tolerates me, but maybe he’ll love me like I love him if I keep it shorter and simpler.

    Sorry, Crissy, for hogging your blog comments talking to other commenters. That’s kind of rude, huh?

  32. I clicked on his blog like 35 times today. Should I have not done that?


    I do like how people are busting out the Drivers manual now. Go America! I burned my Drivers Manual and used it as a kindle once. While I at the DMV.

    Suck it DMV.

  33. Shelly- Not really. I don’t mind. Discussion is great! I tried to go join twitter but I didn’t understand the first question…

    rs27-No. No you shouldn’t have. Naughty boy.

  34. I just feel sorry for the guy – imagine what kind of pathetic lame life he must lead with a complete lack of sense of humor.

    I couldn’t resist, I had to check out his blog. You can tell within five seconds of looking at it that he is the biggest self righteous prick out there.

    As Chris would say What a bag of dicks.

  35. Wow, 550? I’m so lame. I get happy when I have 25… and 3 comments.
    Sigh. Oh well.
    Obviously it’s cause I’m not the queen of fucking everything.

  36. Crissy, I love your blog, and that’s that. Back to the original issue, though—–there seem to be different conventions in different states, regardless of laws. Here in Wisconsin, the law is you have to stop for pedestrians in crosswalks, but the COPS don’t even do it. My friend Al, who lived in LA once upon a time, sez that if a pedestrian puts one toe in a crosswalk in California and you don’t stop, it’s an $80 ticket. So there.

  37. Rachel M- I did it! I’m QOFECrissy. I’m following you! And Ben too!

    Megkathleen- Lynne and I determined that he must clean the video booths at the porn store for a living.

    Sassy- I used to be that way too. Keep at it and the traffic will find you.

    Jim- Well fine. I’ll come and see what your bitch ass is cooking tonight.

    Helen- Thank you Helen! The cops don’t stop here either. WTF is up with that?

  38. Okay, first off, I love your blog. LOVE IT. It’s always hilarious and entertaining. Second, I really don’t get why people write angry mean things on blogs. I mean, seriously, do you think you’re that important Mr. I must tell you the rules? No, you’re not. I thought you were allowed to write whatever you wanted in a blog, but apparently I was wrong.

    I’ve had someone write mean spirited things on one of my posts as well. I just don’t get it.

    So what i’m trying to say is…keep writing, please.

  39. squee, we are stalking buddies!

    *goes to see what you are writing on Twitter*

    Dude, you are fucked up, I don’t think we can be friends anymore….


  40. That video about your grandma’s secret recipe for that special kind of sandwich with peanut spread and crushed fruit still steams me!

    I can’t believe you would post something like that.


  41. Wait a sec. You’ve been kidding this whole time? I can’t believe what I am hearing. I’ve been rebuilding my whole belief structure around this blog and your holy words. Now I’m just not sure what to do. I mean. I was hoping that we would soon see pictures of you in one of your many cleaning costumes, a flame thrower on your back, standing in the middle of a crosswalk and lighting that asshat up.

    Damn you Queen! My only option now is to drink myself into a stupor and contemplate if I need to burn my “I Heart Milfs” T-shirt.

  42. It still never ceases to amaze me…the giant gonads people grow from behind their computers. And I wholeheartedly agree that these blogs should be boycotted so no one ever reads their patheticness again, even though it’s hard to resist stooping to their level. You know, my grampa would do things to piss himself off too! but he was 85. People if you don’t like what you are reading you can stop reading it! you have only to shut your eyes. srsly!

  43. You are SOOOOO right. i get this feeling too, that people are getting meaner and meaner. i’m actually scared… specially on the internet, no one has any sense of humor.

    i used to chat on IRC like 5 years ago, and it was great. i actually had internet friends (and real-life friends too, for the record).. good friends. but now i get in a channel and i do NOTHING and i get banned. i avoid fights as much as possible and i get banned.

    also, on youtube, there was a video about science, and environment and stuff, and two people made two consecutive comments with quotes by Geroge W. Bush, like: “I believe that men and fish can coexist peacefully” – George W. Bush. so i went, trying to be funny, and made another one: “It’s not easy being green” – Kermit The Frog. (it is a real quote, and i still think it was funny).. but i got a few thumbs down and a hate reply….

    i just don’t get it… i blame the internet… all my friends now are people i know personally, and i don’t even talk to them over the internet, ’cause it seems like a few them get that same arrogant posture when they’re online.

    anyway.. it’s good to know other people are also noticing how everyone’s going crazy, and that there’s still good people with good sense of humor in the world. …too bad it’s just one in a million.

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