Slippery Dick and Baby Beluga

As if my Fourth of July wasn’t fascinating enough for you, on Sunday we went to the Mystic Aquarium to celebrate Girlfriend’s bff Elena’s birthday. Elena is the neighbor’s adorable daughter and her third birthday is today. Happy Birthday Elena!

Girlfriend and I had a lot of fun shopping for her gifts and we wound up getting her these,

which I wish they made in mommy size because I really want them. BAD. Normally I would object to grown women wearing any sort of Disney character clothing because nothing says “I have the mentality of a preschooler” like wearing Winnie the Poo across your tits, but I can make an exception in this case.

We got her a bunch of other stuff too and I’d tell you about it, but you don’t care.

And after she opened her gifts, we went off to the aquarium to see the baby Beluga Whale and some other floaty things. Girlfriend fell head over heels in love with the turtles so I think we have to get her one. Does anyone have a turtle? Are they gross?

And we saw one of these

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which can easily become one of these

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if not paid proper attention to.

And so then I touched the neighbor’s bum while his wife held Girlfriend up to see the fishies _MG_6958a_resize.jpg

because it seemed like the neighborly thing to do and he seemed to like it and so I think we’ll be very good friends and we already smoke crack together and now there’s some bum touching and it’s all very, very nice and very, very friendly-like.

But Crissy fears it won’t last long. As soon as they realize that every undignified moment of their lives since we moved into the neighborhood has somehow involved the Crissys, they’ll move. And that will make me sad because there’s nothing better than touching the neighbor’s bum.

Oh, and crap! I almost forgot that maybe I’m going to win Surviving Myself’s story contest Next Monday and them I’m up on Back Fence PDX Next Wednesday writing about how the Catholics fucked me up, and then I’m guest blogging for the lovely Miss Nilsa toward the end of the month. I’ll remind you when the time comes so don’t worry about penciling it into your calendars and picking out the perfect outfits just yet.

So, yeah. I’m so popular I can hardly stand it.

Happy Tuesday n’ shit.

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30 comments

  1. I love that *almost* every undignified moment I have is with you…

    And turtles are gross–they stopped having them in schools due to diseases they can acquire AND my sister had one and it stank to high heaven.

    Do you REALLY need something else to clean?

  2. Hmmm…..touching the neighbor’s bum…….I’d REALLY have to give that some thought. To the left, we have Elmer—pleasant enough fellow,but he has a son older than me. Then there’s nosy Joe across the street. He’s old and crabby and REALLY gossipy—he has a son older than me too…exept said son lives at mom and dad’s (still) and he CERTAINLY isn’t gay. Nope. So touching Nosy Joe’s bum may give him something to GOSSIP about……but it would still be kind of icky. Then there’s coach, also across the street (in a different house than nosy Joe)—I went to high school with him, so he’s of an appropriate age, but he’s a snot….he doesn’t even ACKNOWLEDGE me……and my husband found his 2 yr old wandering in the yard ALONE last week…the kid ESCAPED…..so even though he could be thought of as nice looking (in a way) and he IS my age…..well, I’m not gonna touch HIS bum because I don’t LIKE to be ignored and have the common bond of high school IGNORED. The house to the right is empty. Maybe it’s haunted. I could touch a GHOST’S bum………but would that REALLY be touching it? Better yet, call Jason and Grant from TAPS and I could touch THEIR bums…….now that would be okay….something I could LIVE with…..

    Wow, touching the neighbor’s bum is EXHAUSTING, huh?

  3. I think I’m taking a cue from you. We just moved in and I wasn’t sure how to introduce ourselves to the neighbors. Maybe I’ll just go around feeling them up and pick my new BFF based on their reactions.

  4. Adults wearing clothes with any cartoon character on it scare me. Grow up, for god’s sake (and mine!). But those sandals, I could make an exception for those sandals, particularly since your feet would be smashing the pretty little faces of the Disney princesses. I’m all for it.

  5. You want to know where all the adult Disney clothing goes? Indiana, they think goes great with a perm and acid wash jeans.

    Your fish joke went over my head, then I added Bailey’s to my coffee and all was okay again in the world.

  6. That’s awesome. I think I had a pair of those awful blister inducing sandals back in the day. They were so cute and sparkily though.

    Mystic, eh? Never been there, but it sounds like a good time, especially if there is ass grabbing involved.

  7. Rachel- We’re getting the turtle but keeping it at Nana Bear’s house! YES!!!

    Shelly- I wouldn’t mind touching a little TAPS ass.

    Nilsa- I find that men are particularly appreciative if you grab their fronts.

    Neth- I’m not sure how she’d feel about that. You could try, I suppose.

    Dingo- See? They’re cute! And yeah. I wouldn’t mind walking on Tinkerbell either.

    Rachel M- It’s a penis joke. Where is the dirty part of your mind? I know you have one or you’d never read this blog.

    Denise- I’m so glad that my evil Denise is here! Nobody is going to confuse you with the good and wholesome one. Don’t worry.

    Leah- They love ass grabbing over there. I’ll go with you if you want. You know,to show you how it’s done.

    Marie- Ooooo! Red would be awesome.

    Stealthnerd- Maybe that’s because you’ve never grabbed their asses.

  8. Turtles live for 11,000 years. Really. You can look that up. I feel special that you wrote for Back Fence. And finally, I wish my neighbors were hot and grabbed my ass. They don’t.

  9. We don’t really have any fun neighbors…I don’t think. I don’t ever talk to them. I think they’re old and you know how I feel about old people – LAME!

  10. Yes to the turtle. I think you could get away with a tortoise which doesn’t need to live in water and is way easier to take care of, and to pick up and let it walk around the yard, and clean the cage, and Girlfriend would be just as happy, right? Just a box turtle or something? And yes, they do live a bazillion years, so be prepared to send Girlfriend off to college with it, or to have it long after she’s gone. Unless you can figure out a way to get one that is already a bazillion years old so it doesn’t have quite so many years to go.

  11. Those Disney chicks are totally hot, so the flip-flops are very sexy. But I have to disagree with you about Poo across your tits. Almost anything on tits does not detract from tits. Tits are pretty much unstoppable in their awesomeness. But you can go too far. Like shorts that just say Poo across your ass. No, Poo on your ass is not sexy.

    You live in the greatest neighborhood ever! If I could do a few ass-grabs while my neighbors are focused on slippery dick, my life would be damn near perfect! My neighbors pretty much suck. I live near an all-girls Catholic High School, so a lot of my neighbors are nuns and Catholic schoolgirls. Sure, I grab plenty of ass to be neighborly, but it’s all I can do to keep my name off the registry anyway.

    Turtles make excellent pets. I had one for like forever when I was a kid. It was one of those mid-sized land turtles, though. It walked around the house. Really. No tank or cage or anything. Of course, this was in NYC where having pigs and turtles and such critters walk around your house is okay. Is it obvious yet that I raised myself?

  12. I’m going to touch my neighbor’s bum when I get home. Or maybe the local crackhead’s bum – that would be more exciting I think.

  13. I had a turtle! I had three, actually, three red eared sliders. They’re pretty easy to take care of–put them in a tank full of water, feed them once a day, make sure a light is on them, that’s about it. The downside is changing the water, though. The water starts to smell so you have to change it out regularly.

    Also, against common belief, turtles are fast. Mine ran under my bed quite a few times. They are nice, though, and have never hurt me.

  14. Melissa- Oh yeah. I forgot about the living forever part. Shit.

    Megkathleen- Old people are cool. Just give them a chance.

    Megan- Okay so I only have to take care of it for another 15 years until she gets to college? Sweet. I’m all in.

    stoogepie- I’ve suspected that you raised yourself for quite some time.

    Rachel M.- Aaaand there it is.

    Chris- Report back as soon as you get home from the hospital.

    Lauren- Red eared sliders. Keep an eye on them. Got it!

    rs27- Ferrets smell, but you’re right. There’s blog fodder a plenty.

    Leah- Yes! We’ll all go. It’ll be fun.

  15. All my new neighbors are gay. So I guess, um, wait they’ll love it!

    We’ll laaauuugh and then we’ll go shopping for pillows at West Elm.

  16. To the Crissys,

    Have you forgotten the golden rule you both learned at your mamas’ knee?

    HANDS TO YOURSELF, please.

    Oh my God! Whatever possessed you? What on earth would you ever do if your pimp did the same favor to neighbor’s wife? You’d have a stroke.

  17. We used to have a turtle. If you enjoy the smell of the bathroom after your husband sits in it after a 30 minute poo session, then you will enjoy the smell of your turtle’s tank if you don’t plan to clean it about every four hours or so.

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