On Friday Girlfriend and I found ourselves on a parade float.
It wasn’t a Queen of Fucking Everything celebration and worship parade, per se, but it was close and I had hoped to have a video for you but Mister is a retarded ass monkey forgetful husband and left the video recording camera at home. I’m saddened by this because in still pictures you cannot hear the crowd cheering for me and shouting things like “God save the Queen!” and “Nice ass!” and also “throw candy over here!” which is one I’ve never heard before, but I’m sure it meant something nice and worshipful.
You’ll use your imagination though won’t you Internet, and imagine the cheering crowds?
Hear them?
Catch the Reading Bug at the Queen of Fucking Everything’s Library was the theme for the float and Girlfriend and her friends Ryland and Nathaniel were dressed as adorable little bumble bees.
That’s the lady I call my “boss” riding in front of me and the library “director” in the back. I find it makes people feel good when I call them things like boss and director, and officer.
Girlfriend and I thoroughly enjoyed seeing all the people who came out to worship us celebrate Independence Day.
And the paparazzi chased us down again and tried to interview us, but Girlfriend was unwilling to speak to them and shouted “NO!” at the man with the microphone and then she threw candy in his face.
That’s right, Girlfriend.
We don’t grant interviews to paparazzi scum.
And then after that we went to a party and had a lovely time drinking jello shots and eating cookies at my friend Stacy’s house and Girlfriend got bombalooed on Capri Suns and had to be carried home.
What did you do this weekend?
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The float looked cute; I especially like the giant colorful flowers – I wonder who made those???? Did we win any prizes? Let’s see…what did I do this weekend? I’ll have to tell you in person, suffice it to say it involves the police. I’ll leave you in suspense until I see you.
You were, I mean ARE, adorable. Your town really puts out a lot into their floats–was that a huge sock puppet worm in the first pic?
Epically boring 4th here…
Was that an ant on what should’ve been your throne? You got upstaged by an ant? I suppose you reigned it in because Girlfriend was around but I so would’ve bitchslapped that foam ant off the float and taken its seat.
I’m super jealous that you were in an awesome parade and able to address your adoring fans.
Cereally, way to be the hottest librarian there. I bet your library will be PACKED from now on.
I guess you didn’t see my float behind you, the one that was called “Virgin Sacrifices for Crissy”. I didn’t get a good reception….I think it was because I kept yelling to the crowd “You sir! Are you a virgin? You are? Could you…um…come up here and sit on this marble slab?”
Lynne- Oh Jesus. You didn’t pee on the neighbor’s lawn again did you?
Rach- That, fyi, is Beverly Bookworm, the children’s room mascot. I won’t tell her you mistook her for a sock puppet.
Dingo-You are absolutely right. I had all I could do not to open a can of Raid on that stupid fucking ant.
Leah-I’m in the library right now and let me tell you, they’re breaking down the door. They had to call in extra staff!
Rachel M.- Bwahahahahahaha!!!
Girlfriend is just adorable! Now they just need to do a float solely for you, otherwise known as the Queen of Fucking Everything.
Why can’t people call me things like “boss” or “director” or “ms. fantabulous”?
We moved this weekend and I already unpacked the kitchen.
Where’s MY fucking parade?
You look awesome on a float.
You’re welcome. And I’m totally a spaz.
I remember Capri Suns…they are delicious…
except it is so hard to get the straw to pierce the bag…
I dont know how people ever master that skill.
Wow. I had THE SAME EXACT 4TH! Except for the parade, paparazzi and party. But I did have the cookies and jello shots.
I need a parade. Maybe for the “park” since you already have the “library”. I need some people to worship the ground I walk on, er, float on.
Very cute float, you needed a few people wearing the I Heart MILFS t-shirts though.
I can’t remember the last time I went to a 4th of July parade. We had a quiet weekend. The wife ripped open her foot on a nail and couldn’t walk very well as a result.
… and then your stupid blog erased my really excellent comment … and I said, Suck It.
Because my comment was something along the lines of … when we heard firecrackers in the alley behind our new condo, Sweets turned to me and asked, “Friendly neighborhood gunfire?!” Awwww yeah, you’ve got a hoodlum reading your blog!
C’mon. You just call Ken officer. When he’s wearing the ass-less chaps. It’s a whole role playing thing and, you my sweet, have been very, very naughty.
Okay, I’m stressing about the porn reading I need to do on Sunday. I’m trying things out in the comments section of blogs.
I was in a parade too this weekend. Except unfortunately no one yelled anything good at me.
And we can still be friends even though you don’t fit my “criteria.” I will make an exception. LOL
I want one of those t-shirts you’re wearing. It’s so clever!
You know, the whole Catch the Reading Bug thing would be a whole lot more effective if the dudes who made the float hadn’t smeared up the name of your libary. It’s so hard to get quality float-painters today. Still, I like the way the Catch the Reading Bug slogan makes getting literate seem like getting an STD.
Where are the pictures of people throwing you beads for showing off the twins?
OK, I can yell too.
NICE LEGS! (can’t see your ass, please turn around)
THROW CANDY OVER HERE! (chocolate please)
CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!!!!
I hope there wasn’t booze in the red, plastic cup the ant is holding. I mean, I’ve never seen those cups WITHOUT booze in them, but it just seems like such a waste to feed it to the ant. Plus, who wants a wasted insect?
I didn’t get ANY alcohol on the 4th due to a family member with a teensy “PROBLEM” in that area……except on the 5th, I ordered a margarita at the mexican restaurant (after said person ordered club soda—I THOUGHT I was safe), then My hubby ordered a beer, than another person ordered a beer then the PROBLEM ordered a beer AFTER the club soda had come…….oooppppsss. I kinda feel responsible for that …….oh well, after the 2nd margarita, the guilt subsided. But it came back after the buzz left.
No floats for me….just an obscene amount of fireworks exploded just for ME…(hahaha)…by various family members.
I’m jealous of the float, except I don’t like to be on display and I don’t like to be hot, and usually on the 4th it’s really hot and parades are really busy, so It’s best that I don’t do that sort of thing……..
Nice ass… throw some of that sugar over here… LOL!
just bob
No, no peeing. It’s much worse. Much.
Marie- I’ll call you Ms. Fantabulous.
Kiala- YAY! And then the high school band played Blister in the Sun. That was your parade. Did you enjoy it?
Leah- Thank you!
Matt- They improved the packaging and now you can actually get in without too much of a problem.
Megan- Cookies and Jello shots rule!
Jamie- You already have people like that. They read your blog.
Jason- That doesn’t sound very quiet to me.
Nilsa- My blog doesn’t want you being funnier or more fabulouser than me. Sorry.
Melissa- don’t come around here with your filth and your smut! You make me sick! (don’t stop!)
Maxie- Yay! Friends!
Chris- It’s in the mail.
stoogepie- I laughed when I got the tee shirt because I immediately thought of getting the crabs from reading porn stories. It’s like we have the same brain.
JoeInVegas-It was tootsie rolls. So, yeah. Chocolate!
Stealthnerd- I’ve never seen them used for any other purpose either. Is that odd?
Shelly- You can’t feel responsible for other people’s “problems.” And I see your funny is back. Good For You!
just bob- Thank you.
Lynne- Well why in the fuck did you not come to work today just to tell the story then? Seriously. I’m dying over here.
I can just see girlfriend with the big “NO!”
That had to be incredibly funny. I get those kinds of moments with The Dude all the time. They just so damn cute.
Not so sure the funny is back, but I am definately feeling a tad more feisty this week…….Damn Geek Squad….got my panties all in a knot with them……….so I’ll cuss the Geek Squad, but credit them with getting my feisty funny back.
Capri sun will mess you up. That stupid little straw enhances the sugar.
You looked very cute on the float (cute belt). I didn’t do anything on the fourth. I live quite the exciting life.