And Now I Shall Save Jesus

A friend said to me recently that she was going to have to miss church this coming Sunday and that made her feel happy which made her feel sad and guilty because a good Christian shouldn’t be happy about missing church.

And I told her that it would probably be ok and that I didn’t think Jesus would care if she missed just one Sunday.

Everyone knows I’m a godless whore who doesn’t know crap about this Jesus stuff, but if I were Jesus I think I’d be annoyed having everyone coming over to the house every damn Sunday all. day. long.

When does Jesus do his laundry?

When does he have time to kick back with a brewski and bag of Doritos and watch some great new porn?

Never.

And he must be all “go home people! Quit coming here! I have no time to myself and I have like a ton of shit to do!”

And the Jesus peoples are all “Jesus we love you! We want to come over and eat your stale bread and drink your inferior quality wine!”

Seriously. They serve the worst food at church.

Cooking is not a talent of Jesus’s.

It must be really frustrating because in addition to what must be a rather difficult work week, he still has to deal with all his own stuff like pooper scooping the lawn, because I assume Jesus has a dog, and washing dishes. And then on Monday he’s still got to deal with some wars here and there and some cleansing of ethnic peoples over there and then there’s the guy who thinks it’s cool to drive up and down Crissy’s street on a dirt bike at 1am to smote.

Or is it smite?

And thusly the lord smited him?

And the lord smoted him?

I don’t know. They both sound weird.

Anyway. You get my point, right?

I mean really.

Poor Jesus.

It sucks to be him.

So I’m doing Jesus a favor today, even though he didn’t ask because I’m magnanimous like that, and I’m asking all of his flock of peoples to stay home this Sunday.

Do it so Jesus can finally wash the blood stains out of his loin cloth and maybe go shopping for a new thorny crown and a pair of sweet leather flip flops.

Who’s with me?

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35 comments

  1. FIRST!

    question of the day for me:

    what kind of pr0n does jeezus like best?

    my first instinct was missionary, but then i wondered if he’s into something more hardcore. i mean, the guy is pretty old, so he must be jaded and desensitized by now.

  2. Neth- I think Jesus likes a little S&M kind of porn.

    Rachel- SEE?

    Rachel M.- You’re too funny.

    Dingo- That is EXACTLY what I think Jesus would smell like.

  3. I always pictured Jesus liking asian porn…

    Thats why there’s so many people in China.

    and he had to be a HUGE fan of Kama Sutra…

    because look at all the people in India.

  4. He must have really been annoyed when people started going to church on Wednesday nights too. Don’t some people do that? I think they do. You know, the really crazy ones. They just can’t wait for Sunday to come back around.

  5. Ethnic cleansing is Jesus’ favorite thing to do – wiping out a bunch of brown people to him is like going to an amusement park to us.

    Non-stop fun!

  6. I’m so afraid to click…what does NFSW mean?

    Not For Sweaty Wives?
    Nearly Full of Sinful Women?
    Naked Feet Swinging Wildly?

  7. I was just thinking about those people with bumpers stickers on their trucks that say “Jesus is my homeboy” and then that got me to thinking about people who say “homeslice” instead of “homeboy” and THAT got me to thinking that Jesus may be on to something with the ethnic cleansing.

  8. I haven’t been to church in years, but knowing that Crissy is approving of it and that Jesus actually wants me to stay home is going to make my Sunday morning that much more enjoyable.

  9. Jesus has seen it all and done it all. I mean, his dad is god, right? And we know that god fucks virgins whenever he gets a god-on. He just doesn’t get them pregnant all the time like he did with Jesus’s mom. So, you figure, Jesus gets all the ass he wants and then some, and he can have all the dirtiest sex in the world. Like, Jesus can have that sex we all want to have that is so fucking intense that it kills you, but he is good as new three days later and has a fresh boner. What I’m getting at is that Jesus is probably into the really hardcore nasty porn, like shit-eating obese amputees grannies or something even worse, the shit I can’t even buy but that would make me puke if I did buy it.

    And, damn, you are right. Church food sucks ass. The most desperate wino on the planet would rather drink bug spray than go to church on Sunday to sip I-ate-some-grapes-and-this-came-out-of-my-ass church wine. And Jesus never eats doritos or he would not put up with those smegma-wafers they serve at church that make rice cakes seem actually tasty.

    Anyways, what I’m saying is that I may take this Sunday off from church so that the big J can do his laundry. But I will have to talk it over with my immortal soul first.

  10. I used to be the church lady. Yessirree! Me! Worked 60 hours a week for Jesus, corrupting little children’s minds for the sake of God. Then I became an alcoholic, got fired, finally got sober and have not set foot in a church since then. (Except for AA meetings you know, cause they’re always at churches.) I wonder what I could have accomplished in life had I not wasted every Sunday of my adult existence for 10 years. Stay home people! God’s not in the building. He’s taking a nap!

  11. Wow. I thought I’d see what one of the “hottest mommy bloggers” was writing about. I guess I am officially shocked at the extreme irreverence. I’m not bible-thumping or anything – but I don’t get it. This is funny? This is intelligent? This is just plain sad.

  12. Matt- That is exactly what I had written and then I changed it! I’m totally thinking Asian porn too.

    Nilsa- My people don’t pray to Jesus either.

    Arielle- I never understood those people.

    Chris- It’s a fucking party!

    Neth- I’m scared to click on your links.

    Rachel- Me too.

    Kiala- I know, right?

    rs27- So, you’re saying he’s of a Sun Chip person?

    Melissa- I’m sure the links will be more fun than church.

    stoogepie- But I’m still gonna help him assemble the army of tamponimals to help rescue Debbie and the twins.

    Erica- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

    k8- Good for you! I hear they serve great donuts at those meetings? Any truth to that?

    denise- I love you!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING!!!! Without people like you, being irreverent just wouldn’t be nearly so much fun. Come back again and bring your friends!

    Kiala- I don’t get her either.

  13. Hooray Denise! FYI, we have a whole group of bloggers around here who have no regard for morality or ethics or lines of any kind. You’re welcome to check out all of our blogs!

  14. I wrote a nice quip back to Denise–she’s possibly as interesting as a box of rocks–and you should check it out because stoogepie spanked her…HARD.

  15. Someone must’ve peed in Denise’s butter churn. I hope you don’t mind, Crissy, but Denise needs to get out and have some fun. I invited her to our girls’ night out in Hell.

  16. I am sorry. I had no business saying something and interfering with your good time. I apologize, and realize I started this when I shouldn’t have. This post got under my skin. I deserve your comments.

  17. Several things to say, as I haven’t been keeping up with your blog (sorry!). Happy late late birthday and as it’s My Birthday on the 4th (yesterday) you should come give me Happy Wishes and Nude Birthday Pics to show how much you appreciate me. Also, I’m of the old school, so I suggest you shoot the damn chipmunk. Woodchuck. Beaver. Whatever. And I never go to church anyway so I always give Jesus a day off. I’m pretty much relying on that to get my ass into heaven.

  18. I was gonna say something really mean to Denise but I got here too late so she already apologized but I left something mean anyway. Oh well.

  19. PS: If you do shoot the Chipmunk, make sure it is in season and you have a hunting license, and check your city’s ordinance on discharging a firearms in city limits.

    Or … just don’t get caught.

  20. Holy Crap, this is a really funny post. It made my Geek Squad nightmare day sort of fun!

    I’m irrevrent (in my brain…to do so out loud in Mid Missouri may result in my death), and give Jesus a day off EVERY day……..

    I can’t wait to go to Denise’s blog and read Stoogie’s spanking and everyone elses comments. What a way to end a sucky MondaY!!!

  21. I guess she didn’t realize you already had a Denise, a wonderful, lovely, Evil! Crissy loving Denise, she should be careful I don’t like it when people use my Evil name to slander. The nerve.

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