A friend said to me recently that she was going to have to miss church this coming Sunday and that made her feel happy which made her feel sad and guilty because a good Christian shouldn’t be happy about missing church.
And I told her that it would probably be ok and that I didn’t think Jesus would care if she missed just one Sunday.
Everyone knows I’m a godless whore who doesn’t know crap about this Jesus stuff, but if I were Jesus I think I’d be annoyed having everyone coming over to the house every damn Sunday all. day. long.
When does Jesus do his laundry?
When does he have time to kick back with a brewski and bag of Doritos and watch some great new porn?
And he must be all “go home people! Quit coming here! I have no time to myself and I have like a ton of shit to do!”
And the Jesus peoples are all “Jesus we love you! We want to come over and eat your stale bread and drink your inferior quality wine!”
Seriously. They serve the worst food at church.
Cooking is not a talent of Jesus’s.
It must be really frustrating because in addition to what must be a rather difficult work week, he still has to deal with all his own stuff like pooper scooping the lawn, because I assume Jesus has a dog, and washing dishes. And then on Monday he’s still got to deal with some wars here and there and some cleansing of ethnic peoples over there and then there’s the guy who thinks it’s cool to drive up and down Crissy’s street on a dirt bike at 1am to smote.
Or is it smite?
And thusly the lord smited him?
And the lord smoted him?
I don’t know. They both sound weird.
Anyway. You get my point, right?
I mean really.
It sucks to be him.
So I’m doing Jesus a favor today, even though he didn’t ask because I’m magnanimous like that, and I’m asking all of his flock of peoples to stay home this Sunday.
Do it so Jesus can finally wash the blood stains out of his loin cloth and maybe go shopping for a new thorny crown and a pair of sweet leather flip flops.
Who’s with me?