Crissyshack

Crissy: 0
Woodland Creature:10

Remember when I dug my flower beds and I was all excited about it and I couldn’t wait for my sunflowers and my sweet peas to come up all sunshiny and wholesome and stuff?

Yes?

Well some little furry woodland buttmunch has destroyed all my sunshine and my wholesome.

Meet Frank.

This isn’t really him. It’s his cousin Albert. I couldn’t get a picture of Frank because he says he looks fat in pictures.

Whatev.

Everybody looks fat in pictures. That’s why God made airbrushes and anorexia.

When I first saw Frank I thought “awwwww…he’s so cute!” And I talked baby talk at him and then I gave him his name.

But this weekend when I went out to my garden that I lovingly water every day, I found that Frank the Garden Gansta, otherwise known as Woodchuckus Douchebagus from the Latin meaning motherfucker who’s goin’ down, had stripped the leaves off my sunflowers and mangled my sweet peas.

Do you know how much Girlfriend and I love to walk right out into the garden and enjoy a nutritious a sweet pea?

We like it a lot and a lot.

That’s why I’m not gonna lie to you Internet. I cried a little bit when I had to pull out all the stuff he killed .

I transplanted some cosmos to the bare spot seeing as he left that alone in another section of the garden, but by the end of the day he had eaten that too.

So now your Crissy is feeling angry and resentful and a little bit like Frank’s bitch.

In fact, while I was pulling the Cosmos stems out of the ground I think I heard him on the other side of the fence giggling in his little Woodchuck voice, saying “who’s your daddy now garden lady? Say my name! Say It!”

I out and out refuse to be a Woodchuck’s bitch Internet.

My grandfather, who is my garden guru,

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wants me kick it old school and just put a cap in his ass, but I’m not old school. I’m sort of like middle school and so I cannot shoot Frank.

Also my shotgun was siezed by the po-po is in the shop.

So help me Internet.

Does anyone speak Woodland Creature language?

How do you tell a Woodchuck to fuck off?

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38 comments

  1. Havahart Live Animal Traps. Unfortunately when you trap him, you have to either: let him move in with you and buy him anything he wants so he’ll leave your plants alone (including but not limited to cigars, brandy and woodchuckwhores) or you have to drive to a remote field in Vermont and let him go. Or blow his brains out. Either way.

  2. Hi, love your blog. You one funny lady.
    I stole this off the internet, I hope it helps.

    Epsom salts can be sprinkled on the vegetation and fruits of your garden plants to render them foul-tasting to groundhogs. The good news about this strategy is that Epsom salts will also help some of your garden plants to grow better. But the bad news is that rain will wash off the Epsom salts, meaning that you will need to make repeated applications. Another strategy that suffers from the same drawback is discouraging groundhogs with foul-smelling agents such as ammonia. Ammonia-soaked rags can be strewn along the perimeter of your garden, forming a stinky barrier to repel groundhogs. But even ammonia’s smell fades eventually and a re-application will be necessary.

  3. Just so you know you’re not alone in your frustration: Once when my Dad was drunk he excitedly told the story about how he bludgeoned a woodchuck to death once for getting in his garden. I never heard of a man so pissed off at a woodland creature before. I think he might have put of a fence, but I’m not sure.

  4. If not a shotgun, what about a BB gun? Or even better yet, a super soaker. We had this problem with squirrels once and definitely had some fun shooing them away.

    Of course, this doesn’t work if you’re away from the house/asleep, but it’s quite therapeutic nonetheless.

  5. Lynne- I thought of trapping and re-locating Frank, but what if he’s a babydaddy and his babies die because he’s not bringing them food?

    Dorion-Thank you! For everything. Epsom salt. Who knew?

    Neth- No.

    Rach- Ha!

    Sara- Oh that poor little creature. My dad and my grandfather shoot them. I think it’s horrible.

    Leah- I LOVE the supersoaker idea!!!! Maybe one of those motion detecting sprinklers?

  6. Marie- I thought of that but I don’t really know if Frank is a Franklin or a Francine so I don’t want to take a mother away from her babies. We mothers have to stick together, even if one of us is an ureasonable asshole.

    Rachel M- Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!

  7. Oh man, i wouldn’t be able to kill him either. He is cute, in that jerk who kills flowers sort of way. Maybe set a trap so once he’s caught you can dispose of him in a neighbors yard?! SO he’s alive and destroying their flowers, not yours.

  8. I’m sure your pimp could rig something up to spray him.

    Just think of how much shit he’s leaving on your lawn…. I definitely second the idea of leaving the body in your neighbor’s yard.

  9. ugh. my mom has one living under her deck currently. its weird cause she isn’t trying to get rid of it.

    i’m not sure she knows what to do..

  10. I thought you were supposed to put a hose in one of the holes and flood their lair, thus drowning them. Sounds pretty good to me. I’m more of a Virgina Woolf type than a Hemingway.

    But, I think the consensus is follow your grandpa’s lead and kill the stupid thing.

    Someone in the Lion household lobbed off the top of one of my tomato plants with the weed whacker. I sort of felt like trying the hose trick on this person when he told me, but that feeling has passed. Mostly.

  11. “Ammonia-soaked rags can be strewn along the perimeter of your garden, forming a stinky barrier to repel groundhogs. But even ammonia’s smell fades eventually and a re-application will be necessary.”

    sounds like i just got a free ticket to piss all over the yard.

    YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! *fist pump*

  12. Not to diminish your gardening trauma by not really commenting on it, but that was best use of the word “buttmunch” that I’ve heard in awhile. So you’ve gotta at least be feeling pretty good about that.

  13. I do not have any experience with woodchucks, though they do look awfully cute. Because Frank is cute as opposed to, say, a rat or Dick Cheney, you should try something less drastic than murder at first.

    First, have you checked to see whether there is a wordpress plugin to keep woodchucks from eating your garden? Ken may be able to help here.

    If there is no plugin, write Frank a letter asking him to leave the garden alone. Leave the letter by the plants, maybe with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a couple of cookies.

    If that still doesn’t work, put a sign up around your garden that says, “Do not eat the plants, Frank.”

    If even that fails to work, you may have to seek a restraining order. That’s what I had to do with the pigeons on my terrace.

  14. You have been so funny an cute with your posts lately, and my brain must be on the rag, because I’m not feeling very cute and funny in my responses.

    I don’t have any groundhog solutions, but suffice it to say, that I have groundhog friends, too. They live all over my town, and I see them EVERYWHERE, and they ARE cute……but I don’t think I’d like to snuggle up to one. Or have it eat my potential dinner…….

    Maybe get fake snakes or something…..my dad plays the radio 24/7 at the farm to try to keep the racoons out of the barn, which is where the cats live. Maybe it’s time for a transistor???

    Yours,

    The not so funny one anymore. I’ve lost my mo-jo.

  15. p.s. I tried to come up with a woodchuck fuck rhyme too, but I see I was beaten to the punch.
    which is fine, because I hadn’t come up with one yet. If I do, I’m still gonna post it….because maybe THAT will be funny

  16. Lauren- Yes. The neighbors yard is a great idea.

    Leah- He’s like Indiana Jones. I’m sure he can rig something.

    Kiala- No they do not.

    Alexa- I wouldn’t have a problem with him hanging out if he’d just stop eating my stuff. Maybe your mom doesn’t care.

    Melissa- I’d kill the bastard who was dumb enough to chop my tomato plants with a weed whacker. And I wouldn’t care how cute he was.

    Neth- don’t get too excited.

    Stealthnerd- Thanks. I’ve been dying to use buttmunch. DYING.

    stoogepie- That was seriously funny.

    Shelly- You don’t have to be funny every time.

    Rachael- I think we might have a mole issue too. I’ll know where to come for help and support.

  17. Buy him a female wood chuck…put her in clear platic box with the lid help open with a stick. When he starts getting down the lid will close and trap them forever.

    Or the poison was a good idea.

  18. Oh, I am very bad at driving the animals away. How’s this for wimpy? Put out some delicious woodchuck food for him eat, so he doesn’t have to eat the growing stuff? You know how if you feed bears candy, they won’t forage for berries anymore. Hypothetically. I haven’t tried to lure a bear into my car with a picnic basket or anything.

  19. I don’t really know because I’m not really the gardening sort. But I do know how my grandpa got rid of the raccoons in his garden. He set traps and filled them with peanut butter marshmallows (apparently raccoons really like that) and then when he caught them I believe he then drowned them…or shot them. He never really went into the killing part when telling me (thank God), but they were definitely killed at some point.

  20. Despite all of the promises, there is nothing that will keep his sweet ass out of your garden if he wants to come by for lunch. The only way to get rid of him is, yes, to get rid of him. The live trap is the best way, so that you don’t end up killing your neighbor’s cats by mistake. If they get stuck in the live trap you can just let them go and nobody will know (they are usually too embarrassed to talk about it back at home). Once you get Frank you either 1) drown his butt or 2) drive him miles and miles away and let him eat somebody else’s garden (option 2 is illegal in most places as the new neighbors do not like it at all). If he has a family at home then you will never know, otherwise you will end up with a dozen of those guys coming by for dinner.
    So, either resign yourself to letting it become Frank’s garden or get rid of the pest. I would vote for getting rid of him.

  21. At first I thought the picture was a beaver and you were writing some post about your vajayjay. But now that I know you are writing about a woodchuck, well, I just don’t have anything to say about that.

  22. Sweets’ dad had a similar problem with chipmunks – cousins to Alvin & the gang. And though their garden isn’t as lovely as yours, he was still pissed to find holes all over his yard.

    So, he set up traps. Humane traps, as Sweets’ mom wouldn’t allow for anything other than that. And he waited.

    Until the traps filled with the live critters. And before he drove them a few miles away to the nearest forest preserve (totally illegal to drop off animals there, mind you), he’s pepper-spray their bums with spray paint. You know, to mark them. In case they ever found their way back to his yard.

    If you can’t kill ’em, you might as well have a little fun with ’em, eh?! Why not lace your sunflowers with hot sauce? See how the douchebags like them then!!!

  23. Kill the damn thing! And please tape it and post the video on here. You can title the post “Frank Fucking Dies.”

    I smell Pulitzer!

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