5:45 am: Wake up. Go downstairs to make coffee.
6:20 am: Write hilarious blog post.
6:40 am: Begin 1 hour power yoga with Bryan Kest and his well endowed lemmings
7:00 am: Get ass kicked by Bryan Kest and his well endowed lemmings.
7:40 am: End 1 hour power yoga with Bryan Kest and his well endowed lemmings.
8:00 am: Run out of body wash. Hop out of shower to get more from closet. Nearly die in slipping accident due to puddling on tile floor.
8:20 am: Apply lip gloss. Look in mirror. Not lipgloss. Mascara.
8:25.5 am: Makeup application and hairstyle complete. Remarkably and frighteningly similar to this look which is all the rage this summer:
At least I got something right.
8:35am: Baby falls off chair while eating breakfast. Chair lands on her pinkie toe.
8:40 am: Pack lunches with 29 lbs of screaming hot mess on hip.
9:10 am: Arrive at work. Nothing happens.
9:40 am: Go to Ladies room and realize my underneaths are visible through my skirt. Very. Note to self: Purple underneaths are not acceptable when wearing white cotton skirt. Even when skirt has purple polka dots on it. Polka dots are not camouflage for poor undergarment decisions.
10:00 am: Attempt to put money scraped from bottom of fucking huge new purse in “coffee club” tin. Put it in “Munch Box” instead.
Forced to purchase Smart Food and Life Savers.
10:05 am: Smart Food does not make you smart. It is also a poor substitute for coffee. Ditto for the Life Savers, which I had high hopes for.
10:20 am: Need. Fucking. Coffee.
10:30 am: Chug co-worker’s Diet Coke while she’s in the john.
10:30.5 am: No I didn’t.
11:00 am:Finish online grocery order complete with coupons and sale items only to get to the end and click on exit instead of save and checkout. I never waste library time doing personal business.
11:00.5 am: Say “FUCK!” audibly just as Library director walks by. Director looks at me and keeps on trucking. She doesn’t bother to ask anymore.
11:30 am: Begin online search for a flask to put Scotch in. It’s more chic than a Nalgene bottle.
11:40 am: Crawl under my desk with jar of chocolates and stay there, like Gollem with his precious.
The resemblance is remarkable.
It’s safe under there Internet.
If you try to get me out I’ll bite your leg.