I’m hurt Internet.

If you were me, would this go up your ass sideways and then backwards and then do a twist and swirly and a few karate kicks?

I’m a Saylesville woman. Not a hero. Not a even a god damned Good Samaritan.

When I picture a Saylesville woman I picture this:

Not this:

Sorry. Wrong picture.

Wait a second.

Okay, not…

this:

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And it turns out that Officer Dreamy McHot isn’t his real name after all.

I could have sworn that’s what it said on his badge.

Huh.

It was also on the channel 12 news and that story is even more infuriating than the stupid newspaper article because it made

NO MENTION WHATSOEVER OF THE QUEEN OF FUCKING EVERYTHING.

None.

All they said was that there was a commendation ceremony (!) held on Saturday for the fireman who “spotted a boy struggling in the water and bravely swam out to save him.”

He-ll-ooooo!

Is the fireman psychic?

Did a little birdie tell him there was a problem in the pond?

WAS LASSIE THERE TO TELL HIM TIMMY WAS IN TROUBLE AGAIN????

Fuck. no.

IT WAS ME!!!!

We tried to get the news story on video but of course at the crucial moment the fucking shit fuck camera asshole would not work.

Needless to say, I’m outraged Internet.

I wish it was on the channel 10 news instead of the stupid crappy channel 12 news because channel 10’s Frank Coletta woulnd’t do me like that and put the story on without interviewing the Saylesville woman who made the call in the first place.

See?

He’s nice.

And btw, he’d never call me a Saylesville woman.

He’d call me by my proper name.

The Queen of Fucking Everything.

And he’d include the Fucking part too.

Because he’s cool like that.

And accurate.

And you know what else really puts a fly in my ointment? Everyone is calling the fireman a “hero” and giving him medals and plaques and shit and he was just doing his job. It’s his fucking job to fucking save people. Is this what happens to you guys when you do your job because if it is, I need to speak to my boss. She never gives me stuff when I catalog a book correctly without being asked (even though it’s a rare event).

I just don’t think we should go tossing the word hero about so carelessly like we do.

I’ll shut up about all this now, but just so you know, next time I hear someone drowning in the pond?

Fuck ’em.

I’m going to let the psychic fire department handle it from now on.

I don’t even know why they have a phone.

Well, it’s been over a week since I became the greatest thing since sliced bread and saved a boy from drowning and still there’s nothing.

No parade,

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No flowers,

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No news story,

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Not even a mention in the weekly Police Blotter. Whatever that is.

No Queen of Fucking Everything,

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No paparazzi chasing me and asking me personal questions about myself,

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so I must say I’m disappointed in this town.

Apparently Schmuckytown USA is really Town Who Doesn’t Give a Rat’s Ass When People Almost Die in a Pond and Hot Mommy Bloggers Rescue Them Town.

But that’s okay.

Don’t cry for me Internet.

Well, okay. If you insist but it’s not necessary. Much.

(Yes it is.

CRY BITCHES.

DO IT!!!)

I’m not hurt because I know what a good thing I did and that’s what really matters. Anything else is just gravy. I just wish I had known that they weren’t planning anything because I’ve been sitting in my window waiting for them for over a week now and my butt is stuck to the window sill just like that lady on the news who was stuck to her toilet for two years and I’m going to have to get it removed and I wonder if my call to 911 for that will get me a date with Officer Dreamy McHot the attention I so richly deserve.

So yeah.

Acts of extreme heroism and bravery?

Not so much around here.

Wankers.

So there’s this blogger, right?

And I really liked his blog.

I thought it was pretty funny and so I blogrolled him and he blogrolled me and I started reading and commenting and it was all kissy-kissy, nicey-nicey until I commented on a post he wrote about his birthday.

In it he wrote stuff about running around naked in his back yard and shooting porn films in his basement and some other stuff I can’t remember because it was a couple of months ago but anycrap ( I totally swiped that from Kiala. Thanks Kiala!), people wrote comments about crotchless panties and nakedness and whatnot so I wished him a happy birthday and said that since pubes turn gray when you get old I’m going to shave from now on so I never have to have that horrifying moment of finding my first gray pube.

That’s all I said, and then he emails me with this to say about my comment:

“It was the catalyst for me to make a few changes in the blog, my own habits, etc. I’m going to leave this comment out, just so I don’t rekindle the whole deal. It’ll save me some other headaches.”

That’s a direct quote from the email. I kept it because when the world starts making sense to me I read it and then the world stops making sense and everything is all screwed up again.

And then he put all comments into moderation, took down his blogroll, and put his blog on hiatus.

I’m not even kidding you.

I was all hurt and embarrassed and felt like a big loser but then I realized Hey! I’m not the asshole. He’s the asshole!

I mean he was all polite and stuff in the email, but puh. leeze. In light of what other people were saying my comment was not inappropriate and he didn’t delete anyone else’s. Just. mine. So the only way I can make sense of this is that the “whole deal” and the “headaches” he’s talking about are not all about him because he’s a guy and he’s down with pussy jokes and bad language. They all are.

I think it’s his wife.

The dude is

Pussy. Whipped.

And I think that’s gotta be the problem here because on other people’s blogs he makes comments about masturbation and he uses naughty words and he frequents blogs that are like mine. You know, vulgar and inappropriate. So my theory is that the Mrs. caught him spanking it to some porn

and decided to put the clamp down on all his Internet activities.

It’s probably that and he’s just a total asshole and a hypocrite.

I considered blogging about this when it happened but I decided to take the high road and just email gossip about it to all my blog friends because “be classy, not sassy” is my motto and also because it wasn’t worth starting a blog war even though I’d totally win because my blog is bigger than his.

But I’m blogging it today because I got an email from another blogger who is just the sweetest person in the world mostly because she called me her blog hero and she was a little hurt and embarrassed because he did it to her too. Make me feel weird, that’s fine, but he messed with one of my peeps and now I’m pissed. He said he deleted her comment due to “inappropriateness” because she made mention of her down belows.

What does this dude have against the girl parts?

And shouldn’t he warn people that he’s totally fucking lame? (actually, his blog title does sort of come right out and say that…)

I mean seriously. If you don’t want people to be inappropriate on your blog you shouldn’t write stuff that is going to inspire inappropriate comments.

Just sayin.

It makes me want to tell you all to go to his blog and holler PUSSYCUNTCOOTERTITS at him.

But I’m not going to tell you who it is but if you email me I totally will because I have class coming out of my ass.

I need help from the Internet.

I have a problem and it’s been bothering me for a long time now and I thought I could handle it on my own but it turns out I can’t.

I think the name Crissy’s Page is really, really, fucking stupid.

I’ve always thought so but I didn’t care too much because I never thought anyone would read the blog anyway so whatever. I put zero thought into the name so when I started this thing where it said blog name or whatever I just typed Crissy’s Page in just as you would type the word “test” or “suck my ass” to make sure something works.

But now that a lot more people besides Rachel and Lynne and my mom are reading I feel rather embarrassed about it.

I mean seriously.

Crissy’s Page?

Crissy’s?

Page?

Comethefuckonnow!

Makes me look like a jackass.

The whole blog name angst started one day when I was having a conversation with Surviving Myself about blogging and then I said I hated the name of my blog and he said something to the effect of “thank god you said that because when I first saw it I thought seriously, that’s all she could come up with?’ and so we set out to find a new name and I bounced a few off him but nothing stuck.

And then I asked Rachel for her help because her blog name, Get Your Freak On is fucking great and she’s great at naming things but all we came up with was the “I’m sort of a big deal” tag line and also Atomic Blonde which Lynne liked too and that’s the best we have so far.

But I think we can do better because all of you on my blogroll and some of you who aren’t on there but I love anyway have great blog names.

Great ones!

I wish I had a neat little list to give you and you can just choose one, but I can’t even get that far. I’m having such issues and so I need you to use your creativity for good instead of evil and help me you guys. And there’s something in it for you because I know how this world works don’t you worry. You have until next Tuesday to either email me: crissy@crissyspage.com or put your suggested name in the comments section of this post. I will set up a way for people to vote on the names that I like for the following week and then the winner will get a T-shirt with the name on it. Either that or some underpants or something. Or maybe I’ll pay to have it tattooed on your ass. I haven’t decided yet.

And I don’t just want the other bloggers to help out. Nay nay, I’m also talking to you non-bloggers who are so sweet to read and comment, and also to you lurkers who never comment but I know you’re there people so don’t think you’re getting away with something because

I SEE YOU.

And please put some fucking clothes on, okay?

Maybe if you win a T-shirt you can wear it instead of nothing like you usually do.

God, I hope people participate in this because if they don’t I’m going to feel like a giant