Forever 34

I’m going to try and make this post funny or at least mildly amusing but I can’t make any promises as my fiber intake yesterday was, ahem, ambitious and today I’m having some issues.

When you’re old like I am now you have to pay attention to your colon but you should never eat Kashi Good Friends with strawberries for breakfast, Corn and spinach salad for lunch, watermelon, plums, peaches, and All Bran crackers for snack, and then lentil burgers with spinach for dinner all in the same day.

’nuff said.

So on my birthday Girlfriend and I went to the mall with my Victoria’s Secret gift card that was already burning a hole in my purse. I was able to find a few things but nothing that one could call a “set” because finding a matching bra and panty in the correct size during the Semi- Annual Sale is as likely to happen as that whole Virgin Birth story.

She was just giving that shit out to all the fellas.

You know that right?

And after that I went to Forever 21 for a little 34th birthday punishment fun.

One must never go into Forever 21 on her 34th birthday because really one is too old to shop there.

My daughter is closer in age to the store manager than I am.

Like, totally.

And I stood out like a whore at bible study with my stroller complete with preschooler stuffing her face with shut up and let mama shop bribe cookies.

And I felt like a giant momtard because there were some things I couldn’t identify as a shirt or a dress or as a dress or a skirt and I just put those things back immediately because those teenage salespeople are such bitches you can’t ask them for shit and you know I’d be the asshat to buy a shirt, thinking it was a dress, and walk around with my new non- matching VS Signature Cotton panties hanging out, right?

Or I’d buy an outfit thinking I was the shiznit (is that what the kids are saying? I have no idea) and end up looking like this:

Or like my Great Aunt Esther:

It was intimidating as hell.

But one good thing that happened there was that I had my best shopping moment ever with my daughter and this is going to make all you childless ladies out there want to have a little girl in the worst way.

When I held up a dress and asked Girlfriend if she liked it, she put her finger to her chin, considered her answer carefully, and said “yes I do, but do you have the shoes to go with it?”

I’m not going to lie to you Internet.

There were tears of joy as everything I’ve ever wanted in my whole life was given to me in that one moment.

I have a mini-me.

It’s about damn time.

So I finish my shopping and after being sufficiently ignored at the cash register by the little salescunts and then finally noticed and informed in the snottiest way possible of the store’s fucked up return policy, I went home with this dress in green,

These jangly bangle bracelets

And these earrings that make such a satisfying tinkly sound when I turn my head that my neck hurts now from making them go and so I cannot wear them again until I get my neck brace off.

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  1. Every woman should have a little girl go shopping with them. Went bathing suit shopping with my daughter;

    “How does Mommy’s bathing suit look?”
    “Perfect fit!”

    I should rent her out!

  2. there return policy is seriously f’ed up. i don’t get it, oh well at least they still have cheap cute jewelery.

    and i want a mini-me, thanks.

  3. The shoes?! Where’s the pic of the shoes!? I am so proud of you for shopping at Forever 21. Not only can I not fit one thigh into those tiny Barbie clothes but I just can’t tolerate the attitude and conversation of the clerks and kids (yes, I called 21-year olds “kids” and now you know to stay off my lawn) that shop there.

    But, oh my, that dress is cute.

  4. The salesbutt people actually spoke with you? So they didn’t just give you the “why the hell is this woman speaking to us?!” look? Jerks.

    Outfit is awesome! Love it! And Girlfriend? Seriously adorable. Every mom should have a “mini-me” version of themselves.

  5. Didn’t you get attacked by the lingerie Nazi’s at VS who want to “measure your boobs”? they always make me feel better about being ignored by the girls at Forever 21.

  6. If it makes you feel any better, I have that same “is it a shirt? is it a dress? is it a skirt? problem when I shop at Forever 21. I had to institute an “If I don’t know what it is, I don’t even try it on” policy. It’s basically made it so I can’t shop much at Forever anymore….

  7. Just so you know, as a man, I don’t necessarily consider it a bad thing when a hot woman’s shirt is so short her underwear is showing.

    Now, if you’re not hot, then that’s when I have a problem.

  8. Daughters are awesome! As for Forever 21, I think the policy is – if you’re more than double the name of the store, hence 42+, you musn’t enter. I should shop at Forever Cellulite.

  9. Hey!!! I had the same dilemma with my shirt/dress/tunic and legging mishap! Now, I was in Cato, and not forever 21, but nonetheless, I feel your pain.

    I have sons, who are teenagers, and NEVER tell me I look stupid, even when I do. They always tell me I look good (when I ask, that is). I’ve trained them well……..

    As a large, 42 yr old ‘woman’, I get the looks when going into teen stores… American Eagle and Hollister to shop for the boys……the tiny girl clerks look at me like I have NO BUSINESS in their hottie’s only store……so I refuse to buy their overpriced clothes. I’ll show them.

  10. Okay, I didn’t want to write this on my own blog, but I tried on a pair of jeans there and they fit. AND THEY WERE A SIZE SEVEN. SEVEN, INTERNETS! God, it was awesome. I didn’t buy them though, because I can’t get past the return policy.

  11. Rachel M.- My daughter tells me I have a nice ass. God I love that kid.

    Alexa- I hope you get a mini me someday. It’s the best!

    Dingo- I tried to get a picture of the shoes but DSW’s website doesnt’ have them. They have 630 pairs of sandals, but not the ones I got from the store. WTF???

    Marie- They only spoke to me to inform me of the return policy. And they hated doing it too. I could tell because one of them actually threw up in her hand a little bit.

    Denise- No they ignored me too.

    Stealthnerd- Do you think it’s the way they hang the stuff that’s so confusing or are we just stupid?

    Chris- Okay then I won’t worry about you pointing and laughing at me then.

    JoeInVegas- I did! They’re black with white sunflowers on them. They sound really queer, but they’re very cute and sexy.

    Lynne- Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!! You look skinny today btw.

    Shelly- Yeah! Fuck them!

    Melissa- Yeah, it’s the worst return policy ever! And you were a size 7 in there???? Wow. That’s like a -0 in normal people sizes.

    Neth- You can only return stuff for store credit but only if you have a reciept and a special Papal dispensation. Also, all jewelry is final sale.

  12. And they tell you the return policy in the meanest bitchiest voice ever like, “You do KNOW about our return policy?” and it always scares me so the first time I just said yes and then ran home and read about it on the internet.

    ADORABLE dress.

  13. Just to clarify the dress versus shirt thing, it is ALWAYS fashionable to wear something that makes people wonder whether you are wearing a shirt like it’s a dress. ALWAYS! If you are among the people wondering whether you are indeed wearing a shirt like a dress, that is so, so much better.

    Also, between the earrings and bracelets (which both look awesome, in one humble stoogepie’s opinion) you probably make quite a racket when you try. I think this calls for a video….

  14. I’m not sure the salespeople even really know if it is a shirt or skirt…

    Did I hear about a mini-Crissy? Does girlfriend have her own blog yet? Send the link, please.

  15. Um, does your great aunt Esther live in Havana? Because I think I photographed her when I was there in 1999. She has a fondness for purple pants, wears big earrings, and smokes cigars. I even had a conversation with her about cigars, because I wanted to bring some back for friends, and I wanted to know what kind she liked. Unfortunately, I don’t have a digital photo or a scanner, or I’d send my picture of her to you….it really looks like the same woman! I love your blog!

  16. Kiala- I wanted to just spit in her face and say “Of course!” and then do the same thing as you.

    stoogepie- I can play songs!

    Stealthnerd- Of course it’s them. What was I thinking?

    Matt- She doesn’t have a blog yet, but I think she should start one. I mean it’s about time.

    Megkathleen- She’s so cool, isn’t she?

    rs27-They can still turn the boys gay. No worries.

    Helen- Don’t tell the Internet this but I don’t really have a great aunt Esther. I made her up and found this picture on google. SHhhhhh!!!

  17. Ken: The return policy is a lot like a scene in a men’s prison when the blond guy drops the soap. Except you don’t get any sort of jail protection from your new “husband.”

  18. With my embryonic (is that a word) colon, I can eat anything I want. Score! Although, it’ll probably come back and bite me in ass when I’m as old as you. Your daughter’s pretty cut though, I love when they say something so cool like that.


    p.s. Only the ignorant ”””gangstas””” say shiznit. Please don’t perpetuate the cycle. PLEASE!!!!

  19. Lynne (comment #9): Good rule of thumb, but that doesn’t leave much hope for “Miss Sixty” to have any traffic. Maybe the inverse is true after a certain order of magnitude. Here in NYC, there’s a popular store called “Century 21.” Not sure which version of the rule would apply in that case.

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