A Video In Which I Smear Jam on my Buns

Good Morning Internet!

Thank you so much for all your birthday wishes and e-cards and mail mail cards and everything yesterday.

I’m pretty tired this morning from snorting coke off hooker’s thighs opening presents so I’ll fill you in on all the super sexy details later and leave you with this video.

It’s a secret family recipe so don’t go fucking telling everyone.

OH! I almost forgot!

I’m over at Chris’s today talking about some crap that happened recently at The Stop & Shop so come see me.

It’s still my birthday so you have to do what I say.

Do it.


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  1. Wow! That was awesome. I had to pause it so I could run and get a pen and some paper. I hope you don’t mind if I wrote the recipe down – I might serve this at my 4th of July cookout. I don’t know, it’s a little above my skill level, but we’ll see. GF is such a cutie pie. I miss seeing her on Tuesdays when she would come in for Storytime Throwdown. Hope you had a fun birthday!

  2. You’re a triangle cutter? I’m a vertical cutter. That’s top to bottom right? And you’re absolutely right, horizontal is WRONG. Thank god you’re teaching your daughter some values.

  3. Are you sure you were there when Girlfriend came into this world? She seems pretty sure that you weren’t and well, you may have been pretty hopped up on some vino at the time. I’m just sayin’.

  4. Lynne- I will come by and help you if you want.

    Melissa- What the hell are you doing up so early? Is it Archer?

    Rach- We can thank Crazy Uncle Paul for that. He also got her a Guns n’ Roses shirt, one that says Punk Rock Preschool, and one with skulls on it.

    Dingo- No. I’m positive that she’s the one that came out. It was 5pm and I didn’t have THAT much of a buzz yet.

  5. OMG! I love your chef hat! I’ll need one to make my own peanut butter and jelly/marmalade/whatever sandwich. I’ll need to replay this a couple times so I can get the recipe just right!

    Happy Friday!! (Finally, right??)

  6. Dads always get the baby girl’s hearts. We are just around to bring them into the world and tell them “no”….oh yeah, and to beat them when they get lippy….

  7. Nice of you to teach your husband’s daughter how to do that. It kinda keeps it in the family.
    Is that a chef’s hat, or do you have underwear on your head? (hope it’s clean)

  8. This post title was soooo misleading.

    I don’t have a whimsical plate so I can’t make this. That and my severe allergies to peanut butter.

    Either way.

  9. Thank you for making a vegan meal!

    Did Girlfriend just say “It’s 2 am”?

    Because, if she did, you are teaching her right.

    Last call for alcohol!

  10. Melissa- I wish that at least once a day.

    Marie- The week was long, wasn’t it?

    Matt- My birthday really cannot be compacted into only one day. It’s sort of like Jesus’s birthday is more of a season really than just one day.

    Rachel M.- The beatings are my favorite!

    Neth- Fuck you.

    JoeInVegas- What fun is clean underwear?

    rs27- I’m sorry again. I feel like I’ve been apologizing to you all day.

    Kiala- I was thinking of you when I chose a vegan dish. And no, it doesn’t get better than a courtesan and an assassin. YAY for SMUT!!!!

  11. Rachel- Thank you! It was really fun except I had to cringe a couple of times because there are some type-os that I didn’t catch when I sent it off to Chris. Shit. I will always find a way to embarrass myself somehow.

    Joy- You can do whatever you want. It’s YOUR birthday. If you want it to last a week, then it should.

    Megkathleen-Good luck! I hope you and Chuckles enjoy it.

    Nilsa- MAYBE!!! That means I’m coming to the wedding and I’m sitting with your folks.

  12. I’m very late responding to this video, I know, but I have to tell you: unless you show the prep work, I will never, ever be able to make a dish as complicated as this, with all its ingredients and utensils and plates. How, for instance, did you get the bread out of the bag? I have tried.

    Anyway, they sell this dish frozen, and I can also order it in. The video demonstration was great and I like how I now know some of your family secrets, and I loved Girlfriend’s shirt, but I will probably never be accomplished enough to cook this dish.

  13. Damn. I was going to comment on her shirt, but looks like others beat me to it. I don’t have to destroy my kitchen in a pathetic attempt to copy the genius involved in making this dish, as I can wait until school starts and buy one in the lunch line.

  14. Hey there! I just found your blog (via Arielle’s) and i rocks my socks off. Your daughter (well, as SOME would consider her to be) is the freakin cutest thing I’ve ever seen. And you crack me up! You two are so cute together too 🙂 So glad Ari gave you the shoutout! Awesome blog Crissy!

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