The Big 3-4

It’s my birthday today.

“Happy Birthday Crissy”

Thanks Internet.

So on my wish list this year is this:


I know I look like an idiot in this picture, but it’s not about me.

It’s all about the pimpin’ ride.

It’s the Electra Hawaii Custom edition but I would name her Circe.

God I want that bike. I don’t ride bikes, but that’s not the point. I would if I had THAT bike.

And I’d like it with a basket on the front for Alice and a trailer in the back for Girlfriend because I have to separate them or else they fight.


And also I would like handlebar streamers.

And one of those little metal license plates that says MILF on it.

And flowers on the basket please.

And Mister was going to get it for me because he’s sweet like that but I said “no.”

When you turn 34 you have to act like a grown up. I don’t know who the asshat is who made that rule but when I find him I’m going to shove his balls up his nose.

And its because we have a house and we have responsibilities and things that we need must come before things that we want and so I got one of these:

Because the one we had came free with the house and was of the same vintage as the one your mom got in 1984 and it was like a miracle box out of Star Trek or something and everyone suddenly became obsessed with popcorn and s’mores. It was probably emitting some sort of gammaalphabetasex rays and turning any of our future children into three headed fire monsters and so it was time to ditch the sucker.

As sexy, sexy, sexy as that is Mister balanced it off nicely with one of these:

and I’m going to settle for these instead of the bike

only I’d like them in the violet/amethyst combination because purple’s my favorite color.

Did you know that?

You should be writing this down.


And my friend Valerie sent me two cards, one email and one mail mail. In one of them she pointed out that we’ve known each other for 20 years. I don’t know how that’s even possible but you can’t lie to math so wow we really are old.

And maybe dinner out at this place.

And today will be a nice birthday I think.

Oh and I might ask my neighbor Michelle to go get stinking drunk on Margaritas see Sex and the City with me over the weekend.

And also I will at some point need to get naked and roll around in chocolate cake.

Maybe I’ll ask Michelle to do that too.

She likes cake.

And no I will not get it on video so don’t even ask.


So yeah.

Please leave all your happy birthday wishes and gifts in the space provided below and don’t be all mad at me if I don’t comment on your blog today because it’s my birthday and its all about me and not you.

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  1. You know I’m always up for a romp in the chocolate cake if it doesn’t work out with Michelle. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hubby did good. I know a microwave is an appliance and they are usually off limits as birthday gifts, but not having future fire monster babies is a gift in and of itself. Also the VS gift cert is a nice touch. 34, wow. You seriously could pass for 26. Have a great day!!! See you in a couple hours; we should have some birthday tomfoolery.

  2. 20 years and I still love ya babe! Wish I had known about the microwave, we had a almost fantastic one (it cooked at warp speed) that we gave away when we moved. Enjoy your day!!

  3. Happy Birthday! I tried to send you a e-card…with the obvious negative results…good grief. But a gift is on the way…

    And then I was going to call you and sing Happy Birthday, but figured it was too early (6:23) and so I am waiting until a decent hour (7:45) so that you can enjoy it and not want to kill me straight away.

    And I am not keeping track of how long we have known each other either–that way, when we’re 40 and look 30 we won’t give ourselves away by saying we’ve known each other for umpteen years and then backtrack by lying and saying that we knew each other in utero somehow. Because lying about your age is okay–other lying is wrong.

    Happy Birthday Lady!

    ps-And HURRY to Vicky’s–the semi-annual sale is happening RIGHT NOW!


    I, unlike the awesome people above me, did not send you a gift or an e-card. I guess it’s because I suck. Hopefully you will forgive me someday.

    Hopefully your day is super fantastic!

  5. HB! …cake is the most important part of any birthday, so I sincerely hope you enjoy the rolling around naked in it. (How could you not, actually?)

  6. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Yay for birthdays! See? That sounds like I’m five. I think you should totally get the bike or just pimp out your new microwave. Either way, no sense in growing up and being an adult all the time.

    Have a fantastically wonderful day!! πŸ™‚

  7. Wow, you didn’t get the bike? But I send money to Crissy’s Pimp with specific Crissy’s Birthday instructions, “Get the awesome bike for Crissy and make sure to get the streamers coming from the handle bars.” I wonder what he did with the money?

  8. Happy Birthday.

    Hope you guys have fun.

    And the green tires on that bike are fantastic, I have never seen that before! Awesomeness.

  9. Welcome to the 3-4-Club. Glad you finally made it. We’ve got just about 6 months to celebrate, party and live it up until I graduate to 3-5. Woot!

  10. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Also, I would TOTALLY have asked for the bike still…I got a coloring book for my birthday and I’m 23, so I think handlebar streamers are still allowed.

  11. Happy Birthday!

    In Portland there is no age at which you couldn’t have that bike.

    So, I say get it. Plus, we are the same age now which means we are best friends forever.

    EFF. WHY. EYE.

  12. Lynne- I never meant to exclude you! I thought we could do a little cake diving here and then more later with Michelle.

    Val- SHIT! Oh well.

    Rach- I was up at 5 waiting for you to call me.

    Leah- I didn’t get you anything for your birthday either. Don’t sweat it.

    Jessica- It’s impossible to not enjoy cake in any form.

    Marie- I’m taking donations for the new bike fund and I expect you all to contribute.

    Dingo- He spent it on hookers and blow for the party tonight. That’s good too.

    Aznman- How does your wife feel about that?

    Neth- You’ll have to ask Michelle.

    Matt- That’s what I loved about it too. It’s totally cool.

    Nilsa- Thank you for the wonderful email this morning! That was really sweet of you.

    JoeInVegas- I would like 34 of them please.

  13. Stealthnerd- Isn’t it too cool?

    Arielle- I’ll let you ride it if I get it but you have to come and visit me.

    Chris- THAT’s where I got that name from! I’ve seen it. It’s okay I guess, but I don’t like the part with the horse.

    Kiala- I’d let you have some of my cake but you’re vegan now and cake has eggs in it so BOOOO!!!! YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY.

  14. I hate how being 34 means asking for practical gifts, but I do it too. You know, it’s not too late. It’s still your birthday. You could still ask for that bike. ooooh! And a PONY!

  15. Happy birthday!! Don’t get too drunk on wine tonight.

    Oh, who am I kidding?! Get sloppy drunk and make your pimp carry you out of the restaurant. I’ve heard that that is the traditional way to celebrate your 34th.

  16. Happy Birthday! We are such twinners! June birthdays, children, house and a microwave that came with the house, and with Regan’s presidency.

    Happy, happy day!

    May you receive a lot of oral sex today. ‘Tis better to receive than to give, I always say.

  17. Happy Birthday Hottie… When should I come over and start the birthday spankings LOL Hmmm 34 of them, I’ll try to be gentle…

  18. This all a ploy for me to say Happy Birthday. I won’t succumb to your games.

    But I bought you a blender. You can come pick it up in LA.

  19. Happy Birthday Crissy!

    I am one of those pesky lurkers you are always complaining about, but what better day to post my first comment then your birthday?! I for one think my birthday should be a National Holiday, and yours as well considering the heroics you have performed. Anyway, have a great day, and I hope you do get that bike as a surprise later πŸ™‚

  20. Happy Birthday!!

    What is wrong with three-headed fire babies? They would make for a lot of awesome posts.

    Also, when are you posting the video of you rolling around in the cake? We would all also like to see what you get with the gift card. Yeah, the microwave is nice, too.

  21. for the record, the microwave i pulled out of the cabinet yesterday afternoon was a sharp, and weighed about 30 lbs, drew 1.4kw out of the wall, and had a 600w magnetron. it was manufactured in 1984.

    the panasonic i replaced it with weighed 20 lbs, draws 1.5kw out of the wall, and has a 1250w magnetron. it was manufactured in 2008.

    the panasonic is smaller on the outside and bigger on the inside. it cooks food in half the time and thus is a little less than twice as efficient.

    the only thing is that it will likely be broken and thrown away in 4 years instead of still-working-fine and thrown away at 24. ahh, progress.

    melissa, i’ve made an offer on the lickety-split, but i have been informed that the storefront is undergoing renovations and is temporarily closed for business. i even went so far as to point out that i love red wings in the birthday card that was presented this very morning, but the foreman reiterated that it was a closed job site and that i would have to wait for the building inspector to deem it safe.

    fucking politics! can’t they see i’m an able-bodied man willing to do some good work? i just want to earn a living.

  22. Contrats Crissilicious! Glad to see you have a lovely and very sexy microwave. Love it. Nice you got a sweet little gift card, too. Now, those sneakers, Grammy will just have to see about that. Happy Birthday!

  23. Happy Birthday! I haven’t been to Spain since I was… Oh lord now I feel old.

    If I address your gift to Queen of Fucking Everything will you get it?

  24. Happy Birthday from some one turning 34 in September.

    Oh and by the way your are making my history list tomorrow.

    Seriously, my future wife has damn near the same bike right down to the color.

  25. ummmmmm.

    Happy late birthday.

    If I could’ve found a way to hack in and change the date of this post, so it appeared that I posted my well-wishings on the correct day, don’t think that I wouldn’t have.

    But I no be smart like that.

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