Crissy & the Very Bad Day

We had the worst night on Monday.

When I got home from work, Mister was very angry because Alice had gone through the kitchen trash again even though we keep it in a cabinet and even though I give her a tummy yummy to keep her busy when we’re not home.

And then he went upstairs to find that she had also carpet bombed Girlfriend’s room, which never happens.

NEVER.

I’m serious. This dog is a saint.

And she was obviously fucked up on something because she was panting and shaking and looking at her bum like it was some sort of entity she didn’t recognize because that’s what she does when she has The Farting.

So we figured she must have eaten the empty bag of cocaine coffee filter from the trash and that she has a cocaine Starbucks buzz like you read about. But we weren’t too concerned because we thought it would wear off and she’d be fine.

But no.

Around midnight, Alice was very much not. fine. and was sitting on my head and panting with her whole body so I got out of bed to seek advice from the Internet to weigh her chances of surviving the night sans medical attention as opposed to putting on a bra and driving 45 minutes to pay out the ass at the 24 hour doggie emergency room when she hurled and had explosive swamp ass simultaneously on my foot (!) and all over the only room in the house that still has wall to wall carpeting.

Why do dogs always pick the carpeting?

It was so violent that it scared her so she ran around the room spraying evil from both ends.

It was a lovely experience really and exactly what I wanted to be doing at midnight.

So I snapped on my rubber gloves and cleaned up the mess with some bleach and paper towels and oh my it was a smell that dare not speak it’s name.

And you know I wasn’t going to let Mister sleep without being informed of current events in the computer room.

So I woke him up and he brought Alice outside while I cleaned and then joined them outside to wait out the storm. She seemed a little better after running around the yard and doing her thang so we all went back to bed and fell asleep.

And then our drunken friend called to tell us George Carlin died.

Yes, thank you but he’ll still be dead tomorrow so…yeah you’re a douche.

So we went back to sleep for maybe an hour when Girlfriend falls out of her bed and screams her head off demanding Tinker bell band aids and medicine for the pain which were totally unnecessary because she landed on her feet when she “fell” about a foot and a half to the floor.

Yeah.

We’re nothing without high drama around here.

That’s just how we roll.

And then she demanded to sleep in our bed and knee and elbow us all night.

And then we were out of coffee in the morning.

I was so groggy in the shower that when I went to put shampoo in my hair I missed and put it in my left eye instead. As if that wasn’t irritation enough, when I was soaping up my bath poofy I splashed body wash into the same damned eye so I walked around all day with a stingy red crack whore eye.

It’s a look I sport quite often actually.

Once out of the shower I noticed that the house still smelled of last night’s doggie pukeapalooza and upon investigation discovered more issues under my nightstand. And under my bed. And in my closet.

Having finally cleaned up what I thought was the last of the shit or barf or whateverthefuck it was I head downstairs to make breakfast and I find what?

More shitbarf.

On the couch.

Freaking. Sweet.

So I cleaned that up too and headed off to bring Girlfriend to her 3 year doctor’s checkup. She did great and didn’t tell the doctor to fuck off even once and I even overheard the doctor say to her nurse “kids like her are the reason I went into this field. She just made my day. She’s just adorable.”

I’ve never been more proud.

And then we left with our prescription for a lead screening blood test but apparently our stop off at the potty was enough to make me forget that the blood lab is downstairs and upon exiting the potty I marched us right back up to the window at the pediatrician’s office and presented them with the slip for the blood lab.

The receptionist was very polite and didn’t really judge me much and directed me downstairs.

“Oh, right. I knew that. How stupid of me…”

Jesus Kristen!

So we got through the blood lab and Girlfriend received 2 stickers and a giraffe band aid for being so brave and I got nothing even though I cried twice and almost passed out.

Once I got out to the car I realized I didn’t have my sunglasses.

So I went back to the pediatrician’s office with my crack eye still stinging like a motherfucker to see if anyone had turned them in.

The receptionist who clearly has prior experience working with the retarded, the infirmed, and the drug addicted just looked at me, patted her head, and said “do they look like the ones on your head?”

Oh.

So we made a couple of quick stops and came home with a special treat for lunch for both Girlfriend and for mommy for being brave at the blood lab and found out that the entire house smells like a diarrhea swimming pool.

It’s funny how you don’t notice a stench until you’ve been away from it for a while.

It’s also funny how when you’re totally focused on your child you don’t notice that your eye is fucked up.

Upon investigation in the mirror I noticed that my still stingy crack eye had apparently leaked yucky goo that I must have wiped across my face inadvertently and it had dried on in a lovely cumshotesque pattern down my cheek.

I’ll be expecting that call from both the ASPCA and Child Services any moment now…

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38 comments

  1. …kids like her are the reason I went into this field. She just made my day. She’s just adorable.

    And this is why Girlfriend will get a write up in the paper and her own very special day.

    I got nothing even though I cried twice and almost passed out.

    Sigh. And this is why you won’t.
    Although you’d think cleaning pukepalooza would count for something don’t ya’? But it doesn’t. It doesn’t count for shit. Hee. Sorry, couldn’t resist.

  2. Hence why we got rid of the pets once we had kids. The only pets that we have are Beta fish, and even then I must confess, I accidently poured one down the kitchen sink when I tried changing its water. Good Luck with the stains an smell.

  3. Ahem….at MY house, the HUSBAND is trained to clean up any doggie/kitty/puking child mess, while the PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS doesn’t do much.

    The method works BEAUTIFULLY. Beautifully. You should try it.

  4. Dingo- Shit jokes are nearly impossible to resist. You are forgiven.

    Val- Ha, ha, ha, ha!!! Just don’t lose one of the kids down the drain and I think God will forgive you.

    Shelly- Usually biohazard spills are his department, but I didn’t want to wake him up with the paper towels and bleach so I thought I’d just do it this one time. I’m very magnanimous. I think that’s how you spell it.

  5. Your life is most definitely larger than mine. I’m pretty sure they’re working on naming a paper after you – so your name is in the paper every single day.

  6. I always forget and think that Alice is your kid instead of your dog, so for the first few lines of this I was thinking, well, Kristen, maybe you shouldn’t leave her home alone…

    The picture didn’t help the situation.

  7. This post was both terrible and fantastic. Terrible because the image of your dog exploding from both ends makes me very sad for you. Fantastic because I’ve now scared my coworkers by laughing out loud and thus showing signs of life before 10am.

  8. Oh man what a crappy night and next day (literally). So do you have to completely repaint and recarpet and refurnish your house now?

    Now THIS they need to write about or show on TV!

  9. Nilsa- Oh, the glamor of it all!

    Neth- It can be recreated. I can’t believe I just said that.

    Arielle- ha, ha, ha, ha!!

    Stealthnerd- Signs of life before 10am would scare the shit out of my co-workers too.

    Marie- I just bleached the shit out of everything.

  10. we’ve had a few episodes like that here…but those are filed under “Our most embarrassing moments that will NEVER be mentioned” as they were not even canine.

    oops…I guess they’ve been mentioned.

  11. I hope Saint Alice is okay today. She should be. Sometimes I don’t feel good either after I have too much cocaine Starbucks, but it passes.

    I’m sure that doctors see crack whore eye with cumshotesque cheek patterns everyday. What gets me is that nobody bothered to say to you, “hey, you’ve got splooge all over your face.” What is this world coming to? Where are people’s manners?

  12. I thought my M-I-L was the only one who used “swamp ass” You know I’ve actually had nights follow by days just like that, with the sunglasses blunder and ALL! it’s freaky I tell you.

  13. Thank you Crissy for reminding me of how great it is at my place. No, I do not want to trade.
    Fortunately our dogs are 9 pounds each and can’t reach the top of the trash can, and if they do have a problem it can’t be over a pounds worth, if that big considering their size.
    Glad I wasn’t eating anything when I read that or I’d have a desk and monitor to clean off. I just have a co-worker wondering what I’m reading.

  14. Rachel- Yes and why you feel the need to call me during those episodes escapes me.

    Melissa- It’s not too late for the dog part.

    Chris- Right?

    stoogepie- Nobody let on at all. I can’t believe it either.

    Jim- The dog. Feel bad for the dog because after she’s feeling better she still has to live with me.

    Matt- That’s an excellent point. Everything is clear to me now.

    Denise- It’s like we’re the same person.

    Kiala- ooooo…that’s tough. Sorry.

    JoeInVegas- Alice is 20lbs of mischief.

    rs27- It’s fucking rank isn’t it?

    Lauren- Dogs are better than kids. Get a dog. They only make a foul mess sometimes. Kids are a foul mess all of the time.

    Rachel- A nightmare that is reality. But only sometimes.

  15. Joy- that’s exactly what I did but I fucked myself because I got drunk and stayed up too late and now I’m hungover and even more tired on top of it. I can be such a fuck up sometimes.

  16. I love that this is tagged oops! I crapped my pants.

    But seriously, that sucks. My dog had an upset stomach not too long ago and it was not pretty.

  17. As I’m reading this, I find a little bit of dog vomit on my arm. Great. I’d like to tell everyone who’s swearing off dogs that having a dog isn’t all that gross, but that would just be lying.

  18. Yikes. I have saved this post so whenever I get really sad and depressed about the fact that I don’t have a puppy of my own I can read this and feel better about that fact.

  19. You should get those baby proof cabinet locks for under the sink. The ones that open like an inch or two and you have to reach in and squeeze them to open further. They’d keep both the kid and dog out of that stuff and prevent more…. coffee issues. Alternately you could get a Stainless pedal kitchen can like I have. It was sorts expensive but is fabulous. seals smells in, and heavy enough to resist dog tipping, plus you can open it with both hands full.

  20. Morgy- You know how it is.

    Matt-Can you lick your own ass too? Wait. Don’t answer that.

    Jamie- It’s never pretty. Never.

    Megan- Liar, liar, pants on fire.

    Megkathleen- They’re not gross all the time. I swear!

    Geekybiker- That’s exactly what we’re going to do. The baby locks, not the expensive stainless can. They are nice though.

  21. First, I am so sorry. I have a Lab who did this to me very recently sans swamp ass and ruined my killer Oriental rug.

    Secondly, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH……

    Thirdly, thanks. I needed a laugh!

  22. First off this post sent ME to the bottle, so I don’t know how YOU survived the day.

    Secondly, your description of the dog’s swamp ass is my husband’s ass to a T….

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