Suck A Fat Dick Newswankers

I’m hurt Internet.

If you were me, would this go up your ass sideways and then backwards and then do a twist and swirly and a few karate kicks?

I’m a Saylesville woman. Not a hero. Not a even a god damned Good Samaritan.

When I picture a Saylesville woman I picture this:

Not this:

Sorry. Wrong picture.

Wait a second.

Okay, not…

this:

DSC08118_resize.jpg

And it turns out that Officer Dreamy McHot isn’t his real name after all.

I could have sworn that’s what it said on his badge.

Huh.

It was also on the channel 12 news and that story is even more infuriating than the stupid newspaper article because it made

NO MENTION WHATSOEVER OF THE QUEEN OF FUCKING EVERYTHING.

None.

All they said was that there was a commendation ceremony (!) held on Saturday for the fireman who “spotted a boy struggling in the water and bravely swam out to save him.”

He-ll-ooooo!

Is the fireman psychic?

Did a little birdie tell him there was a problem in the pond?

WAS LASSIE THERE TO TELL HIM TIMMY WAS IN TROUBLE AGAIN????

Fuck. no.

IT WAS ME!!!!

We tried to get the news story on video but of course at the crucial moment the fucking shit fuck camera asshole would not work.

Needless to say, I’m outraged Internet.

I wish it was on the channel 10 news instead of the stupid crappy channel 12 news because channel 10’s Frank Coletta woulnd’t do me like that and put the story on without interviewing the Saylesville woman who made the call in the first place.

See?

He’s nice.

And btw, he’d never call me a Saylesville woman.

He’d call me by my proper name.

The Queen of Fucking Everything.

And he’d include the Fucking part too.

Because he’s cool like that.

And accurate.

And you know what else really puts a fly in my ointment? Everyone is calling the fireman a “hero” and giving him medals and plaques and shit and he was just doing his job. It’s his fucking job to fucking save people. Is this what happens to you guys when you do your job because if it is, I need to speak to my boss. She never gives me stuff when I catalog a book correctly without being asked (even though it’s a rare event).

I just don’t think we should go tossing the word hero about so carelessly like we do.

I’ll shut up about all this now, but just so you know, next time I hear someone drowning in the pond?

Fuck ’em.

I’m going to let the psychic fire department handle it from now on.

I don’t even know why they have a phone.

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30 comments

  1. They could have AT LEAST said Saylesville hot mommy blogger/whore, I mean, aren’t they supposed to try to be accurate??? Jeez. Also, are your loyal subjects aware that you have a birthday this week??? You’ll be um…. 26, right?

  2. No commendation? Not EVEN for your birthday? Idiots. Do they KNOW who they are dealing with?

    I’d write a letter to the EDITOR and to the FIRE CHIEF……..and EVERYONE.

    They could have at LEAST included the hottest mommy blogger in the mention of the HEROIC efforts put forth for this boy.

    And Officer Dreamy McHot? Screw him…he should have mentioned you FIRST in his report. I’d write his commander as well to point out that the officer isn’t all that McHot, and he didn’t DO HIS JOB.

    I also wouldn’t let someone drown. I’d call for help AGAIN *sigh*, then ALERT THE MEDIA. Make sure you submit the picture of you at the sink so they get the story RIGHT this time.

  3. Officer McHot is so McNOT! He should have turned the plaque over to you himself…or never accepted it in the first place.

    BTW…you MIGHT get a mention next time if you are wearing that outfit when they come to your door.

    just sayin’.

  4. “Frank Coletta woulnd’t do me like that”

    actually, you have to be wary of that guy. a little searching on the internet turned up this picture of him:

    i suspect he is a lot more predatory than he lets on, and may in fact end up “doing you” in a lot more ways than you suspect.

    i’m just lookin’ out for you.

  5. That’s just crap. It would have made an awesome news story had you been mentioned AND interviewed. What kind of town do you live in?!

  6. I totally agree with you. Especially on the firemen as heroes part. They get paid the big bucks and get the poon-tang because who can resist a fireman. NOT ME (hint, hint Portland firemen).

    On a separate, but related note: I’ve never kissed a girl. I know. It’s because I’m 33. If I were 32 1/2, I would have. Because I missed the experimenting with girls window by six months.

    I think Ken hates me now.

  7. Lynne- 26. Yes. I’ll be 26.

    Shelly- I’m going straight to the top with this one. I’m going to write a letter to Batman. I’m sure he knows how I feel.

    Rachel- But I WAS wearing that outfit and still. Nothin.

    Neth- That’s just wrong. Funny. But wrong. Poor Frank.

    Marie- I live in a town full of lazy stupids.

    Denise- It cracked me up too. Is it wrong to laugh at your own jokes?

    Melissa- You’ve never made out with a girl? You’re right though. You missed your window somewhere in your early to mid twenties. And yes. Ken probably doesn’t hate you I think you hurt him a little bit.

  8. I’ve never made out with a girl either.

    But I’m kind of repressed, so that makes sense.

    Those Rhode Island “Newspeople” can suck it.

  9. Man, that news story did yoga up your ass! No wonder you’re hurt!

    I think maybe we are being a little too hard on the firedude, though. I mean, he was working on a goddamn sewer pump station on the other end of the pond, and then he jumps into the pond where he has undoubtedly just pumped tons of liquid shit to save a kid. That’s a little heroicly nasty.

    Still, I bet he got a commendation for working at the sewer pump station, too.

    Anyways, I will write a letter to Batman on your behalf, too. I’m pretty sure he never gets tired of hearing from me.

  10. Just give me the word and I will organize the parade of lip-locking women (Kiala, Melissa, here’s your chance) and our never to be underestimated male bloggers.

    Are you going to wear your pretty butterfly wings?

  11. @melissa lion: i could never hate you. in fact, i rather prefer the thrill of being there when someone gets their cherry popped–there’s nothing quite like the exhilaration of flipping the bird at yet another sexual taboo. so thank you for letting me relish the anticipatory thought.

    @Chris: anybody can put out a fire with a big hose, but i’d like to see him run a 100+ server datacenter. plus my wife is hotter than his and has a much better blog.

    @Kiala: hey, you and melissa are pretty close to one another–watch the readership go through the roof after you guys do a “how to make out with another girl” video. you’ll be lucky if the webserver doesn’t get crushed. don’t panic… you can start slow and lead into it. it’s all about the foreplay.

  12. I think you might need to stage a protest at the newspaper, complete with hundreds of people and huge posters that say things like, “What do you have against hot mommy bloggers?” and you should have a podium where you can give inspiring speeches.

  13. Ken, thank you for that suggestion. And here I was thinking my next video would be about black beans. Because we’re doing prepared foods. Maybe next week.

    Is that really a picture of Crissy? I tried to blow it up, but it wouldn’t go. For the tattoo, you understand.

  14. Matt- They think because they’re all hairy and dumb they should get everything. And the Collies are even worse!

    Kiala- You either? I’m repressed too, and I’ve done it!

    rs27- You can have it.

    stoogepie- Batman tells me he loves your letters and he says he wishes you’d draw him sometime. Sounds dirty to me.

    Dingo- Do you think the wings will make drunken 20 year old girls hot for me?

    Megkathleen- I have always wanted to make inspiring speeches.

    Melissa- It’s not me in the picture. I googled my name on Google images and that picture came up, but it’s not me I swear.

    JoeInVegas- I was the Saylesville woman. I don’t know who another woman was but she sounds like a bitch.

    Nilsa- They’re waiting for you to get to RI first because they know you don’t want to miss it.

  15. Well, truth be known, I’m actually spear-heading the honorary event. Think you can hold off until late July? That whole Veteran’s Day thing was just a decoy.

  16. What?! Ridiculous. You should call them and set them straight. I mean, really, I’m sure people would rather see your face on the cover of the newspaper.

  17. Take a deep breath, count to 10…. Then scream loudly and brush the whole thing under a carpet. Obviously they’re a bunch of ungrateful sods round your neck of the woods. Don’t fret though, you’re still our hero and next time I’m drowning, it’s you I’ll be counting on to save me!

  18. You ARE a hero. Everyone else was inside hugging their air conditioner on that particular hot day. You were bravely exposing yourself to skin cancer just in time to hear that young man’s cry for help. And, because you’re extremely intellitent, you could sort that out from among the other fuck-heads who yell for help just horsing around. GOOD ON YOU, HERO, SAYLESVILLE WOMAN!

  19. Hi Saylesville Woman! Can’t believe how ignorant news folks can be. I agree. Frank Coletta would have mentioned your name and shown you, Alice, and Girlfriend in the kiddie pool to show the public just how it all unfolded. You’re a hero!

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