Fine. I’ll Worship Myself Then.

Well, it’s been over a week since I became the greatest thing since sliced bread and saved a boy from drowning and still there’s nothing.

No parade,

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No flowers,

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No news story,

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Not even a mention in the weekly Police Blotter. Whatever that is.

No Queen of Fucking Everything,

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No paparazzi chasing me and asking me personal questions about myself,

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so I must say I’m disappointed in this town.

Apparently Schmuckytown USA is really Town Who Doesn’t Give a Rat’s Ass When People Almost Die in a Pond and Hot Mommy Bloggers Rescue Them Town.

But that’s okay.

Don’t cry for me Internet.

Well, okay. If you insist but it’s not necessary. Much.

(Yes it is.

CRY BITCHES.

DO IT!!!)

I’m not hurt because I know what a good thing I did and that’s what really matters. Anything else is just gravy. I just wish I had known that they weren’t planning anything because I’ve been sitting in my window waiting for them for over a week now and my butt is stuck to the window sill just like that lady on the news who was stuck to her toilet for two years and I’m going to have to get it removed and I wonder if my call to 911 for that will get me a date with Officer Dreamy McHot the attention I so richly deserve.

So yeah.

Acts of extreme heroism and bravery?

Not so much around here.

Wankers.

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32 comments

  1. I contacted the Parade Committee for our local 4th of July parade and they agreed to change the theme from “Hometown Heroes” to “Crissy Saves The Day and is Therefore Queen of Fucking Everything”. How’s that? Am I a good friend or what?

  2. I am so grossed out by that woman on the toilet–yea, I read the article–that I can’t possibly be witty right now. OMG now stands for Oh My Grossness!

    How do you wipe if your ass is GROWING AROUND the toilet seat? AND how big is your ass to begin with if it is GROWING AROUND a toilet seat?

    I am disturbed.

    It reminds me of that movie Seven–oooh, which reminds me of Brad Pitt…who makes me kinda tingly (well, not really, but it’s an image that’s a whole Crissy’s the Queen of Everything Parade better than some idiot’s ass stuck to a toilet).

    I need some coffee…

  3. Wow… I had no idea where you lived was so lame. I guess Matt and I have to re-think our move to your (not-so) great state.

    I mean, what the crap kind of place do you live in that doesn’t at least mention these things in the dinky police blotters?

    I am severely disappointed.

  4. The police blotter did however mention the guy whose car had been vandalized at the Honey Dew Doughnuts shop but nothing about a Hot Mommy blogger saving a poor innocent youth, have they no honor? no sense of decency? rat bastards.

  5. What mofos! (Am I allowed to write mofo?) They mention it nowhere?? Not even in the local newspaper or something?? What the hell is wrong with people?! Maybe it’s time to move Hot Mommy Crissy out of said town just so you can snub them.

  6. Your town better get it’s act together. Surely they don’t want your readers to come form their own freak parade celebration of your greatness in the tranquil streets of Schmuckytown USA.

  7. Like Denise, after I finished crying as directed, I spent a little while trying to figure out how the hell some dude’s 13-year-old Ford Mustang getting keyed makes it into the police blotter and yet Acts Of Selfless and Extreme Heroism and Bravery do not. The difference is that the act of vandalism occurred in the parking lot of a donut shop. The moral is that if you save someone’s life and want the cops to think it worthy of reporting for the police blotter, donuts had better be involved.

    I used to think it was cool when women got stuck to my toilet seat. Not such much anymore. That article says the woman might have had a phobia against leaving the bathroom. Fine. That does not explain how your ass physically fuses to a toilet seat and grows around it. Stand up every now and then, damnit!

    I’m all for naming June 10th “National Crissy Saves The Day Day,” especially if we can keep both uses of the word “Day” in there.

    You’re my heroine. And my heroin.

  8. What? The parade didn’t make it your way? WTF? I got it started all the way over here in Chicago. And it was a hoot. You should’ve seen people rockin’ and rollin’ and hollerin’ all the way down the street. The momentum was good when I handed the baton off to the next leader as they were headed to Cleveland. Damn!

  9. Lynne- Wow. You really are a great friend. You can be on the float with me if you want.

    Rach- When don’t you need coffee?

    Leah- No, no, no. Please move to RI. Maybe not just to Schmuckytown.

    Denise- Apparently only the fuck ups get attention in this town. That’s fine. I can be a fuck up just as easily as I can be a do gooder.

    Marie- I prefer Motherfuckers but mofo is fine too I guess.

    Dingo- HOW AWESOME WOULD A BLOG PARADE BE? Oh we have got to do this!

    Matt- NO! DON’T LEAVE ME. I’m a very, very big deal. I swear.

    stoogepie- I’m all about using day twice. And, Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

  10. Do those people in your stupid town realize that YOU HAVE A BLOG???

    I bet they don’t, because if they did, they’d understand how Important you really are.

  11. Nilsa- You know I thought I heard some marching band music off in the distance. WAY in the distance…must have been it.

    Chris- Clearly they’re making a big mistake. HUGE.

  12. I once saved a kid from drowning in ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. Okay, he probably wouldn’t have actually DROWNED but still, I got no recognition for that either.

    I feel your pain.

    Mini cubicle parade in your honor commencing…NOW.

  13. Melissa- I save soda cans all the damn time!

    Lauren- Really? I just don’t get how that could happen. Ever.

    stealthnerd- Ha, ha, ha! I’m having a parade for you right now too. You deserve it.

  14. it’s not publicized because it would that make it a lot harder for the cop and you to keep the affair secret.

    little do you know i have already installed the cameras and will be selling the video to various internet streaming distributors. after i toss some knuckle children out myself, of course.

  15. Well I will stick around for a little while longer. I realize that sometimes it takes the paparrazzi a while to find people. They still havent found me, so…

  16. rs27- I guess you’re right. I’m stupid.

    Neth- Fine but I’d better get a cut of that. The money I mean. Not the, ahem, knuckle children. You can keep those.

    Matt- Thank you. You are too magnanamous. Did I spell that right?

    Megan- Oooooo. I hadn’t thought of that. Yes, yes, that must be it!

  17. It won’t come easy
    You’ll think it strange
    When I try to get covered in the press
    That I still need your recognition
    After all that I’ve done
    You won’t believe me
    All you will see
    Is a girl you once knew
    Although she’s dressed up to the nines
    At sixes and sevens with you

    I could not let it happen
    I had to call
    Couldn’t let his life end down at the pond
    Looking out of the window
    Staying out of the sun
    So I chose dailing
    Calling 911 reporting every yell
    But nothing impressed you at all
    I always expected it too

    Don’t cry for me Internet
    The truth is I saved a boy
    All through my wild days
    My mad existence
    I kept my promise
    Don’t keep your distance

    And as for fortune and as for fame
    I always invited them in
    And it seemed to the world
    They were all I desired
    They are orgasmic
    They are the solutions
    They promise to be
    The answer was here all the time
    I love you and hope you love me

    Don’t cry for me Internet

    Don’t cry for me Internet
    The truth is I saved a boy
    All through my wild days
    My mad existence
    I kept my promise
    Don’t keep your distance

    Have I said to much?
    There’s nothing more I can think of to say to you
    But all you have to do
    Is look at me to know
    That every word is true

  18. I started to organize a HUGE parade for you since you shared your ‘QUEEN OF FUCKING EVERYTHING’ with me, but I got sidetracked in Hawaii…..um…I mean……JURY DUTY.

  19. Honestly, what in this life is more of a tribute than your words put into the mouth of Madonna?

    I think Geeky Biker has said everything…

    I also think he may be gay…

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that *insert Seinfeld wink*

  20. Megkathleen- Oh, you already know what fabulosity is like lady.

    JoeInVegas- I will wait patiently. Thank you.

    Geekybiker- Bwahahahahaha!!!!! I love that! You are awesome and now I’m going to have to have a parade for YOU.

    Shelly- Oh well. Hawaii, I mean, duty calls I guess.

    Rach- Was that not totally fabulous?

  21. Well it was Andrew Llyod Weber long before it was Madonna. Honestly I liked it better in life theatre. They cut one of my favorite songs in the movie.

  22. Geeky, all of us girls know that info–but it would be WAY cooler to have Madonna give you a shout-out don’t ya think?

    😉

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