Yesterday was Father’s Day so Girlfriend and I showered Mister with what we considered to be man stuff like a pimpin’ new grill.
Not this kind playa,
this kind;
because Mister is a man’s man and men like to do manly things like cook meat out of doors, preferably during a hurricane or a tornado because battling adverse weather conditions while cooking the meats is even more manly and besides, everyone knows cooking in of doors is for pussies and losers.
And on Friday Girlfriend and I went to Macy’s to purchase a new smell for him because stinking of balls and pot and beer is just um…how do I put this…
wrong.
The instant we arrived in the men’s fragrance department we were attacked by a deranged woman wearing a holster full of cleverly designed parfum bottles and a shirt cut so low I was convinced her bubbies were gonna tumble out any second.
But they didn’t.
Boo.
Has anyone ever met a normal fragrance nazi because I haven’t and I’m pretty sure people go insane from inhaling all that stuff because they always seem a little tweak-y.
I don’t know, but I hate going to the fragrance department. Hate. it. because every bottle I picked up to smell
If Fleur du Male wasn’t made for twink-y gay boys I don’t know what was.
Smells like grandpa.
Nah.
the woman would rave about and tell me it’s the number one seller and I’m thinking they can’t all be number one now can they crazy person but I didn’t say it because “think it, don’t say it” is my motto and when I interrupted her with an “I don’t like it” she’d instantly agree with me which lead me to believe that
A. she hates her job and
B. she’s full of shit and
C. who can blame her?
But anyway she tried to give me the hard sell on the Aqua de Gio which is apparently what everyone and their lover is going insane for and for me? Not so much. I didn’t like it. It was too light. Not that I like a heavy fragrance but I think men’s stuff should be a little darker and deeper and that’s because smells are powerful and it all goes back to this boy:
who truth be told was my first everything and he wore the Drakkar that everyone went b-a-n-a-n-a-s for in the 90’s and any scent even close to that takes me back to the naughty fumblings in the back seat of his mom’s Volvo and makes me moist in the panty I like and if I smell it and I don’t feel it in my netherlands I don’t buy it because paying 50 + monies for something that doesn’t give me an instant orgasm is just stupid.
Agreed?
So I smelled all this stuff and left the store smelling like a gay hooker posse, but I chose this because it did the trick:
and then I went home to change my panties and re-evaluate my sexual preferences because I was genuinely disappointed that I didn’t get to see the crazy lady’s cans.
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the best father’s day present in the world is being married to you, sweetie.
-me
ps. thanks for the play-through saturday night.
Neth- Awwww…aren’t you the sweetest. And you’re welcome for the two most cliche father’s day gifts a girl could ever come up with. Kisses!
I totally agree. Definitely need to find good fragrance so your man can turn you on. Next time though, bring your own fragrance spray and each time they spray at you, spray back at them. You know, just for fun.
Drakar, welcome to the dark side. I swear, what (cool) boy didn’t shower in that stuff back in high school? And honestly, it has definitely set the tone for expectations today. I bet perfume counter freaks shake when they see ladies in their 30’s heading their way. Nooooo, the Drakar graduates are coming to get me!!! No wonder they act a little wonky around us.
I think, for a truly stand-out father such as Crissy’s Pimp, you shoulda gone with the first grill. Just my opinion.
I always get disappointed when I don’t get to see Crazy Lady Tits.
They’re the best kind.
Marie- I thought of that too and I just might do it.
Nilsa- I know right? Not much can compete with that stuff. Tell me though, is it uncool to still wear it because nothing does it for me like Drakkar does, but I just don’t want poor Mister to smell like a dork.
Dingo- I tried to convince him, but he said he’s not cool enough to carry it off. Whatever.
Chris- Are they? I’ve never seen any.
I wrote this on Chris’s blog and I’ll write it here — I love the way boys smell the morning after a long night in a bar. I’m not kidding.
But the Drakkar, oh my god, it was junior high for me and that stuff was like phermones. Except when one boy broke with the pack and went with Obsession. Oh dear, that guy was the mac daddy.
Drakkar? Obsession? What year is this 1983?
also..you should have bout some “Rolo” smells just like Polo for 1/4 of the price!
I am mesmerized by the grill so it is difficult to type. Cooking outdoors is very manly. Nobody even bothers to cook anything out of doors that is not uber-masculine. Nobody makes a butternut squash casserole on their grill. Ever! And if everything works out just right, by the end of a long, hard day of cooking manly foods out of doors, you smell like balls and pot and beer and barbeque. That must be what god smells like.
You were totally a sex pistol in your prom uniform. The dude is obviously thinking, “Hurry up and take the friggin picture so I can get me summa this!”
Melissa- Yeah, that smell sort of just wants me to throw him in the shower and not in a fun way.
rs27- 1991 thank you very much.
rs27- 1/4 price AND it comes with a free skin rash!
stoogepie- Why thank you. He got plenty. God I was such a whore for that boy.
Yes. Yes they are.
I have nothing to add to this conversation because I don’t have a sense of smell. Seriously, I can’t smell anything…well, it has to be really really strong for me to smell it.
hey, i don’t mind you being a whore for your first BF, as long as you’re a much dirtier one for me.
call me progressive.
Personally, I’d have no problem if the Mister wore a little (or a lot) Drakar. The question you must ask yourself is whether you prefer the preens hanging all over him and ooogling because he’s all juiced up??!!
Chris- I’ll take your word for it until I can get lucky myself.
Megkathleen- LUCKY! Most stuff stinks. You’re not missing anything.
Neth- You got the better deal.
Nilsa- I think I might buy him some and see if we can bring it back! Everything else from our childhood is back so why not that too? And it’s ok if the girls hang all over him. He’s still old enough to be their daddy.
“think it don’t say it”…hmm…I think I’m much more of a “say it, don’t think about it and then possibly regret it later” kinda gal…
that’s why I keep you my bff–you ARE my frontal lobe.
I have the worst hangover ever. I feel like I did a kilo of coke last night but I did not.
Anyway, I bet Melissa would think I smell delicious.
You know what’s AWFUL? That new Axe stuff. The commercial convinces every high schooler who has no brain that some scent is going to get girls to rip off their clothes. I have a bunch of high school interns at my office and they all wear it. You have to walk through the room actually cutting the air of the scent. It’s painful.
In other news. the scent you got for your husband is quite nice. Good job!
Rach- Yeah. You just let it fly. That’s why I love you.
Kiala- I’m sorry about the hangover. That sucks. Enjoy your diet coke and nachos.
Lauren- Ugh! Axe. I know. And thank you. It was the only one that came even close for me.
Ha! I did have three diet cokes already. But no nachos. I’m having a salad.
Dane wears axe deoderant. I like it. I’m retarded.
Shopping for cologne is tough. Ultimately, my goal is to find a scent that, make women drool- in a non-hungry-but-horny type of way. Since I am a man and have NO idea what women like to smell, it becomes trial and error. I wish someone would let me in on the secret. Just once. I wont tell. Promise