Shut Up Beach

The first two days of our vacation were glorious sunny days and the Crissys decided to go to the beach on both days because normally when the Crissys go on vacation it rains the entire time and also Crissy has her period and/or a cold flu typhoid fever and it’s just the most miserable thing ever. But this time there was sun, no cold flu typhoid fever and just the period to contend with so things were looking good and we wanted to take full advantage of the sunshine before it found out we were on vacation.

The first day we went was so nice and Girlfriend met some little friends named Dave and E something, Ella or Emma maybe? Crissy can’t remember and their mother was lovely and we played with bubbles and shared toys and had fun. Mister tried to fly a Kite with Girlfriend but The Man came and shut it down.

There’s no kite flying or ball playing on the beach.

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What the Fuck is that shit about? There’s no one else on the beach!

And so I told the young lifeguard that Pamela Anderson just ran that way and that she said she wanted to show him her whistle and he was off to find her.

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College age boys can be so dumb sometimes.

The second day our friend Kendra came with us and Mister set up the self timer on the camera:

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And we built sand castles:

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I made a hat.

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Shut.up. It does so look like a hat! Everyone laughed at it, but I think it looks quite nice actually.

And then Girlfriend found another little friend named Susie and I forgot to tell you internet about another sort of mom that makes me want to shank a bitch. It’s not the birth story kind of mom, it’s the one upper kind of mom. These two types are not at all mutually exclusive and I’m sure that this mom would have told me her birth story had my husband not been there. They almost never give the history of the vagina and uterus in front of husbands which is why I try to take Mister to the playground as often as I can.

But within the first five minutes of conversation this mom found a way to let us know that her little precious has been potty trained since she was 18 months old and OH! the horror trying to find clothes that fit her because everything her size is made to be worn with a bulky diaper underneath and it’s. so. hard. being. her. and they live two blocks away from the beach and they walk over every day with little precious losing her pants the whole time.

Boo fucking hoo.

When faced with the one upper I’m always tempted to go one downer and just be all like “oh, yeah, I know what you mean. Finding clothes for the baby is so hard because when you live in a women’s shelter like we do you have to take whatever people give you. But it will all change soon because we’re getting the paternity test back any day now and we’ll find out who her father is we can get some child support and I’ve been cured off the Wild Turkey for a whole 8 days now ever since the judge said they’d take my kid away if I didn’t quit drinking and giving blow jobs to random strangers at bars…”

But I didn’t have to do anything like that because Girlfriend decided she did not like these people and dumped a bucket of icy cold salt water on the kid and after being half heartedly scolded for it by me she turned around and dumped another bucket on the mother.

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I tried not to high five her in front of the woman because that would have been rude and “don’t be rude” is my motto.

So we left the beach after that and went to The Atlantic Beach Club where we had clam cakes and chowder and enjoyed ourselves immensely and Girlfriend was very into being a snotty beach club lady.

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And the day the weather was total crap so we skipped the beach and went to Flo’s Clam Shack where George, Girlfriend’s new Sock Monkey who was a gift from Kendra, enjoyed some fish and chips with slaw.

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Little did we know that the rest of the week it would continue to rain and wind and be cold because the Crissys bring bad weather and pestilence wherever they go.

We also bring bail money and plenty of sex lube, but that’s a story for another blog.

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26 comments

  1. Don’t you need the sex lube for the time spent in the slammer before the bail is processed? Seems obvious to me…

    just sayin’.

  2. Rach- Well, duh!

    Alexa- It does hurt after a bit.

    Neth- Exaclty. I’m totally going to start doing that and I’ll need you to video people’s reactions for the Internet.

  3. I think you should follow up the one downer story by pulling out a flask and taking a swig and telling the one-upper mommy you’ll offer her your body if she promises not to tell the court.

  4. Look at the happy family!

    Okay. As for the post:

    I really think you have a career ahead of you as a Professional Sand Hat Builder. I know some people who are already pretty high up, so if you want, I could put in a good word for you.

  5. i love that t-shirt more and more every time i see it. do you think ken would sell it to me?

    also, its nice to see that gf is learning at an early age to not tolerate bitches. give her a high-five for me.

  6. frankly i am suprised no one else has commented on picture 4 – And we built sand castles

    Juicy???!!!!????

    Thats something i really dont want to see on a guy…really now….

    on a side note, am i the only one who thinks that some women really should NOT have words like “HOT” on their ass??

  7. Girlfriend kind of looks like Olivia from the cosby Show in the picture where she’s wearing a hat.

    Except the whole being black thing.

  8. Denise- She so does have the look.

    Dingo- I told him it was too fast! He never listens.

    Neth- that’s much better. I told you the gif was too fast!

    Megan- That’s fantastic!

    Chris- I also make a very realistic sand penis. Should I add that to my resume?

    Ashley- You’d have to pry it from his cold dead hands. It would be perfect for your parade though wouldn’t it?

    Aznman- YOU WIN!! I was hoping someone would see that! And I don’t think ANYONE should have ANYTHING written on their asses. EVER.

    rs27- It’s funny you say that because sometimes I look at her and think the same thing.

  9. Oh, the one downer is genius. I’m going to print that up on an index card and laminate it and then pull it out when the Urban Mamas need to edumacate me on composting and shit.

  10. chris gets funniest comment award of the day.

    professional sand hat builder….who knew it was so desirable that even in NYC they need them!

  11. Dingo- We aim to please.

    Lauren- Being a one downer is a fun and creative way to entertain yourself while talking to assholes. It’s true.

    Melissa- I think it can be very useful for you.

    Rach- If you think that’s funny, see what he said about the seagull on Ken’s blog.

  12. You live in New England, right? And you vacayed there, too, right? So, isn’t it supposed to be called CHOWDAH? What’s this “er” business. I thought that was lost on all you people.

  13. Megkathleen- I didn’t teach her a thing. She was born with that attitude.

    Nilsa- Yah, It’s chowda. I try to class it up for the internet.

  14. Boy, it is so good hubby was there with the one-upper wearing his Juicy-ass shorts. I mean, the birth stories from a one-upper have to be pretty gruesome. “My water didn’t break. It stayed perfectly intact and, as a matter of fact, we bronzed it and put it on the mantle. Still, for a whole month before delivery I could hear the baby already speaking in complete sentences through the womb….”

    You know, the one-upper is also a pretty vicious species of cock-blocker, so I completely empathize.

  15. okay, so I’m just putting this out there…since you NEVER leave RI (except maybe for Attleboro), I think maybe WE should be invited next year on your vacation.

    *hint, hint*

  16. Wow! Loved your one downer scenario. You can get more down than that…just tell the truth about growing up. That’s ‘ll do nicely.

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