Worship Me If You Must

I was supposed to write about the beach today but it’s going to have to wait for tomorrow because I have to tell you what happened to me yesterday.

I am the balls and the shaft for this one.

Check it:

I was out in the backyard in our gazebo on the computer writing a comment on Kiala’s blog when I heard someone who sounded like a teenage boy yelling “Help! Help! Please! Help!”

It was coming from the pond behind our house. At first I ignored it because you know how these damn kids are always doing their tomfoolery and trying to drown each other and shoot each other and set their freinds on fire and what not so I didn’t think anything of it because there’s always kids playing and screaming back there and I just kept on with my commenting and the screaming continued and it sounded sort of desperate to me, like how I sound when I need another glass of wine and cannot get off the couch to get it.

So I said to myself “hottie, (that’s what I call me when we’re alone together) you should do something.” And then I did the kind of thing that only a hero like myself would do. I phoned the police and told them I could hear desperate screams coming from the pond but I was stymied by the dense trees and such so I wasn’t sure if someone was joking or not and that they should probably check it out just to be sure.

And about three minutes later The Man was at my door trying to get a visual on the screamer and I was a little panicked at this because Girlfriend was running around naked because it was 100 degrees and wicked humid and also because I didn’t know if Mister had planted any very special plants and didn’t tell me and now the 5-0 are running all over the joint (no pun intended).

Oh, and was that Mr. Police Man ever a hunka burnin’ love in uniform and aviator sunglasses.

I know most cops are total dicks, but I love that about them.

huhuhuhuhuhuhuh….I am a very, very bad girl officer.

I need correction…

Yes. Please.


What was I talking about?

Oh yes, so Mr. Man refused my offer to come inside for a nice tall glass of me was unable to get a visual on the screamer but that was ok because he said the Fire Department on the opposite side of the pond was looking around too. And then I heard firetrucks and rescue on the next street over from me but I couldn’t see a damn thing because of all these fucking leaves on the trees, the very same leaves I couldn’t wait to see three weeks ago were now blocking my view of the exciting events and then the trucks left and I felt sad because they didn’t find the screamer and I hoped he wasn’t dead because people drowning in my back yard ruins my buzz I care deeply about the welfare of others.

But thankfully Officer Dreamy Mc Hot returned to tell me that I had saved a 15 year old boy’s life. He was about 80 feet out into the pond when he started to drown and if Girlfriend and I hadn’t been the only two assholes outside in 100 degree weather and called the Po Po he would have died and no one would have known.

That’s right people.

Your Crissy is a hero!

I’m sitting in my window right now waiting for them to come with the balloons and the Channel 10 News and the flowers and then carry me on their shoulders to the parade that will be held in my honor with fireworks and hot dogs for everyone to enjoy and I’ll autograph life vests and they will make me Queen of Fucking Everything and the whole town will be mine for the taking.

I’m sure they’ll be here any second.

Similar Posts:


  1. That’s pretty awesome! Def. clip out the article in the paper that described your awesome act of heroism and have it framed. Because you know that will hit the front page.

    Then demand the boy give you all of his allowance for the rest of his life. I think that’s will do for repayment.

  2. So, does that mean you’ll come play lifeguard at my wedding? Because I’m quite certain there will be at least one incident of a guest drowning in a bottle of vodka.

  3. Rach- The poor kid must have been terrified. His voice was cracking and everything.

    Leah- I think the kid owes me at least that!

    saratogajean- Thank you! I could use some good karma.

    Nilsa- And that guest would be me. Sorry. You’re going to have to get another lifeguard. 😉

  4. Holy canoli Ms. Crissy! Good for you! Would you mind giving a shout out to all your bloggy friends when channel 10 arrives for an interview? Kthhx.

  5. i can just see the headline now – local woman saves boy, becomes queen of everything, tonight at 11.

    que music

    did you ever know that you’re my herooooo

  6. Dingo- White Castle. No question.

    Marie- Of course! I’d never neglect you guys.

    Ashley- I was thinking more along the lines of “I need a hero! I’m holding out for a hero to till the end of the night…” Yours is great too.

    Arielle- Yes! Please! We also have a 70’s lounge room with a pull out sofa and a bar. Bow chica bow wow…

    Megan- He’d better.

    Leah- I fixed it. Sorry for the bad link.

    Joy- I will totally own that prom! Yessss!

  7. That’s awesome!

    And just so you know, if the feds ever do try and hem you and Ken up for his Special Plants, we will totally put you guys up in our apartment until the coast is clear.

    I’ll even buy a gun.

  8. well it looks like i’m going to be picking up a cop costume on the way home from work today.

    of course instead of a real gun i shall get a squirt gun and fill it with lube, and instead of a real nightstick i shall get a 12″ black rubber dildo.

    thank god i already have the handcuffs.

  9. Glad everything worked out ok. But a word to anyone who is near someone drowning. You may not have time to go call the police, it might be better to actually go see and possibly swim out to assist the poor guy. I am just saying…

  10. Chris- You’ve got a pretty heavy gangsta fantasy going don’t you?

    Melissa- Yeah. That kind of would wouldn’t it?

    Shelly- I hereby announce that Shelly is Queen of Fucking Everything. I know how to share.

    Neth- Oh can you please? Please? Except for the large dildo part.

    brewcaster- I couldn’t even see him and he was 80 feet out and I had a toddler with me. Calling the police was all I could do to help him. But yes, if I could have I would have tried to go and get him. Time is of the essence in a situation like that.

  11. Woot Crissy!!!!!

    Also, you and Ken and the cute kid can all come to Oregon and get a special medical card for your anxiety so you can grow special plants here with impunity.

    Did I use that word right?

  12. Wait calling the cops makes you a hero? That means that dog that dialed 911 is a hero too. The only dog worthy of being a hero is Underdog.

    But seriously you’re a hero, I shall call you…Phone Dialing Woman!

  13. Jim- You know that if he had needed blood I would have been right there for him.

    Kiala- You’re a hero too because if your post was any longer I wouldn’t have called the police as soon as I did and who knows what could have happened? So HOORAY KIALA!!!

    Denise- I would NEVER try to steal your crown. There’s plenty of room for us all.

    Megkathleen- I almost yelled “shut up kids!” Melvin Udall style from As Good As it Gets. Don’t tell anybody.

    stoogepie- Maybe they would. I don’t know. The cops around here are pretty bored and bust balls a lot. My husband got 7 tickets at once and most of them were just stuff the cop made up.

    rs27- Should I make a video?

    Lauren- Yay! Wait. No. I’m scared of balloons. Maybe they should bring wine instead.

    Angela- Oh, well of course a date would have been nice, but my husband would prefer the parade.

    Morgy- I know, right?

  14. Well done, Crissy! You’re a good listener to discern kids kidding around and a kid trying to drown himself, yet changing his mind. Mommy’s proud.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *