I was supposed to write about the beach today but it’s going to have to wait for tomorrow because I have to tell you what happened to me yesterday.
I am the balls and the shaft for this one.
I was out in the backyard in our gazebo on the computer writing a comment on Kiala’s blog when I heard someone who sounded like a teenage boy yelling “Help! Help! Please! Help!”
It was coming from the pond behind our house. At first I ignored it because you know how these damn kids are always doing their tomfoolery and trying to drown each other and shoot each other and set their freinds on fire and what not so I didn’t think anything of it because there’s always kids playing and screaming back there and I just kept on with my commenting and the screaming continued and it sounded sort of desperate to me, like how I sound when I need another glass of wine and cannot get off the couch to get it.
So I said to myself “hottie, (that’s what I call me when we’re alone together) you should do something.” And then I did the kind of thing that only a hero like myself would do. I phoned the police and told them I could hear desperate screams coming from the pond but I was stymied by the dense trees and such so I wasn’t sure if someone was joking or not and that they should probably check it out just to be sure.
And about three minutes later The Man was at my door trying to get a visual on the screamer and I was a little panicked at this because Girlfriend was running around naked because it was 100 degrees and wicked humid and also because I didn’t know if Mister had planted any very special plants and didn’t tell me and now the 5-0 are running all over the joint (no pun intended).
Oh, and was that Mr. Police Man ever a hunka burnin’ love in uniform and aviator sunglasses.
I know most cops are total dicks, but I love that about them.
huhuhuhuhuhuhuh….I am a very, very bad girl officer.
I need correction…
What was I talking about?
Oh yes, so Mr. Man refused my offer to come inside for a nice tall glass of me was unable to get a visual on the screamer but that was ok because he said the Fire Department on the opposite side of the pond was looking around too. And then I heard firetrucks and rescue on the next street over from me but I couldn’t see a damn thing because of all these fucking leaves on the trees, the very same leaves I couldn’t wait to see three weeks ago were now blocking my view of the exciting events and then the trucks left and I felt sad because they didn’t find the screamer and I hoped he wasn’t dead because people drowning in my back yard ruins my buzz I care deeply about the welfare of others.
But thankfully Officer Dreamy Mc Hot returned to tell me that I had saved a 15 year old boy’s life. He was about 80 feet out into the pond when he started to drown and if Girlfriend and I hadn’t been the only two assholes outside in 100 degree weather and called the Po Po he would have died and no one would have known.
That’s right people.
Your Crissy is a hero!
I’m sitting in my window right now waiting for them to come with the balloons and the Channel 10 News and the flowers and then carry me on their shoulders to the parade that will be held in my honor with fireworks and hot dogs for everyone to enjoy and I’ll autograph life vests and they will make me Queen of Fucking Everything and the whole town will be mine for the taking.
I’m sure they’ll be here any second.