On the second day we were there I made my debut at the pool.
I look totally pregnant when I’m under water:
And my ass was still scalded and I looked something like this:
or at least like I had just received a very firm spanking, but I didn’t care because I was on vacation and everyone can suck it if they don’t like my ass and besides. This pool had the usual assortment of freaks on parade so I think my ass was one of the least offensive things to look at. I mean what would a resort pool be if it wasn’t full of little kids, hygenically challenged foreign people, huge fat hairy guys that look like they’re wearing sweaters even though they’re not, people with suspicious looking skin conditions, and old people with melty skin and dangly parts held precariously inside ill fitting bathing suits?
It wouldn’t be a resort pool, that’s what.
But I go because I have a little kid and they love the pool like dogs love bunny shit. So Girlfriend swam happily around, gaining confidence with her swimmies, and I tried not to think about all the armpits and assholes in there with me was minding my own business while being splashed in the eyes with the pee pee dysentery sulfuric acid pool water and getting repeatedly whacked in the face by a kid thrashing around with one of those flotation noodle thingys who Girlfriend was all over like white on rice so there was no escaping the little fucker when I turned my head to avoid yet another noodle assault and what do my precious, precious, delicate virgin eyes fall upon only a scant inch or two away?
OLD.
BALLS.
Blech!
Some old dude in a plaid bathing suit was sitting on the edge of the pool just inches away from my face with his legs spread open, and his Old Balls dangling out from the leg of his suit. I tried splashing my eyes with the sulfuric pool water to try and burn the image away, but no.
It was too late.
I couldn’t un-see it.
The image haunted me for the better part of our vacation and I think I may need a quick trip to my therapist to maybe EMDR the shit away. Or even a few hits of Haldol.
We’ll see.
But as I commented to Mister later in the day, they weren’t as wrinkly as I thought they’d be, but then again, how much more wrinkly could they possibly get? What made more of an impression was how low they were hanging. I mean, these were knee length “swim trunks” as my grandfather calls them and I understand they ride up a little when you sit down but. still.
That’s a mighty low hanging sack.
I think the poor fellow needed one of these:
On the Serious.
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June 10th, 2008 at 6:25 AM
okay, I totally misread the title and thought this was going to be a fun read about “hackeysacks”.
my eyes are burning now…
June 10th, 2008 at 7:26 AM
Oh. my. god.
Favorites-> Add to Favorites-> Nut Bra
June 10th, 2008 at 9:19 AM
Ahahahahaha!! Laughing too hard to think of smart comment!! Nut bra. Hahahaha!!!
June 10th, 2008 at 9:22 AM
Nut Bras are just a Good Idea in general. Dudes should probably start wearing them while we are young to keep the jewels looking perky. I, for one, would be totally into a Miracle Nut Bra because everyone knows that women get hot for Ball Cleavage. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:24 AM
i can’t think of anything else but “a very firm spanking.”
June 10th, 2008 at 10:35 AM
The sack strap was too damn funny.
How many occasions have been ruined for people by the low sagging sack. It has been a problem ignored for years. We all try to pretend we never saw anything and yet we can never get the image of the sagging sack out of our minds.
Go Nut Bra!
June 10th, 2008 at 11:24 AM
No one, I repeat no one, likes noodle assaults. Well maybe Freddie Mercury did.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:49 AM
rs27 is awesome.
June 10th, 2008 at 11:59 AM
Rach- I’m sorry to disappoint.
Hannah- Ha, ha, ha, ha
Marie- I love the little lacy cups on the bra.
stoogepie- Oh, yes baby. Ball cleavage gets me sooo hot.
Neth- Of course you can’t.
Jim- I know my swimming experience was ruined by the low sack.
rs27- You should have seen it. It was fucking brutal.
Rach- Yes he is. He really, really is.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:21 PM
Clearly, this guy was proud! Otherwise, he wouldn’t have positioned himself for your viewing enjoyment.
Have you ever noticed how the hairiest guys at the pool bar are smiling the most creepily at you? Ew.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:24 PM
@lacochran: All the time, while the hot guy? Nowhere to be found.
WTF?
June 10th, 2008 at 12:37 PM
I don’t think the theme of this week your vacation - I think it’s let’s scare Megan. Because now I’m scared of resort pools. I don’t want to see old man balls! Please, NO!
June 10th, 2008 at 12:58 PM
I’m just jealous of your ability to walk around in public in a bathing suit.
WITH THE SUN ON.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:13 PM
It’s gravity, the poor guy can’t help it.
Remember, something on you is eventually going to start hanging low as well.
June 10th, 2008 at 1:17 PM
You know what sucks? I commented earlier. And it was good. Really good. But the computer sent it into cyberspace. And I’m old and forgetful. There’s no way I’d be nearly so good the second time around.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:14 PM
See, now I’m paranoid and falling into that desperate place I have of “everyone hates me because I’m fat’…..I worry about people thinking I have no business in public in a swimsuit (one-piece with a skirt, thank you)….and that they laugh at me…….and the hairy men? Sometimes men that you don’t THINK are hairy, get that way oh….let’s say…..21 years into the marriage? I suspect he’s wondering where all the hair comes from on ME too………oh dear….do we offend the younger set at the pool?
I’ve seen alot of old balls. My beloved grandpa exercises in his tightie whities. He has my entire life. His tightie whities aren’t so tight anymore in his advanced age (90)…so therefore, there’s alot of ball showing with his deep knee bends……..and he doesn’t give a HOOT who sees his bag……..I guess he figures we won’t look if we don’t want to see it.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:24 PM
Megkathleen- Pools are a scary place. I suggest tequila based drinks to chase the pool boogey man away.
Kiala- The sun was on but only for two days. The rest of the time was 60 and rainy and windy. Does that make you feel better?
Chris- Listen, I feel very badly for the poor guy, and I understand totally that I’m going to go south too, but I think that if you’ve got some serious dangleage, you may need more support in the lined bathing suit department. Just sayin.
Nilsa- It’s gone. It’s not in spam. Sorry sweetie. But I’m laughing my head off just thinking of your comment.
Shelly- I have often times been envious of the ladies in the cute one piece with a skirt. I like them actually. And oh my god! My grandfather is 91 and wouldn’t even be caught dead in shorts, let alone his underpants. He thinks striped pajamas are too racy! Hats off to your grandpa!
June 10th, 2008 at 2:35 PM
I hate Shelley feeling paranoid. I bet that skirt swimsuit’s adorable. It’s what I’d wear if I weren’t mortified of all the rest of me showing.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:40 PM
hey, who wants more pics of crissy in a bathing suit?
June 10th, 2008 at 2:43 PM
Yeah, gramps is one of a kind……if you were ever at his house during exercise time, he’d show off to you too….he doesn’t care……he doesn’t change his routine for ANYONE or ANYTHING…..even my grandma when she was deathly sick, vomiting, etc…….he cancelled HER lunch at the senior center and kept his and LEFT HER AT HOME……He doesn’t let anyone stand in his way.
June 10th, 2008 at 2:51 PM
Megan–I do wear them out in public, when lucky enough to be somewhere with a pool….we never go on vacation….Lake of the Ozarks is 45 minutes away, and we sit in the HOT, BAKING sun on a HOT, BOAT while the kids ski………so rarely does anyone get to see ALL OF ME. But, alas, I must say over the years of wearing jeans all the time, I decided it was CRAP, and began wearing shorts and a swim-suit……(that I got from Barb’s LARGE-N-LOVELY) and thinking to HELL with the world and their standards.
Now, with my mini mid life crisis (either that or the prozac is working) I tend to care a little more about what I look like. My husband isn’t fat, but he does have some body hair, and I am fat, so maybe between the two of us we make up the fat hairy man that Crissy saw at the pool?
Sorry Crissy for answering one of your commenters on YOUR blog………thanks for bearing with me.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:18 PM
I’m sorry to change the direction of this thread but “like dogs like bunny shit?” WTF? If I’d have known this is what you were feeding your dog, I would’ve stolen her from your dog sitter while you were on vacation. Poor pooch!
June 10th, 2008 at 5:11 PM
Didn’t you know? Hanging your sack out is one of the many mating displays of the silverback homo sapiens. Along with sports cars and gold chains!
June 10th, 2008 at 10:47 PM
More pics please!
I’m late today.
I want to say that I’ve done EMDR and that shit works. Like a charm beeotches.