Oh holy hell it’s good to be back!
Crissy had a wonderful vacation and feels hungover and bloated refreshed and happy to be home! Thank you to all my guest bloggers. Everyone was super funny and talk about blog anxiety, I only hope that I can live up to all the funny alla y’all laid down while I was away.
Oh, who am I kidding?
Nobody can put it down like me.
Aannyhooter, welcome to Crissy Bores the Shit Out of the Internet with Stupid Stories About Her Vacation Week!
On the first night of our vacation, after gorging myself on a veggie burger, salad, french fries, chips and dip, and ice cream, Mister told me to stay behind and try out the whirlpool bathtub while he took Girlfriend to check out the pool. So that’s what I did and had I known that I would have such an opportunity I would have brought my own bath stuff but since I didn’t I borrowed Girlfriend’s Organic Tangerine Honeysuckle foaming bath salts with the little seal eating oranges on the package. It smells more like lavender than tangerines to me, but whatev.
So I pour in a good healthy amount of the tangerine-y lavenderish shtuff as the tub filled and then I filled my wine glass with a healthy amount of Savi Blanc.
This was slightly anxiety inducing and I wished I had brought my Klonopin because I’ve never used a whirlpool tub before for fear of electrocution. (I’m also scared of clowns, kites, balloons and the sky but that’s a blog for another day) Moving parts + electricity + water = dead Crissy, just like how bathtub + candles + carefully arranged up-do = Crissy’s hair on fire.
But anyway I’m almost 34 and have never had a whirlpool bath so it’s high time I give it a whirl.
(Get it? Whirlpool. Whirl. HA! Shut up. It’s my first day back, you jackals.)
6:19 pm: Remember how I said the bath was foaming bath? Yeah. well. it foamed as soon as I turned on the jets and I nearly died in a watery grave of tangerine, lavender, whateverthefuck. So I let some water out before I wound up naked and riding a tidal wave of foam down the hallway and we got kicked out of the place in the first hour of being there which is not out of the ordinary for the Crissys at.all. because its not always easy to sneak hookers and blow past the concierge.
I grabbed the package of bath stuff to look for the address where I was determined to send a very, very angry letter containing many very bad words regarding the product’s excessive foaming capabilities and there it was right there for any literate person to read: “do not use in whirlpool tubs due to foaming nature of product.”
6:23pm: I have not been electrocuted yet and if I sit upright in the tub the jets massage my ankle bones, knees, and elbows. Who needs an elbow massage? So far the whirlpool bath can suck it.
6:24 pm: Through strategic positioning my lady business other parts can be reached by jets with only slight risk of slipping under water and drowning.
6:25 pm: Consider enjoying a water experience, if you know what I mean.
6:26 pm: Water experience too dangerous. Drowning by way of whirlpool tub masturbation is an embarrassing way to die.
6:26.5 pm: Bored. A bath always seems like a good idea until I get in there and then it’s just like tick. tock.
6:26.8 pm: Consider rubbing one out to pass the time instead.
6:27 pm: Can’t rub one out because I am on vacation and if I take care of business that leaves Mister to spank it in the shower with only a play through and that’s not nice because we are on vacation and for some reason vacations mean I am expected to put out.
Who made that rule anyway?
It’s a stupid rule.
6:28 pm: Run out of wine. Feel sad.
6:29.5 pm: Consider how electrocution would at least be more entertaining than sitting there with no wine and jets of water now threatening to puncture my lungs.
6:30 pm: Begin to feel a little woozy due to rapid wine consumption extremely hot water.
6:31 pm: Emerge from tub feeling sort of weird.
6:31.5 pm: Catch myself in the mirror and notice that I have scalded my ass and thighs and now look like a burned Thanksgiving turkey just in time to make my debut at the pool the following day all red and blotchy already.
So I’m going to have to give the whirlpool bathtub a thumbs down.
I think I’d rather be electrocuted.