Hot and Wet and Foamy All Over

Oh holy hell it’s good to be back!

Crissy had a wonderful vacation and feels hungover and bloated refreshed and happy to be home! Thank you to all my guest bloggers. Everyone was super funny and talk about blog anxiety, I only hope that I can live up to all the funny alla y’all laid down while I was away.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Nobody can put it down like me.

Aannyhooter, welcome to Crissy Bores the Shit Out of the Internet with Stupid Stories About Her Vacation Week!

Yessss!!!!!

On the first night of our vacation, after gorging myself on a veggie burger, salad, french fries, chips and dip, and ice cream, Mister told me to stay behind and try out the whirlpool bathtub while he took Girlfriend to check out the pool. So that’s what I did and had I known that I would have such an opportunity I would have brought my own bath stuff but since I didn’t I borrowed Girlfriend’s Organic Tangerine Honeysuckle foaming bath salts with the little seal eating oranges on the package. It smells more like lavender than tangerines to me, but whatev.

So I pour in a good healthy amount of the tangerine-y lavenderish shtuff as the tub filled and then I filled my wine glass with a healthy amount of Savi Blanc.

This was slightly anxiety inducing and I wished I had brought my Klonopin because I’ve never used a whirlpool tub before for fear of electrocution. (I’m also scared of clowns, kites, balloons and the sky but that’s a blog for another day) Moving parts + electricity + water = dead Crissy, just like how bathtub + candles + carefully arranged up-do = Crissy’s hair on fire.

But anyway I’m almost 34 and have never had a whirlpool bath so it’s high time I give it a whirl.

(Get it? Whirlpool. Whirl. HA! Shut up. It’s my first day back, you jackals.)

6:19 pm: Remember how I said the bath was foaming bath? Yeah. well. it foamed as soon as I turned on the jets and I nearly died in a watery grave of tangerine, lavender, whateverthefuck. So I let some water out before I wound up naked and riding a tidal wave of foam down the hallway and we got kicked out of the place in the first hour of being there which is not out of the ordinary for the Crissys at.all. because its not always easy to sneak hookers and blow past the concierge.

I grabbed the package of bath stuff to look for the address where I was determined to send a very, very angry letter containing many very bad words regarding the product’s excessive foaming capabilities and there it was right there for any literate person to read: “do not use in whirlpool tubs due to foaming nature of product.”

Oh.

6:23pm: I have not been electrocuted yet and if I sit upright in the tub the jets massage my ankle bones, knees, and elbows. Who needs an elbow massage? So far the whirlpool bath can suck it.

6:24 pm: Through strategic positioning my lady business other parts can be reached by jets with only slight risk of slipping under water and drowning.

6:25 pm: Consider enjoying a water experience, if you know what I mean.

6:26 pm: Water experience too dangerous. Drowning by way of whirlpool tub masturbation is an embarrassing way to die.

6:26.5 pm: Bored. A bath always seems like a good idea until I get in there and then it’s just like tick. tock.

6:26.8 pm: Consider rubbing one out to pass the time instead.

6:27 pm: Can’t rub one out because I am on vacation and if I take care of business that leaves Mister to spank it in the shower with only a play through and that’s not nice because we are on vacation and for some reason vacations mean I am expected to put out.

Who made that rule anyway?

It’s a stupid rule.

6:28 pm: Run out of wine. Feel sad.

6:29.5 pm: Consider how electrocution would at least be more entertaining than sitting there with no wine and jets of water now threatening to puncture my lungs.

6:30 pm: Begin to feel a little woozy due to rapid wine consumption extremely hot water.

6:31 pm: Emerge from tub feeling sort of weird.

6:31.5 pm: Catch myself in the mirror and notice that I have scalded my ass and thighs and now look like a burned Thanksgiving turkey just in time to make my debut at the pool the following day all red and blotchy already.

Sweet.

So I’m going to have to give the whirlpool bathtub a thumbs down.

I think I’d rather be electrocuted.

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28 comments

  1. No more immersing in water for Crissy. Please stick to Ken’s version of “slip ‘n’ slide” in your backyard!

    ps: I’m glad you’re back! 😉

  2. Welcome back, long lost twin, or soul mate or whatever……I don’t like whirlpools much either. When I was about 16, I was at our local Raquet Club (gym) and sat in a whirlpool talking to who I THOUGHT was a totally cool, hip ADULT……and sat in there for WAAYYYY too long, and blacked out from the heat (after I got out). Who KNEW?

    I also don’t like massages—it creeps me out and makes me TENSE……and massages aren’t intended to make one TENSE, so I avoid them….unless it is a husband-assage…..those are fine. Except then I’m expected to reciprocate either by a massage for HIM, or…..well…….you know……sex. **SIGH**

    Why does it have to be so COMPLICATED?

    Glad you are home and enjoyed yourself….

  3. You’re back! Yeah!!! Don’t ever go away again. Or at least take me with you.

    I did notice that in addition to that healthy VEGGIE BURGER you ordered other healthy food. Like FRENCH FRIES and CHIPS and DIP and ICE CREAM.

    I love vacation calories. They so totally don’t count. And I’m sure the whirlpool experience sandblasted any additional calories right off your bright pink ass. Am I right?

  4. Yeah for vacations! Hope you had a really great time and I look forward to hearing all about your adventures this week!

    I’m with ya on the whirlpool tub action seeming better than it actually is. My parents had one at home and it was used at a clothes dryer 99.9% of the time.

    And yes, Crissy, you are a winner. Of course, YOU are a winner.

  5. Okay, I really thought this post was going to end in masturbation. And I was very excited for this. Because I too am on vacation and yet, without a significant other and staying at my mother in laws house and sleeping in the same room as a two year old and oh sweet lord am I desperate.

    Too much for the internet, wasn’t it.

  6. melissa needs to email Ken directly…I’m sure he’ll have some sort of masturbatory aids right on his hard drive for her.

    get it? hard drive. 😉

  7. i am just disappointed that i didn’t have a chance to break in every surface of that condo with you, wifey… 😉 last year’s foray on the couch was legendary!

    (if you want details, email me, mel.)

  8. Rach- I know right? No more baths for me.

    Shelly- Ah yes, the internal massage. My husband’s favorite.

    Nilsa- Yay! I knew you’d pick that one!

    Melissa- Kenny will hook you up. Totally.

    Rach- Hard drive. Are you up for happy hour tonight or is your J-O-B going to get in the way?

    Neth- Would you believe now that we’re home I’m actually dying for it? Sorry.

    Joy- Fuck the people at work. You laugh loud and proud. They’re just jealous.

    Denise- I can turn anything into a panic attack. ANYTHING.

  9. that was hilariously entertaining. im with you with the bath/whirlpool always “think” it is going to be a good idea then you are so right, tick tock. blah blah blah.

    it is boring, UNLESS you have a playmate.

  10. Dingo- Sorry you went into moderation. I don’t know why that keeps happening! Shit.

    Alexa- Yeah, baths are boring. It’s taken me a long time to realize that.

    Megan- You don’t like them either? I’m glad because I was starting to not feel like a real girl.

  11. Women are expected to put out on vacations for the simple reason that you are Somewhere Different.

    Us guys think, “Hey, this isn’t our couch, we should have sex on it!”

    And that’s about the extent of it.

  12. See, the problem is I HAVE NO PRIVACY. So I’m just sitting here with my legs crossed extra tight because when the next semi-cute boy looks at me I’m going to come right there because jeezus.

    Right, did I blog that I could have sex every single day and that would be fine. And it hasn’t happened every single day for a while and for fuck’s sake. What the hell????

    I might die.

  13. I have never experienced a whirlpool tub either. I never would have thought to be afraid of electrocution by one either…but now I am. Afraid that is. I’m very afraid.

  14. Hi Crissy! I’m so glad you’re back! I missed you! No more vacations for you!

    You should be glad that you did not use the whirlpool jets to enjoy a tingly water experience. That could have been a pretty painful scene, considering that you fried your ass and your thighs on those jets. The You-Must-Put-Out-On-Vacation Rule saved your ass (well, not literally your ass, but close) once again. And you wonder why there is such a rule?

    I’m sure that, at the pool the next day, all the other hotel guests simply thought you had friction-burned your ass and thighs thanks to all the scorching sex. See, the You-Must-Put-Out-On-Vacation Rule also provides handy excuses for sunburn patches, messy hair, wrinkled clothing, smeared and runny makeup, and broken hotel furniture as well. It’s a very useful rule. Everyone should respect it. It should actually be The Law.

  15. hmmm.

    i think i need to find a kiala wig and karaoke machine for kristen now.

    and melissa, for god’s sake, get the poison out already. it sounds like you’re right on the precipice, in which case it’ll be less than a minute.

    wifey, your timing sucks.

  16. I have never understood baths. I mean, you are basically sitting in your own filth. And if you rent a very old apartment, as I do, you are likely sitting in countless other people’s filth as well.

  17. Chris- And what’s really gross is you’re having sex on a couch that a whole bunch of other people did too. Icky.

    Melissa- EVERY DAY? Are you really a girl?

    Kiala- Fine with me. Keep and enjoy.

    rs27- Were you pouning your chest with your fists when you said that?

    Megkathleen- They make you dizzy.

    Dingo- Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

    Stoogepie- I will never leave again. Promise.

    Neth- I know.

    Melissa- Because you have the sex drive of a dude.

    Arielle- Yeah, Rachel says the same thing but I just wonder how much filth do you guys think you have on you? I mean, does the water turn grey?

  18. This Crissy and Melissa conversation should be taped and sold, at least on one of those phone in porn lines. But the whirlpool – I thought all girls ‘enjoyed’ those? Oh well, learning too much from the internets.

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