the biggest predicament you’ve ever seen

Hi.

I’m Chris and I usually write at my site, surviving myself, but because Kristen is on vacation and Nice and maybe felt bad for me because I have no life, she gave me the honor of guest posting here today.

Kristen always goes on and on about being a woman and how women have Lots To Deal With like having a baby and blah, blah, blah, so I thought I’d take this chance to explain what problems men have.

Or more specifically, what problems I have.

I can’t piss under pressure.

It’s a terrible problem.

You think having a child is hard?

Please.

Try walking to the bathroom, having to pee so bad that maybe you’re thinking about just going in your pants a little instead, only to have someone walk in and stand right next to you and because of the presence of this Foreign Penis about a foot away from you, you can’t do it.

This happens to me all the time.

I really can’t do it.

When I’m on line at a game or a concert, I have to pray to the Bathroom Gods that I get a stall because there is no way Little Chris (he’s not little really, that’s just a funny name, like when you call someone “little” even though they are HUGE) is going to perform his duty.

No way, no how. Not going to happen.

So I have to retract my man and then withdraw into the masses clouded in shame.

But that’s neglecting the most frustrating part of My Condition – the acting.

I have to sit there and act like I’m pissing, even though I’m not.

I give it a minute.

Maybe flush the urinal to cover the lack of pissing sounds on my part.

Look around a little. But not too much.

Then give a fake shake and zip up, all without actually accomplishing my only goal: To relieve myself into a porcelain receptacle which may or may not have one of those little blue smelly things at the bottom.

It’s all very embarrassing.

But this is what I must deal with everyday of my life.

Living on The Edge, never knowing if I will actually be able to piss when I get to the bathroom, or if I’ll merely pretend to piss and then leave a broken, shell of a man.

And, by the way, it is big – I was just joking about all that Little Chris stuff.

Really, it’s huge.

It is.

I swear!

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23 comments

  1. Isn’t there also some sort of weird etiquette in positioning yourself in the men’s room–like the 1st person in goes to the furthest urinal from the door, the 2nd the furthest from the 1st person but not directly near the door, the 3rd in the middle of the other two, so that in NO WAY does anyone stand right next to each other or closest to the door (unless there’s some sort of emergency, or half-time is about to be over)…

    Girl’s have it much easier–we just need to go together.

  2. First of all, I do miss Crissy, but this post actually cracked me up!

    And I’m guessing childbirth is still a lot more painful. You should try ducking into the girl’s bathroom sometime if there are no stalls in the men’s.

  3. i will give you that it’s weird standing next to some guy with his thing out while trying to piss. however, i sit in a stall and i still get stage fright if there’s someone next to me. there’s just something about sitting next to or standing next to someone else while using the bathroom…it’s just…wrong.

  4. One time, I was at a strip club and there were all these nice strippers in the ladies room waiting for me to do my business and I just couldn’t.

    My vagina was too intimidated.

  5. Wow! Dude it’s THAT bad?!? You should seek professional help for this… not cool for your prostate… not cool at all! I’ll keep you in my thoughts and hope one day you can overcome this terrible affliction.

  6. Should I comment back? Kristen? Should I?

    okay – yes.

    rachel – Yes there is definetly bathroom etiquette. Without it we’re all just a bunch of savages!!!

    marie – Thanks! And I would do that, but I think I might get too comfortable and end up staying too long. I imagine women’s bathrooms are like heaven, with nice little couches and smelly perfumes.

    ashley – Wow – you have it worse than me. We are both in trouble.

    brewcaster – Brilliant!

    kiala – Strippers do have some tough vaginas, don’t they?

    lynne – Yeah, neither do I sometimes. Seinfeld quotes are ALWAYS encouraged. Even if Kristen says no. I say yes.

    rs – Why? I don’t really get it.

  7. Have you seen “Waiting?” Guy suddenly couldn’t pee at a urinal because of an incident involving another dude staring, hard, at his member in a public restroom. I think that was it.

    Anyway, his solution was the picture all of his friends surrounding him at the urinal, cheering him on.

    I’m not sure how that would help much.

  8. hmm only 9 comments…

    not a good thing for the guest blogger…

    do we get to vote at the end of the week to see who gets invited back?

    anyway, when i think of performance anxiety, i think of the mens bathrooms at fenway park a few years back. there was no urinal. there was a long trough…and there were no dividers so theres gonna be some elbow bumping too…i think many of the old sports stadiums were like this…blech

  9. You know, Crissy never writes about pissing in urinals, although I’m sure she has some good stories to tell.

    I think this is like stagefright and you can get over it. You just need to conquer the urinal. Maybe you should go out with friends and ask them to pee next to you. Maybe you can get a couple of urinals installed in your bathroom and invite guests over to pee beside you. Just suggestions….

  10. lauren – At least that’s the case for me. Which may not say that much for me.

    aznman – Only if the writers get to pick which readers come back.

    stoogepie – I appreciate the suggestions. I think my friends might not though.

  11. At the Portland downtown Nordstrom, the doors swing all the way shut when unoccupied, so people have to give them a push to see if they’re free, or some people opt for peeking in between the cracks in the door. Completely impossible to pee there.

  12. ha. oh lord chris. when i first started reading this is was all TMI TMI TMI! then i continued and ended up laughing at my laptop.

    i’ll go ahead and count this post as a win.

  13. I totally followed you over here. creepy, no?

    no way. ive seen guys pee on other guys while that other guy is peeing. theres not such thing as a man that cant pee under pressure.

    YOU ARE NOT A MAN.

  14. For some reason I can’t pee in moving vehicles. And, NO, I am not talking about my car. I can never pee on planes or trains or buses or boats. It’s completely impossible.

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