I’m going to try and make this post funny or at least mildly amusing but I can’t make any promises as my fiber intake yesterday was, ahem, ambitious and today I’m having some issues.
When you’re old like I am now you have to pay attention to your colon but you should never eat Kashi Good Friends with strawberries for breakfast, Corn and spinach salad for lunch, watermelon, plums, peaches, and All Bran crackers for snack, and then lentil burgers with spinach for dinner all in the same day.
So on my birthday Girlfriend and I went to the mall with my Victoria’s Secret gift card that was already burning a hole in my purse. I was able to find a few things but nothing that one could call a “set” because finding a matching bra and panty in the correct size during the Semi- Annual Sale is as likely to happen as that whole Virgin Birth story.
She was just giving that shit out to all the fellas.
You know that right?
And after that I went to Forever 21 for a little 34th birthday punishment fun.
One must never go into Forever 21 on her 34th birthday because really one is too old to shop there.
My daughter is closer in age to the store manager than I am.
And I stood out like a whore at bible study with my stroller complete with preschooler stuffing her face with shut up and let mama shop bribe cookies.
And I felt like a giant momtard because there were some things I couldn’t identify as a shirt or a dress or as a dress or a skirt and I just put those things back immediately because those teenage salespeople are such bitches you can’t ask them for shit and you know I’d be the asshat to buy a shirt, thinking it was a dress, and walk around with my new non- matching VS Signature Cotton panties hanging out, right?
Or I’d buy an outfit thinking I was the shiznit (is that what the kids are saying? I have no idea) and end up looking like this:
Or like my Great Aunt Esther:
It was intimidating as hell.
But one good thing that happened there was that I had my best shopping moment ever with my daughter and this is going to make all you childless ladies out there want to have a little girl in the worst way.
When I held up a dress and asked Girlfriend if she liked it, she put her finger to her chin, considered her answer carefully, and said “yes I do, but do you have the shoes to go with it?”
I’m not going to lie to you Internet.
There were tears of joy as everything I’ve ever wanted in my whole life was given to me in that one moment.
I have a mini-me.
It’s about damn time.
So I finish my shopping and after being sufficiently ignored at the cash register by the little salescunts and then finally noticed and informed in the snottiest way possible of the store’s fucked up return policy, I went home with this dress in green,
These jangly bangle bracelets
And these earrings that make such a satisfying tinkly sound when I turn my head that my neck hurts now from making them go and so I cannot wear them again until I get my neck brace off.