Who Wears Short Shorts?

If you dare wear short shorts, Nair for short shorts.

That’s going to go through your head all day now.

Sorry.

(No I’m not.)

So I had to buy some new shorts for our upcoming vacation because the ones I had last year? Yeah, no. They’re a definite no. go. I’m too damn fat for them this year. There was overspill muffin top and camel toe inducing tightness and society says that doesn’t look nice and so I must obey.

And last year’s itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini? Also not so much this year. It looks more like a tourniquet so I have to get a new one of those too so my ass doesn’t turn blue from lack of circulation because nobody likes a blue assed girl.

I think society should pay for the new shorts and the new bikini since they’re the ones who are being such assholes about the whole thing.

And as if I wasn’t depressed enough at the thought of having to buy bigger shorts because it means that somehow after working out every single day and watching what I eat I still managed to gain 10 lbs (!) over the past year, I turn around to see that my husband has tried them on.

And they fit him.

Better than me.

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Work it baby,

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Own it.

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That’s right people. He’s a Junior size 5.

This is so wrong on so many levels and it can be very depressing when your 6 foot 4 husband can fit into your clothes! He outweighs me by 75lbs!

HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN INTERNET?

HOW?

IT ISN’T FAIR.

And he eats like shit and he never works out. He calls his workouts “in situ” meaning he gets his exercise by working around the house.

That’s bullshit!

I work around the house too but I gain weight.

What the fucking fuck?

So anyway I should probably tell you so you’re not surprised when you come to see me on Monday morning and find there’s a man in my blog that I’m having a few guests come over to keep an eye on the place while Crissy gets a little well deserved R&R and her husband prances like a pretty princess around a seaside resort town in her new shorts.

You already know all of these people because they’re regulars around here and I’m hoping that they’ve all tried their keys in the door to make sure they work because after today I will be unavailable for consultation.

Monday we have Chris from Surviving Myself
Tuesday is Lynne at In The Rays of a Beautiful Sun
Wednesday is my bff Rachel from Get Your Freak On, which is on hiatus right now because she got a J-O-B.
Thursday you’ll hear from Kiala at Face of the Cookie
Friday is Melissa from Recovering Californian

Okay, I’m going to go and get packed and try to explain to my husband again why
A. It is unacceptable to wear women’s shorts in public or in private without some sort of nod in the direction of hair removal. At. Least.
B. He may not bring his scuba gear for use in the resort’s swimming pool again this year.

That’s right Internets, laugh it up.

My life is a hell.

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35 comments

  1. Ah…I believe I saw some Pretty Princess CAMEL TOE…..maybe he should graduate to a size 7….he may not be much fun on vacation if he’s been….ummmmm….’restrained’ so tightly….

    Just a thought.

    Meh…hair removal isn’t all it’s cracked up to be….believe me!! 🙂

  2. There is no justice in this world. I’ve been running at 20 miles a week and have gained weight. Mr. Dingo says he’ll run with me but we have to clear the clothes off the clothes rack Bowflex so he can workout — he’ll lose too much weight if he runs. Ass. Send over your girl/man shorts. And the Nair.

  3. I AM SO SORRY KRISTEN!

    I’m not sure what else to say…I’m stuck in a quandary of feeling sorry for you, but somehow secretly coveting your husbands’ ass for my own.

    I think Junior size 5 was a size I wore in 6th grade…for one day.

  4. It’s all in the ass. Men have small hips, flat butts, and chicken legs. You don’t want that body.

    Well, maybe the chicken legs. I wouldn’t mind those. But you definitely don’t want a flat butt. Or so I hear.

  5. Shelly- I noticed the camel toe on him too. I think you’re right. He needs the next size up for some ball room.

    Dingo- If my husband worked out, he would die. He would waste away to nothing and die. Bastard.

    Rach- He has a sweet little ass doesn’t he?

    Neth- Ha, ha, ha, ha!

    Arielle- I have always wanted chicken legs. They look adorable in heels. And I agree. Flat butt= bad.

  6. i don’t feel sorry for you at all because i don’t think i EVER wore a size 5 in juniors. maybe in my toddler years.

    those shorts are sexy though – nice ass 😉

  7. My ex husband used to look AWESOME in my jeans. Way more awesome than me.

    I am a size 9 (you hear that internet? A NINE) so I am trying very hard to empathize but all I can think about is what my life would be like if I were a 5.

    I imagine I’d be a supermodel nuclear physicist. And a Bond girl, natch.

    But I am sorry lady! I’m positive you still look waaaay super hawt.

  8. Ashley- Well, I’m not so much lamenting that I’m now a 5 but I am lamenting that my husband fits into a 5. It’s just wrong.

    Alexa- He tries on all my new clothes. I’m a little scared.

    Kiala- No. Turns out the life of a 5 is not all it’s cracked up to be. And yeah, I still look way super hawt anyways.

  9. I don’t wear shorts. I wear dresses, which are expandable, and fit every year. Kind of like a mumu. I’m pretty sure mumus are in this year. Right??

  10. “Don’t hate the playa, hate the game”

    HAHAHAHA. That was great. Society that doesn’t accept camel toe induced tightness is a society I don’t want to be a part of.

  11. in my defense, i have moose/hog knuckle aka camel toe because i have a pair of battle-proven balls inside my change purse… not to mention the polish kielbasa hanging out nearby.

    where do you think all that wedding tackle is gonna go?

  12. Now I finally know what size he wears!

    Get ready for some thongs Ken, I know it’s taken awhile for me to get them to you. I’m sorry.

  13. Melissa- a tramp stamp of a man’s ass? Sounds great!

    Denise- Yeah. I think he needs the next size up.

    Hannah- I am totally with you on the dresses. And yes. I think mumus are in this year.

    rs27- Okay since you like the camel toe, I’m not going to ask you to chip in your part of the new shorts fund.

    Neth- wedding tackle?

    Chris- He needs a larger size in the thong because his manly business hangs out all over the place.

  14. Your husband? Has a nice ass! I bet he gets hit on by the gays all the time.

    And another thing. Your husband is a skinny minny. If he outweighs you by 75 lbs, then you’re barely there. I swear!

  15. I’m so braindead I almost forgot to comment! I’m having a hard time sympathizing with you being a size 5 because I’m pretty sure my left thigh alone is a size 5! You may have gained 10 lbs but you still look pretty damn thin to me! Hubby does look cute though!

  16. I would like to see the video clips of him wearing these FOR REAL in Newport. Just casually shopping, eating ice cream…and the reactions that come of it all.

    I’m SO serious.

    You have your assignment. I triple dog dare ya!

  17. Megkathleen- Yes but his ass is nicer than mine!

    Nilsa- The gays swoon when he walks by. You can hhear them say things like “what a shame he’s married.”

    JoeInVegas- I thought of that but I ran out of time. Sorry.

    Lynne- I knew you would say that.

    Jim- What? A little man ass in the morning doesn’t do it for ya?

    Rach-You know he’ll fucking do it and not even think twice.

  18. Rach- Believe it or not, he doesn’t even own one thing mad of mesh! I know. You’re stunned.

    Subie- Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

    Kiala- You can totally wear short shorts! The key to the short shorts is to wear a shoe with a little lift to them to elongate your legs and lift your butt. I’m not talking Fergie hot pants and stilettos but like wedgie sandals or something like that.

  19. But you must keep in mind he never had a baby pushed/yanked out of him. It changes a woman. Make him pregnant and see if he fits into those shorts afterwards.

  20. Love the pix. He looks HOT! You may have gained 10, but you still look fabulous. Your yoga pays off because you put it on in all the right places. You look strong and fit. Keep up the great work. As for Hubby Dearest, I’m jealous, too.

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