You know who I love? Kelly Ripa. Not in a scary stalker kind of way where I want to kidnap her and keep her in my basement and try to make a Kelly Ripa suit out of her (it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Right Precious? Ruff! Ruff!) or anything like that but in a way that makes me want to hang around with her and drink soooo many watermelon martinis that we wind up holding each other’s hair back in the bathroom of some hip Manhattan bar. But I haven’t put much thought into what Kelly and I would do together if we were friends. None. at. all. Clearly. I just think we’d hit it off because she’s so cute and so funny just like me. Only kidding. I’m cuter and funnier. Everyone knows that. I don’t even mind if she’s roughly the size of a smurf, give or take an apple or two, I’d still lick her sideways. I don’t even know what that means. And I love the new commercial she’s in, the one for Electrolux appliances (boiling water in 90 seconds! What will they think of next?), even though I think the wardrobe people got the shirt she’s wearing totally wrong, but that’s so typical of wardrobe people anyway so no big shocker there. I mean my wardrobe people are always fucking up and I have to yell at them in Spanish “No comprende el estupido bitcho me look fatso en rojo! Asso holio!” and then I have to beat them with a belt or else they’ll never learn, but her shoes are cute so I guess that makes up for it somewhat. And this always makes me laugh: And I love how Regis calls her “Pipa.” I wish someone had an adorable nickname for me. Anyone?

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  1. asso holio…my favorite new bilingual saying.

    Nicknames for you…I’m still thinking of something perfect. Ripa and Pipa have that cute rhyming thing going, but I am stuck at Filbert or Dilbert for you…and that’s neither cute, nor cool.

    I’ll get back to ya….

  2. i’d lurrrrrrrrrrrrve to see you lick kelly ripa sideways. blog traffic would crush the host.

    i had no idea you spoke spanish so fluently!

    best line–“who the fuck are you?? get away from my limo!!”

  3. I work with a woman whose real name is Pippa. No joke. She’s lovely, actually – just an unfortunate name.

    i’m not a huge KR fan – but she’s WAAAY better than that psycho Kathie Lee Gifford.

  4. Ripa? Meh……

    She was very likeable at the beginning of her Regis stint, and now, she’s too skinny, teeth too white, Lips too plump and hair too perfect….I mean WHO IN THE HELL cooks dinner with the perfect little “O” shape on her mouth? Electrolux seems cool, but Ripa? She’s got a freaking STAFF……she doesn’t COOK.

    I enjoyed her down to earth-ness much more in the beginning…….she’s too glammed up for me now.

    Although, I’d much rather drink watermelon martinis with HER than Kathie Lee…….Ripa’s a HUGE improvement……

    I’ve been trying to think of a cutsie name for you and so far….NOTHIG…..I’ll keep on it, though.

  5. I sort of hated Kelly Ripa until I watched that video. I swear my heart always melts when a mom mentions crack cocaine.

    A nickname for you? Crippa. Except you can never, ever come to LA. Because someone will shoot you and leave a red bandana on your corpse. I love you too much for that to happen.

  6. I commented and it didn’t appear – oh well. I’ll spend the day thinking up a cute knickname for you! As for Ripa, eh, not a fan. Better than Kathie Lee though – MUCH better!

  7. I think it would be harder than you think to keep her head out of the toilet. She’s a little top heavy, like a bobblehead. I’m not a fan. Although that video may have swayed me a bit.

  8. To Everyone: I had no idea people don’t like her. I haven’t seen the show in ages, but every time I see her do something non Regis-ish I think we could be friends because she seems fun. Like in the SNL video.
    Just sayin’.

  9. You do know that Dane, my husband DANE, was the prime mover and shaker behind the electrolux website, right? You should look at it. He did that.

    He did not get to meet Kelly Ripa though.

    I love her.

  10. Boo Kelly Ripa!

    I just wanted to join the angry mob. I don’t care either way.

    People should call you Sweet Sassy McCrassy. Get it? Get it?

    I’ll go now.

  11. Hmm.
    Don’t hate me, you’re not pissy, I’m just brainstorming. There are no bad ideas.

  12. I don’t watch the show. Because Regis is more annoying than any of his counterparts. But, I think Kelly and her hot hubbie make an adorable couple.

    Nickname for you? Ooooh, that requires brain cells to think. Me haz none of those. If I think of something, I’ll holla back.

    Tell me the name of that Manhattan bar where you’d hang out with Pipa. I’m going to NY this weekend. I’ll have a drink for you! ha.

  13. Kiala- THANK YOU! It looks like it’s just you and me and a couple of horny dudes.

    Chris- That is exactly something my husband would say.

    Neth- Yes you are.

    Jim- All my children, huh?

    rs27- I like the sweet and sassy part put the Crassy part? I prefer Ribald.

    Megan- My brother called me Kristen Pissed-in. Next!

    Neth- Obvious.

    Nilsa- I don’t watch the show either. I’m at work by the time it comes on and even if I was around, the kiddo would never tolerate it. Even if Kelly is child sized.

    Chris- Yes. Poor Ari.

  14. Oh my, your hubby is funny. Anyway, I usually give my friends food themed nicknames. I was thinking for you it could be Goosie or GG or Double-G. You know…after the vodka?

    That’s all I’ve got.

  15. Megkathleen- Goosie is kinda cute…

    Kiala- I’m not a bit whiskey person though

    Jim- Yeah, I know. I’m shocked that you were watching soap operas.

  16. I love it! More commercials like that are needed (and products)! Where is this hair product sold? I bet Target has some.

    Teach me Spanish.

  17. I’m sorry to say I disagree with you on this one. I loathe Kelly Ripa. LOATHE her. (usually do like her hair though) I’d love to force feed her a Double Whopper or two so she could possibly gain an ounce or two and look healthy. Bony-chicken chests are not sexy. eeewww…

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