#1 in the #3 Business

Happy back to work Tuesday after a bless-ed long weekend! Ya-ta-da-da!

I know you’ve been dying to hear about how the birthday extravaganza went so I won’t keep you in suspense any longer.

To tell you the truth Internet, I don’t really know because I don’t remember the party. Just a few snippets here and there and that’s it. And no. I wasn’t drinking. I was working my ass off. I busied myself so much with eating lots of things containing mayonnaise and sour cream and white flour while flying around hostessing that I got the party amnesia. And then after the party I drank many drinks containing alcohol just to help me chill the fuck out after all the excitement and I am still feeling screwed up from all the sugar and I am most certainly still hung over and that was 3 days ago so you can only imagine the debauchery that took place.


From what I’m able to piece together, the party went something like this.


And Girlfriend and I made this cake together. It was lemon cake with blue butter cream frosting. We made the whole thing from scratch.


Are you impressed with us Internet because I am.

And the kids had a ball.



I set up a long piece of paper and had trays of paint and all sorts of interesting objects to drag across the paper with the paints.


Girlfriend and Mackenzie had the most fun with the expressive arts project.


Painting is Girlfriend’s most favoritest activity.


Her adorable little birthday dress is toast. I put the tee shirt on her but it was too late. Contrary to what I believed, Washable Tempera paint is not, in fact, washable at all. As I learned after frantically searching the Internet for a way to fix her dress, you’re supposed to mix dish soap into the paint in order to make it washable. WTF?? There are several parents who now hate me for ruining their children’s clothing.


But hey! I warned them in the invitation that the kids would be painting so It’s not all my bad.

Oh and she received a digital camera from us. This is her very first self portrait taken in her bedroom mirror.


Annie Leibovitz can suck it.

And then on Monday, using the new red wagon Girlfriend’s Auntie Cya bought her for her birthday, we walked to Crissy’s town’s Memorial Day Parade that is held conveniently 2 blocks away from Crissy’s house.


Alice was scared of the fire trucks and scratched the shit out of Mommy’s lap, but Girlfriend had a ball and even made a friend whose parents invited us to come to a Memorial Day barbecue with them. And of course we went to that because far be it for the Crissys to turn down free food and mixed tropical drinks all within stumbling walking distance of the house. Plus we had the wagon just in case anyone passed out was too tired to walk home.


So that’s it I think and oh, wait. Rewind to Saturday when I went to have my hair done and when I told the girl I wanted it lighter for the summer I didn’t mean I wanted it to be white. But it is. I have white hair.

Like Betty White only she’s more blond than me.

And it’s much shorter. And I keep running back to the mirror, even though it hurts so bad you guys, just to see if it’s still fucked and that I still hate it and the answer is always YES.

I hate it so much I want to kill myself.

So aside from the hair tragedy and the crying jags whenever I catch myself in the mirror, the weekend was pretty great because I am really, a very brilliant party planner and people called the next day to say they had fun and to thank us again and that’s always nice to hear.

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  1. T-O-N-E-R. That’s all you need for the hair. You will mellow out to a nice whore-y shade of Pamela Anderson for your vacation.

    As for the cake–very cute. I especially like the nipple candy on the sides.

  2. oh, and next time you party, I find that the littles really dig Mike’s Hard Lemonade…too much talk about keeping hands off “Heiney’s” just leads to a lot of potty accidents ’round here.

  3. Rach- I’d rather be Pam than Betty, and I’ll try the Mike’s next time.

    Shelly- I tried that. It’s a great idea, but I’m just not feelin’ the hair.

    Marie- I find they prefer Heineys to the box wine, or “juice boxes” as we like to call them at our house.

  4. hey, betty white is a fox!

    btw, we need to have sex at least once with the current hair color so i can take advantage of the “when-i-squint-and-use-my-imagination-it’s-almost-like-i’m-fucking-a-stranger-but-it’s-really-my-wife” effect.

  5. Looks like a fun party! I assume there was no leftover cake….. And you don’t look ANYTHING like Betty White! I like it but then again I thought my hair was purple so perhaps I’m color blind.

  6. Oh, I have thought about the beautiful cake and the beer given to children (excellent idea) and having sex with your partner and pretending he/she’s a stranger, but all I can say when I look at those pictures is look at that SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

  7. Neth- That comment was highly inappropriate. And I have an appointment this afternoon after work to fix it so you missed out anyway.

    Lynne- The cake was gone in like two seconds, but I brought a leftover fruit tart thing. It’s in the fridge.

  8. Chris- The kid in the 1st picture is Travis. He bit my kid, deservedly so, and now all she can say whenever she sees him is “you bit me Travis.” Look at the picture of me in the red dress setting up paints for the kids. My daughter’s hair is blond, so compare that to my hair and remember that the picture makes my hair look darker. See? Betty White.

  9. White hair is totally in right now. I say start up a rock band, put on some really red lipstick and call yourselves Heroine Chic and that’s a hit.

  10. I surfaced from my paper writing hell to take a study break and read your blog. Yours, Crissy. The only one I will read until this paper is done. And what do I find? You are my hair twin! Yes, you’ve made this procrastination effort so much more valuable than I ever imagined!! Can I come to your house and stand next to you? With my mullet and your, your Betty White thing goin’ on, well, we can make everyone think that we wanted our hair this way.

    Okay, paper is calling. Must go work. Sorry for this rambling comment but all my “must make sense” capabilities are being funneled away from the blogosphere at the moment.

  11. One more thought, is it possible that your hairdresser misunderstood? Could she have possibly thought when you asked to look like Foxy Brown that she thought you said Betty White?

  12. rs27- I love that idea, but how about calling ourselves The Whiteheads? No?

    Dingo- I am honored. And I think we should try that. Maybe we can start a white mullet trend or something. That would be cool.

    Ashley- I love Betty White too. She reminds me of my grandmother. And the party did rock hard core. Or it should have because I worked my ass off.

    Chris- It’s all good. Girlfriend totally deserved to be bitten. Travis is a day care kid and they don’t put up with any crap from anyone so when she pissed him off, he dealt with it gangsta style.

    Dingo- Well that’s the problem. I said I wanted to look like Erykah Badu and I showed her the picture but maybe I brought a picture of Betty White by accident. I carry one with me always.

  13. Oh my god, I totally left a comment. I don’t know where it went. I said that giving children beer was good. And it was funny. WHERE DID MY COMMENT GO, INTERNETS????

  14. I am very impressed with the blue cake! Also, I am impressed with Girlfriend’s painting.

    I wouldn’t worry about the hair – I second Rachel, toner’s the way to go. Last time I got my hair colored I asked for red highlights and she suggested making my brown hair darker to make them pop. BIG mistake. I cried when I looked in the mirror too. But the toner saved the red so I didn’t look so goth.

    Geez, sorry for the long comment…

  15. I wish I could not remember my weekend. Unfortunately, I’m still living it. And it’s not very fun. So, be happy you’ve forgotten your fun weekend. At least fun was a part of it. 🙂

  16. WAIT. I put up a comment too!!!! Wha happen?

    It was about how I bet you still look hot.


    Don’t you worry about your hair please. Just get a toner. I’m sure you look beautiful.

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