Yesterday we covered a few things that Girlfriend says and does but today is my turn because you really come here to hear about me and all my glamorishness and you’ve all been lovely and attentive during Crissy’s Mom Week and I appreciate that so much. I love you all except for the people who punched or threatened to punch kittens. They are naughty people and should be spanked twice and put to bed straight away.
I never understood my mother until I became a mom myself. I always thought she was a little bit, how do I say this and not sound like a bitch, insane? But I have discovered that living with a child is like living with a drunken, retarded midget with octopus arms and the power to spit and throw long distances. They turn ordinary people into forgetful, distracted, crazy batshit people.
And they make you do stuff you never in a million thought you would, like:
- Trade my jello shots for a tray of Alphabet Jigglers.
- Have to hide in the bathroom to eat a piece of chocolate.
- Wait until the ungodly hour of of 7pm to enjoy my first cocktail because that’s when her highness retires for the evening.
- Be unable to cook dinner without Curious George on TV in the kitchen regardless of whether or not Girlfriend is in the room at the time.
- Spend my day protecting one small white dog.
- Carry a pair of Curious George panties in my purse in case of an accident.
- Bring food to a resturant.
- Spray Febreeze to repell monsters.
- Prefer watching Sesame Street to watching the news. (There really isn’t much difference between the Today Show and Sesame Street, right?)
And the retarded midget makes for some crazy yelling too.
“No, you may not stir your bath water with the toilet brush.”
“Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit. Sit. Sit. Sit. Sit. Down. SIT! DOWN!”
“Oh! Oh God. No. Stop. Please don’t lick my boss’s leg!”
“Are you pooping right now?”
“We do not sit on tomatoes!”
“Hey! Be careful with that! If you lose it, you won’t have it anymore!” (I’m a genius, I know)
“NO! The doggie doesn’t like it when you stick things in her bum! No. she. doesn’t!”
“Put the remote control down and step away from the toilet!”
“Put. your. shoes. on!” X infinity + 10.
“No. Ice cream is not a good breakfast.” (sometimes you have to lie)
Anyway there’s like a million more things that I could include here but I don’t have time because today we will spend the day doing so. much. crap. and collecting last minute items for the birthday extravaganza to take place on Sunday. You’re all invited but only if you bring a new BMW for Girlfriend because that’s what she really wants.
Her favorite color is blue.
And hey, thanks for voting everybody. I think we should turn this blogger’s choice awards into a crusade against queer blogs (and I don’t mean that as in blogs written by gay people. I mean blogs written by geeks and losers). I won’t shut up until I at least beat out TrendyTots stylish finds from tots to teens. Comethefuckonnow! and then we’re going after Klessis The Bento Maker. What in the name of Jesus and Mary is a bento and how does one base an entire blog on it? From what I can tell, all this woman does is take pictures of her kid’s lunch box contents every. day. and I think she’s an abusive mother because she puts stuff like fish soup in there. What kid wants to eat that shit?
Anyway I have to be a hotter mommy than the fish soup lady right?