The Mommy Monologues

Yesterday we covered a few things that Girlfriend says and does but today is my turn because you really come here to hear about me and all my glamorishness and you’ve all been lovely and attentive during Crissy’s Mom Week and I appreciate that so much. I love you all except for the people who punched or threatened to punch kittens. They are naughty people and should be spanked twice and put to bed straight away.

I never understood my mother until I became a mom myself. I always thought she was a little bit, how do I say this and not sound like a bitch, insane? But I have discovered that living with a child is like living with a drunken, retarded midget with octopus arms and the power to spit and throw long distances. They turn ordinary people into forgetful, distracted, crazy batshit people.

And they make you do stuff you never in a million thought you would, like:

  1. Trade my jello shots for a tray of Alphabet Jigglers.
  2. Have to hide in the bathroom to eat a piece of chocolate.
  3. Wait until the ungodly hour of of 7pm to enjoy my first cocktail because that’s when her highness retires for the evening.
  4. Be unable to cook dinner without Curious George on TV in the kitchen regardless of whether or not Girlfriend is in the room at the time.
  5. Spend my day protecting one small white dog.
  6. Carry a pair of Curious George panties in my purse in case of an accident.
  7. Bring food to a resturant.
  8. Spray Febreeze to repell monsters.
  9. Prefer watching Sesame Street to watching the news. (There really isn’t much difference between the Today Show and Sesame Street, right?)

And the retarded midget makes for some crazy yelling too.

“No, you may not stir your bath water with the toilet brush.”
“Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit. Sit. Sit. Sit. Sit. Down. SIT! DOWN!”
“Oh! Oh God. No. Stop. Please don’t lick my boss’s leg!”
“Are you pooping right now?”
“We do not sit on tomatoes!”
“Hey! Be careful with that! If you lose it, you won’t have it anymore!” (I’m a genius, I know)
“NO! The doggie doesn’t like it when you stick things in her bum! No. she. doesn’t!”
“Put the remote control down and step away from the toilet!”
“Put. your. shoes. on!” X infinity + 10.
“No. Ice cream is not a good breakfast.” (sometimes you have to lie)

Anyway there’s like a million more things that I could include here but I don’t have time because today we will spend the day doing so. much. crap. and collecting last minute items for the birthday extravaganza to take place on Sunday. You’re all invited but only if you bring a new BMW for Girlfriend because that’s what she really wants.

Her favorite color is blue.

And hey, thanks for voting everybody. I think we should turn this blogger’s choice awards into a crusade against queer blogs (and I don’t mean that as in blogs written by gay people. I mean blogs written by geeks and losers). I won’t shut up until I at least beat out TrendyTots stylish finds from tots to teens. Comethefuckonnow! and then we’re going after Klessis The Bento Maker. What in the name of Jesus and Mary is a bento and how does one base an entire blog on it? From what I can tell, all this woman does is take pictures of her kid’s lunch box contents every. day. and I think she’s an abusive mother because she puts stuff like fish soup in there. What kid wants to eat that shit?

Anyway I have to be a hotter mommy than the fish soup lady right?



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  1. For once I’m not commenting way down the list. It only takes waking up at 5am. I have a mommy confession and maybe this is because it is 5:50am, but now that I’m a mom, I totally get people who beat their children. I don’t beat my own kid (much) but I can totally understand that moment where you just fucking snap. I often send Steve texts that say, “one of us won’t make it out of today alive.”

    Happy day!

  2. Definitely a hotter mom than the fish soup lady. Ew. Fish soup.

    So Febreeze really repels monsters? Does it repel creepy old men who should not be at bars but are and hit on youngsters such as myself?

    Happy Birthday to Girlfriend (again)!! Wish I could join but I actually can’t afford to get her a BMW at this point and time.

  3. Jesus, it would be Chris’s blog. I hate that little grammar faux pas. Chris is still one person, even though his name ends with an S, so it would be Chris’s.

    I’m fucking tired today. I’m mom tired, you know?

  4. P.S. This post reminded me that I had ice cream in the freezer (as if I needed reminding). I had it for breakfast. I shared it with Dingo Girl. Yum.

  5. Melissa- I do the exact same thing. I call Ken to tell him that if there’s blood in the hall when he comes in, don’t bother. Chris usually has his post up by 10:30 or 11:00 our time. I’m bored at work. That’s how I know.

    Marie- Febreeze absolutely works on bar swine.

    Dingo- Why won’t that little bitch just listen?

    Joy- Did you have ice cream for breakfast this morning?

    Chris- I bet you look adorable in them!

    Ashley- No. It is a good breakfast, just not for someone who’s three and prone to sugar fits.

    Shelly- Agreed.

    Dingo- And don’t you feel teriffic? So much better than Fiber One.

    Katie B.- Nope. Most of them don’t.

    Jim- Isn’t it awful?

  6. my favorite thing is when you threaten to take something away and they call your bluff. Because you really don’t want to take away tv for a whole weekend cause then they want to sit and bug you all the time.

  7. Maybe we can do a swap. I get to come to Girlfriend’s bash sans BMW gift and you get to crash my wedding. I think that sounds like a perfectly reasonable compromise!

  8. Greg- EXACTLY. Never, ever take away the TV. It punishes the parents more than the kid.

    Nilsa- That sounds pretty good only I want you to bring the baby’s mamas and the baby with you. And your brother too, of course.

  9. ice cream may not be a great breakfast…but let’s not forget about the redeeming qualities of chocolate cake!

  10. rs27- No way. Fish soup lady deserves it. And I forgot to mention that red is her second favorite color, so you’re still in! See you at 1:00!

    Kiala- Never.

    Rach- Um. How’s that 21 day cleanse working out? Already dying for cake?

  11. Want more trouble? Have another kid. The fighting is extra special. Remember when a lunatic mother had been pushed to the limit and grabbed each kid and forced them to try to kill each other while the mother screamed “come on, kill, kill! One of you will die, the other will go to jail. KILL!”

  12. Megan- You know what it’s like then.

    Jim- It’s always vodka time.

    Mom- Turned out to be a tie. We both survived. The little bastard was a good fighter. I’d go for a re-match but he could absolutely kick my ass now.

  13. I feel like I have nothing to add to this since I don’t have little rats of my own…one day. But I will say this – my mom can’t remember anything from the early ’80’s – when my brother and I were both toddlers. She’s blacked out the entire thing. It was just so traumatizing.

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