I know that on Tuesday I promised you that I wouldn’t torture you with all the cute things my kid says because it makes you want to punch kittens and I wouldn’t want you to do that because kittens are just. adorable. but I lied Internet!
Liar, Liar pants on fire!
Sue me.
Just promise me you won’t punch any kittens after this because I would hate that.
She’s never even had fried chicken! And how does she know about addictions? Ahem, I don’t have any…
Already a procrastinator like her daddy. We still have not resolved the windows issue, just so you know. If she catches The Retardation it’s all his fault Internet.
I am not allowed to sing in my own home.
She actually said this next thing when I was getting out of the shower one day, but I don’t have a Barbie shower so I had to use the couch instead.
My boobies are not silly. They’re spectacular. That must be what she meant.
We’re still working on her vocabulary.
And when she’s asked to do something she does not want to do, she dives under the nearest piece of furniture and does this instead:
And then she spits on the floor which lands her a spot on the naughty step where she proceeds to spit on the floor some more and draw designs in it with the toe of her sneaker. When let off the naughty step she refuses to clean up the spit which lands her back on the naughty step where she resumes her spit drawing.
She’s quite good. I’ll take a picture of one for you sometime.
Girlfriend sometimes has trouble engaging her frontal lobe and says things to strangers that maybe she shouldn’t.
And then she spits at them if she really feels strongly about it. She does this to random people in stores and whatnot. At least it’s not as bad as what I did to my mother. Apparently I hated men with beards when I was little and we were at the grocery store and I pointed to a man with a beard and loudly said “Hey mommy. Look at that fucking ass hole!”
God, I was cute.
Lately I’ve been trying to teach her proper terminology and to be comfortable with her body, and that nakedness is not a shameful thing, and that it’s okay to sort of get to know herself as long as she’s alone and all that hippy crap you’re supposed to say nowadays if you’re not a Jesus freak and she really never acknowledges her netherlands, but I don’t want her to feel weird about it and I guess I sort of overshot my goal in the vagi appreciation department.
Ooops.
As long as she doesn’t do this in high school it’s all good.
And she seems to talk about boobies a lot.
I don’t know why.
And she wants to be a fairy. A very special fairy.
Don’t judge me Internets! She did not necessarily pick up the naughty words from me!
She. did. not.
Happy Thursday everybody.
HEY! You in the back!
I see you!
PUT DOWN THAT KITTEN!
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May 22nd, 2008 at 6:13 AM
oh, wait, let me put down my kitten.
Your daughter is obviously brilliant. I know that my vagina is cute, and that most men I meet are stupid…
And I LOVE your Barbie big screen tv!
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:47 AM
Oh, that’s fantastic. I especially liked the Barbie reenactment photos.
May 22nd, 2008 at 6:53 AM
Wow, I hope when my baby is old enough that she is just like your daughter. Maybe minus the spitting.
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:17 AM
She’s almost three and she’s never had fried chicken?! Isn’t that a form of child abuse?
Hold on, Girlfriend! Auntie Dingo is coming to save you and she’s bringing Colonel Sanders! With a side of fries, of course.
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:30 AM
First I would like to say that I almost freaked out about 15 minutes ago when I tried opening your webpage and it gave me an error. I kept refreshing and getting an error. Aaack! But all is well now.
Girlfriend is just awesome!! If I ever had a kid (and yes it would have to be a girl because as mentioned yesterday girls are da bestest), I’d definitely want her to talk like your kid. Why? Just for my own pure amusement.
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:31 AM
Ok, sorry, I meant to say, “if I ever have a kid.” Oops.
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:01 AM
Did I totally space girlfriend’s birthday even though you mentioned when it was? I’m sorry, happy birthday. Also I love that she knows the correct version of you’re. She really is brilliant. And the future spokeswoman for ajinas everywhere.
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:40 AM
What’s impressive to me is that she knows how to swear and threaten properly at such a young age. It’s so awkward when kids don’t know how correctly to use “horse’s ass” in a sentence.
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:57 AM
Rach- I got that whole living room set for a quarter! Are you proud?
Leah- Congrats on the baby! Your tummy is sooo adorable.
Dingo- Please can Auntie Dingo bring some for mommy too?
Marie- I’m going to switch hosts because that bullshit happens to me all the time too.
Melissa- Her birthday is on Sunday. 5/25/05 at 5pm and she weighed 5lbs. Weird, right?
Megan- She learned from the best.
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:58 AM
I agree with Megan that it’s important to learn proper cursing at a young age.
May 22nd, 2008 at 10:05 AM
her knowledge of adult words is impressive
and everyone should think their ah-jin-a is cute.
May 22nd, 2008 at 10:12 AM
You’re boobies are silly, don’t lie to bloggers Kristen, it’s just not nice.
May 22nd, 2008 at 11:19 AM
I was scarred by my mother and her ‘proper’ words….I HATE the ‘v’ word and am so glad I have boys that I can discuss PENIS’S with….and what NOT to do with it at such a young age.
My mother bought me a ‘kit’ when I was 8–8 FREAKING YEARS OLD and lovingly brought it down each month (or so it seemed) to go over it’s contents with me in SLOW MOTION TERRIFYING DETAIL. Belts and pads and STUFF…..oh the horror to a pre-pubescent child. My va-jay-jay is NOT cute, and not examined by ME…..if someone else needs to get in there and look, fine, but keep ME out of it.
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:00 PM
Silly Boobies McGee. Thats what you should call yourself.
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:03 PM
Lynne- I’m doing my best to teach her.
Ashley- She really does talk like an adult. Her favorite word is “splendid.”
Chris- They’re spectacular and you’re just jealous.
Shelly- So I’m guessing you’re not really big on the masturbation then.
rs27- I think I might make that my new blog title.
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:13 PM
Ok. Is it weird that Dane has said every single one of htose things to me at one time or another?
Is it?
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:14 PM
those!
Ha!
dammit.
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:19 PM
Kiala- Jenna? Is that you?
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:35 PM
I love your comics! But am sorely disappointed that you do not have a Barbie shower. I did a web search and there are indeed many varieties of Barbie showers, so how do you explain this oversight? Also, Dingo is right. How do you explain the fact that Girlfriend has never had fried chicken? Any kittens I come across today are toast.
May 22nd, 2008 at 1:09 PM
clearly she’s got my eloquence.
May 22nd, 2008 at 1:32 PM
And how do you know my boobies aren’t spectacular as well???
May 22nd, 2008 at 2:11 PM
Thanks for the comment on my belly - I wish I had taken some pictures pre-belly, but now people will just have to deal. Oh well.
And I think I had a Barbie shower growing up. I think girlfriend needs one of those as well.
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:45 PM
I just punched a kitten.
May 22nd, 2008 at 10:33 PM
I see that your O-Matic has a tape recorder in her head too.
How does that happen?
May 23rd, 2008 at 4:55 AM
stoogepie- I am still building my Barbie collection out of remnants from my own childhood and yard sale finds. I have yet to find a shower. I have a bathtub, but no shower. And we don’t really eat meat very often so that’s why she hasn’t had it yet. Does that satisfy you?
Neth- She gets the bad words from YOU!
Chris- Maybe they are, but I hope mine are at least BIGGER.
Leah- I’m working on it.
Matt- MONSTER!
Morgetron- I love that you call your kids O-Matic. That’s what made me fall in love with you. The tape recorder likes to turn itself on at random and incredibly awkward times too.
May 24th, 2008 at 4:38 PM
Dear sweet, elderly Grammy has to work bery bery hard NOT to use bad words in front of the human tape recorder. Where do you think you got your mouth from?