Happy Together

Needless to say that our lives changed when the baby came. Having a newborn to take care of is a lot of work and it’s the reason why I don’t know if I want to have another baby or just get another dog instead.

You laugh, but I’m on the serious.

Besides, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go without the booze and the pills for another year and a half. (that’s pregnancy + nursing, people. My math skills aren’t that fucked.)

Not only did I have a destroyed vaginal (thanks Megkathleen) but I was sooo tired. Look at my eyes:

See? Tie-yid.

That’s what a baby does for you, but I was also blissed out. That’s what Oxytocin from breastfeeding does for you and you barely notice how different life has suddenly become. You’re just trying to keep the little sucker alive and for fuck’s sake how many diapers do these kids go through in a day!?!

And Mister and I weren’t the only ones whose lives changed drastically. You’re looking at a picture of two little dogs who should be holding on to their hats because shit is about to get interesting.

The cute little teddy bear dog on the left in the picture is Martha. She was my baby before the baby. I used to carry her around on my hip just like a baby and she’d put her arms around my neck and rest her head on my shoulder. She was a sweet dog, but also a crazy little vicious asshole. You don’t hear about her because about one year ago today-ish, Martha turned on Girlfriend and shredded her face with her teeth and claws and left her with a permanent scar on her cheek. We had to feed her to a pack of angry Rottwilers give her to a little old lady with no grandchildren.

But Alice is there standing sentinel like she always does because she’s a good egg.

Moments after this picture was taken, the following doggie conversation took place:
Martha: Have we determined what this thing is yet?
Alice: Maybe you should sniff its ass. Maybe there’s a clue there.
Martha: They won’t let me near the thing. What the hell is it?
Alice: I don’t know. It kind of freaks me out though. I might hide until it goes away.
M: I think we should pee on its stuff, you know, to send a message.
A: You do that. I think I’ll go hide under the bed.
M: Maybe I’ll try to eat it.
A: That’s a stupid idea. How do you even know it’s edible. You do what you want and let me know how it turns out.
M: Maybe I’ll just wait until it’s vulnerable and then I’ll kick its ass!
A: Ummmm, sure. Good luck.

See? Good egg.

She wanted no part in Martha’s evil scheming.

And now poor Alice takes a lot of punishment from the baby and if there’s anyone out there considering getting a dog or a cat for their little one I urge you DON’T DO IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL HER SMALL CREATURES! Alice gets her ass handed to her all day long, every day. But she puts up with it, god bless her, because she doesn’t want to go and live with Martha and also because Girlfriend usually leaves a trail of yummy treats behind her.

And I know Girlfriend adores her some Alice burger (that’s what I call her. Alice burger. shut up.) because when we drop Alice off at the groomer, Girlfriend goes coo-coo for coco puffs and hits and kicks and cries because she doesn’t want to leave her with strangers.

“Mommy! You’re disgusting, you’re A Disgusting! I want Alice! Aaaaallliiiccceee!”

So here, I leave you with this: a story of compromise, a story of love:

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  1. When Girlfriend had her back to the camera, head in the chest of toys, thrashing about, throwing things behind her? I could’ve sworn that was you. No, I mean it. Not trying to be funny here.

    Muahahahahah! Adorable together!

  2. Hey…I had a dog that tried to eat my son’s head too! We didn’t give him to anyone, though. We gave him to the vet that had a handy little shot. I know, it sounds inhumane, but she’d been attacking our cat and OTHER dog for 3 years, and finally turned on my kid…..he was 10, and not a baby, so we couldn’t trust that she’d be reliable with anyone else. So we had her put to sleep.

    I can’t see your video—damn filters at work. I’ll have to see it later.

  3. now thats a good dog!

    on an unrelated note, did you know that the titles of the last 5 posts in your blog match my secret desires to be with you?

    happy together
    my vagina: a history
    fucked in the eye
    splendor in the grass
    waking up with crissy

    thoughts on this bizarre coincidence?

  4. Lynne- She has also been known to wear a tiara on occasion.

    Nilsa- I may or may not have been encouraging her to throw the stuff like mommy does.

    Shelly- It’s better to put the dog to sleep rather than have it end up in a shelter.

    Aznman- I’m fine with everything but the eye fucking. My poor eye has been through enough and besides, cum would probably sting.

  5. Nice chat Martha and Alice had. Can’t believe Martha went ahead with her plan and mauled Girlfriend’s face though! I guess she didn’t know any better.

    But Alice and Girlfriend…well that is a truly adorable love story.

    p.s. Girls are the bestest ever!

  6. i’d love to comment on the content of this post, but i can’t stop staring at the cute tiny little baby in the picture. with the feet and the chicken legs and the tiny nose….ah my ovaries hurt. have i mentioned i love babies?

  7. You’re a Mommy Blogger.

    I’m kidding!

    No, this was very cute and all I can think about is that Girlfriend’s life is way cooler than mine.

  8. MESSY LIVING ROOM! Yay! I knew I was going to see it eventually. Amen sister on the don’t get a pet for the kids argument. And Arch will be an only child because I remember childbirth and pregnancy and I am NEVER doing that again. NEVER. As for adopting, I don’t like other people’s children. Except yours.

    Can I come live with you? I swear you guys would never know I was there.

  9. Nilsa- They aren’t always directed at daddy.

    Marie- Girls rule! Boys drool!

    Ari- Why does that upset people? He’s just a dog for crying out loud. He’s just doin his thing.

    BakoStarr- You’re welcome.

    Ashley- She was sooooo little.

    Chris- You’d better be kidding. That’s not a nice thing to say to somebody.

    Melissa- I told you we didn’t have a small Thai girl. You can come and live with us if you want. I know Ken in particular would love that.

  10. Kiala- Stick with the dog. Dogs are better. I wish someone had told me.

    Nilsa- That sounds wise. I wouldn’t want to hit you accidentally.

    Jim- Everyone says she looks just like me.

  11. That was very cute–I loved the “hand” holding at the end.

    Melissa–just be forewarned that there are lurkers of the basement that may ask you to spoon in the middle of the night…

    Oh! And I CAN’T WAIT FOR HAPPY HOUR TONIGHT! I get to tell you all about my NEW super-hero identity…

  12. Wait, you guys are having happy hour. No fair. Wait, I’m having Happy Hour with Kiala tomorrow! Can we do it at the same time and call each it’ll be like a spirit-happy hour.

  13. Megkathleen- The booze is necessary. Trust me. Although it really is easy to quit when you know you’d be seriously fucking up your baby.

    rs27- Ha, ha, ha

    Neth- Don’t tell everyone about our sweet set up!

    Rach- Yay happy hour! I can’t wait to hear about your super power!

    Matt- No, I’m making it out to be worse for commedic value.

    Melissa- The four of us together would have so. much. fun.

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