It’s going to be Girlfriend’s third birthday this weekend and I’ve been thinking a lot about her and about being her mom and so I figured I’d make this week all about motherhood.
Why the fuck not?
Plus I know how truly fascinating people’s kids are especially if you don’t have any yourself, and so I thought I’d just give the Internet what it wants and regale you with detailed stories of my daughter and all her happenings and cute things she says.
Psych!
I won’t do that to you because I know how it makes you want to punch kittens, but I will be writing about motherhood and some of my experiences thus far, so welcome to Crissy’s Motherhood Week!
Woo. Hoo.
So, yes, motherhood. We have to start from the beginning-ish.
It all started when I was helping my friend Valerie, who was pregnant with her second baby, pick out a stroller. We were pushing them around the store when I felt a strange pang, one I’ve never felt before. I wanted that stroller to have a baby in it. MY baby!
This was a shock to me because I’m not a kid or baby person. I don’t lose my shit when I see a baby like some people do. Show me a puppy on the other hand, and I’m all “wook at teh bebe puppy face!” But now I wanted a person baby and not a fur baby so I began negotiations with Mister and we figured what the hell, what are we doing that’s so interesting right now anyway?
Let’s have a baby.
I got pregnant almost right away and it was healthy and wonderful, yada, yada, yada (Can you yada, yada, yada a pregnancy, because I just did) and then 3 years ago this coming Friday and a full two weeks before my due date, I visited my midwife who told me that
a) I was dilated 1 cm already
b) there’s a storm system moving in
c) there’s a full moon
d) all those things combined meant that the baby was coming the next day or the day after.
She also said that if I call her and make her drive an hour to the hospital and I’m not 100% positive I was in labor that she’d kill me. Dead.
She was cool.
On the way out I bumped into Erin of Storytime fame who was pregnant with Girlfriend’s little playmate Mackenzie at the time and I told her the news and drove home and ran a few red lights and forced other cars off the road because I was a little distracted called my husband to fill him in. He was totally un-phased. I think he said something like “well, that’s very interesting. Thanks for calling.”
Asshole.
And I waited, and the next day while buying blankets at Babies R Us I felt my first contraction and decided I’d better spread my hustle and get home, and then by 5pm the following evening, I had my baby. And as Melissa Lion assures me I probably shit on the table even though my husband swears I didn’t. And I didn’t know if I was having a girl or a boy and I wanted a girl soooo badly that when she came out I thought everyone was kidding until I saw for myself.
And I am totally crying right now.
Anyway, here is a picture of my vagina before the baby.
Don’t get too excited. It’s really just an orchid. My vagina is actually prettier and cuter than a basket full of kittens, truth be told.
And this is what came out of it.
She weighed only 5lbs and she looked like ET but I didn’t notice that part until just now. Thank Jesus she grew out of that shit.
This is a picture of my vagina after she came out.
It took about a year for things to get back to normal again. A year!
And that’s it. That’s my story.
Notice how I gave you only the highlights instead of the War and Peace type history of my uterus and vagina like most people like to tell?
I do not understand why no matter how hard I try to steer the conversation away from it, people keep driving the bus right back into the labor and delivery room. It’s like you’re not a real mom or a real woman unless you prove it by re-telling your battle story to complete strangers at the playground.
My disinterest in these very special stories is reason 101 why I don’t fit into mom culture. And it’s not lost on me that I have just told you mine, but it’s different because, hello!, It’s me, duh.
I’m praying for the day someone shares her fruity vodka drink recipes with me while we push the kids on the swings.
She’s out there somewhere. I can’t be the only renegade misfit mommy.
And when I find her I’m going to pour her a martini and kiss her long and deep.
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May 20th, 2008 at 5:59 am
Things like dilation, muscus plugs, and uncontrollable shitting are reasons that I’d rather have a red hot poker enema than hear a labor story. But you, and girlfriend, and your wrecked va-jay-jay are special. And you kept it short. Happy Birthday to Girlfriend!
May 20th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Oooooohhh wook at the widdle snuggly baby! Sorry, I’m a baby person. I love them all! GF is exceptionally cute (and funny!). I have 3 birth stories but if you’d rather swap drink recipes, I can do that too. You’ll find your misfit mommy soulsista someday. I had one - we used to sip wine at the bus stop out of our coffee mugs. Nobody knew but us! Happy Birthday GF!
May 20th, 2008 at 6:34 am
Dingo- I took out the part about the mucus plug because I totally agree with you. Those stories make me want to kill myself.
Lynne- I knew I loved you for a reason and drinking at the bus stop is it. You’re my hero!
May 20th, 2008 at 7:21 am
2 oz vanilla vodka
1 oz peach schnapps
2 oz peach nectar
1/2 oz lime juice
Mix and DRINK UP!!
(thanks to ‘Guy’s Big Bite” on foodtv, and watch it, it packs a WHALLOP)
May 20th, 2008 at 7:32 am
Shelly- A whallop is exactly what I’m looking for. And don’t worry. I won’t really make you make out with me.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Re-insert the muscus plug! Um, well, you know what I mean. It was gross but in that cool kind of way. Grossly cool, yeah, that’s it.
Oh, and if you had mentioned epidurals, I would’ve keeled over right at my desk. Keep that knitting needle away from my body parts!
May 20th, 2008 at 8:01 am
You mean to tell me you’ve been polluting little minds for almost three years? That’s a long time. Happy Anniversary! And of course, Happy Birthday to girlfriend.
BTW, THANK YOU for your comments today. I feel the warm and fuzzies and it has nothing to do with the hot toddy I’m gulping down. No, seriously. I wish you were my neighbor. Though, it sounds like you’re likely a neighbor of the baby’s mamas. Who won’t be your neighbor for long. Because they’re moving to Chicago!
May 20th, 2008 at 8:36 am
I have to do the cutesy thing (sorry)…Awwww!!! She is sooooo cute! Adorable!!! Cute widdle fingers and hands! So when is her birthday exactly? Cause mine is this Saturday. Is it on the 24th? Cause the 24th is awesome! Yay Girlfriend is a gemini as well!!! We are just too cool.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Vagina pictures = funny.
Also, I have a very good, good mom friend and I knew she’d be a good mom friend when it was 10am and we were at the play park and I said, “I could really smoke a bowl right now,” and she said, “me too, and we’d need to do lines just to make things right.” I believe I removed her pants and gave her oral sex right there.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:17 am
i am liking the %-lesbian-content that this post and its comments are delivering.
don’t forget to mention the “extra stitch for daddy” that the lovely (and voluptuous) midwife put in.
also the surreal, labor-inducing sex the night before.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:42 am
the pig that i have turned into (thanks to Mister) wants to know how long after Charlotte exited was Mister allowed to enter?????
May 20th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Dingo- I did not care what the epidural man was doing. I just knew I wasn’t going to make it without him.
Nilsa- I think you should add helping the baby’s mamas pack for the move and coming to visit me to your list of shit to do.
Marie- Missed it by a day. She was born on 5/25/05 at 5:00pm and weighed 5lbs. Freaky, huh? And my birthday is on 6/26. And so is my grandmother’s. Happy birthday to you!
Melissa- I would have done the exact same thing!!! Why oh why do you live all the way over there and I live all the way over here? Life is so not fair. Boo.
Neth- I forgot all about Lynette’s “extra stitch for daddy” comment. I love her.
Aznman- A long time. Like a couple of months. That shit hurts! Don’t tell me Yanna is still denying access. It’s been almost a year!
May 20th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I would share fruity vodka drink recipes too but I’m just a fur baby’s mama. I’m so glad becoming a person baby’s mama doesn’t remove all traces of of the cocktail-loving part of you. I wasn’t sure how that all worked, sometimes that seems to happen.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:02 am
So cool!!! Again, happy birthday to Girlfriend!!! And thanks for the birthday wishes!
May 20th, 2008 at 11:51 am
i think you scared chris away with the girly-business talk. lol!
May 20th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Yeah, where the hell is Chris today?
I didn’t have sex for like six month after. And then six months after that. I had a wee case of post partum depression.
I dunno why this stupid country has to be so big. I mean if this were like Peru, we’d be hanging out every other week. Having lesbian sex — that’s for Ken.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
And why I can’t proofread my comments before hitting submit.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I don’t know anything about being a mom, but I wish you had been my mom.
Wait. Is that weird? That sounds weird.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
You realize you have to record a video of the kiss. Otherwise we will never believe you.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I’m glad you shared all the cutesie stuff that just reinforces my need to have lots of babies and only mentioned in passing that your vaginal was ruined for a year after. It’s that kind of stuff that makes me scared to death of pregnancy.
Too bad you’re not in Sea-town. My sister wouldn’t share fruity vodka drink recipes, but she would share her bailey shakes recipe and probably force one down your throat. And if you tried to talk about labor with her she’d slap you upside the head - who wants to remember that shit?!
May 20th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Oops…I didn’t mean to say vaginal…that doesn’t really make sense.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Megan- It is possible to have a baby and not turn into momzilla. Don’t be scared.
Marie- I hope you do something really fun!
Neth- Is it wrong that I’m a little hurt that he didn’t visit me today?
Melissa- I don’t know where he is. Ari came home today so maybe he’s not around? I have no idea. But I shout VAGINA in his direction, just in case he’s in a kerfuffle about today’s discussion. And yes on the lesbian sex if we lived in Peru. That’s for Ken.
Kiala- No that’s not weird. Know what I wish? I wish that you were a mom and you and Melissa lived next door. We’d teach the kids how to make blender drinks and how to be quiet while the mommies get their drink on.
Jim- Of course I’ll tape it for you.
Megkathleen- Don’t be scared. It’s actually not too bad. And I thought vaginal was really cute. I might start saying that instead of vagina.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I am with Ken. The lesbian talk is great! But any post devoted to discussing vaginas is bound to be awesome. This one rocks!
I thought that orchid picture was pretty hot, but then I thought the train wreck was pretty damn sexy, too.
So, how the hell do you stop drinking and everything else that is Good and Righteous (except surreal, labor-inducing sex and possible unspoken lesbian trysts with a delicious midwife) for nine months? I am still trying to get into the habit of not drinking at work which is, like, nine hours.
Tell Girlfriend that the shaved head with a gangsta beanie is a good look for her. Also tell her Happy Birthday! When she gets her blog, I will subscribe.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
When I read the title I thought it was going to be something totally different.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I’m here! I’m sorry Kristen, but for some reason I had to work today and it delayed my usual blog reading.
Okay - my comment:
1) Isn’t it “sike?”
2) I don’t have much to offer because of my lack of vagina, but I do enjoy them a lot. Without them I would not be a very happy man, in fact, I wouldn’t be here at all. So here’s to vaginas!!!
May 20th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Hurray for Chris! Nothing like a man who appreciates where he came from. So, let’s all raise our fruity vodka drinks together and toast our vaginas! *clink*
May 20th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
stoogepie, that’s not a picture of a “train wreck…” that’s actually my wife’s vulva! have some fucking taste, man!
it may come as a surprise to the internets, but kristen actually had very little trouble being the good girl during her pregnancy. i think it comes down to motivation and there was no way in hell she was going to anything to tempt fate. (she’s good like that. selfless to a fault, sometimes.)
now, girlfriend doesn’t have a blog–yet–but she DOES have her own domain name (thanks, daddy!). it’s http://charlottezoe.com of course. and if you click on it, you’ll get redirected to her flickr gallery (thanks again, daddy!).
she can’t read very well yet–still in the letters only stage–so i can safely tell you that we picked her up a neat little 1.3mp fisher-price digital camera for her birthday. perhaps i’ll make up a new flickr gallery just for HER shots so she can start winning some fans of her own…
and, for the record, i lurrrrrrrves me a good vagina. that’s how i know i’m not gay.. (not that there’s anything wrong with that.) in the immortal words of monty python, “sit on my face, and tell me that you love me!”
May 20th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
stoogepie- Basically it’s nine months of misery. When I got stressed out and I needed a drink but couldn’t have one, I broke out in hives instead. Me w/o alcohol is not. pretty.
rs27- And you liked your idea much better, didn’t you?
Chris- THANK GOD you’re ok! We’ve been worried sick about you. And sike? Really? I’ve never even seen that.
Lynne- CLINK!
Neth- That’s sooo cute! Her own flicker gallery. Love. that.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Ken, I meant nothing by my “train wreck” comment. As I said, your wife’s vulva looks entirely sexy. Still, I did not realize that this was an actual photograph of Crissy’s vulva. Now I think we are not hearing the entire story, since there are about twenty guys sitting on her vulva and a dozen or so standing off to the right.
Crissy, thanks so much for this opportunity to talk at length about your vagina. We should all get together and do this more often.
I want to hear what rs27 was thinking….
I went to http://charlottezoe.com and there it is! The first picture shows Girlfriend wearing her gangsta beanie! I like her in the catwoman costume and standing next to the scary short-dude statue, too!
May 20th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Fucking hell, there’s one picture in there where you guys look so damn normal. What was that? Our -neighbors-are-going-to-call-child-services-on-us-so -let’s-take-a-picture-proving-to-the-overworked -social-worker-that-we-don’t-have-a-porn-studio-set -up-in-our-basement day?
May 20th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Yippee!
I know but it the little things in life from which I derive the most pleasure.
May 21st, 2008 at 11:48 am
Soooo…I just checked out Girlfriend’s website. And, all I have to say is, How can you NOT have more kids? She’s the cutest little girl EVER. The blue eyes? Curly blond hair?
Sorry, had to get that mushiness out of my system…
May 28th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I keep meaning to swing by your blog more often. Your writing makes me laugh!
May 28th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
@Quirkee James: Why thank you! I tried to comment on your blog but I had a hard time. I was there. Sorry about Spidey turning out to be a drunk.