Fucked in the Eye

Last Sunday I woke up with a small bump under my right eye. I was mildly annoyed at its appearance but there’s not much I could do about it so I slapped a little spackle over it and moved on.

And then by Thursday this seemingly harmless bump turned into a raging red swollen Cyclopsian eye that threatened to eat the rest of my head. People at work kept looking at me, heads cocked to one side, saying “Do you have really bad allergies or something?”

“No. My eye’s fucked.”

And by Friday morn, the shit had gone viral for sure and there was no doubt it would require medical intervention.


So I rushed through my morning to be the first one through the door at The Urgent Care facility. Girlfriend and I arrived ten minutes before the place was scheduled to open only to find the waiting room already full of people including a teenage girl with The Plague Mono Typhoid Fever which she undoubtedly caught while making out with and perhaps having anal sex with the entire baseball team this past weekend (but don’t worry because she’s still a virgin), chatting away on her cell phone about getting her nails done for Prom. When I was in high school “getting your nails done” meant going to the drugstore and buying yourself a pack of Lee Press On Nails that inevitably fell off approximately 32.5 seconds later. But whatever. Times change.

I went up to the window to register and the nurse, or whatever those people wearing Winnie the Pooh scrubs are, asked me why I was there.
“My eye is all gross”
She looked at me and said “which one?”
Pointing to my eye, “Uh. My right one. See it? It’s all gross.”
“Have a seat and I’ll call you.”

We sat down and Girlfriend was remarkably well behaved and showed concern for each and every patient in the waiting room by loudly saying things like “Mommy, what’s wrong with that man’s face?” and “Mommy that woman is too big for the chair. She needs a big, big one! Silly woman! Ha, ha, ha, ha!”

Shut. up. before they throw their foreign person monkey diseases at us Girlfriend!

It was finally our turn and I answered all sorts of uncomfortable questions about my period and now I’m thinking I should have asked the nurse what my proper functions had to do with my eye being gross. And Girlfriend was good while we waited patiently for Dr. GoodDrugs to come and remove my bum peeper with what I imagined would be a rusty spoon or something like that.

The Doctor at this Urgent Care is notoriously pleasant and upbeat and you just know he’s tapping into the sample closet like a vampire in a blood bank a little bit and he’s not sharing. I choose to go to this particular one because I’m hoping he’ll OD on the happy, happy, happy and accidentally give me a little.

So far he’s been a selfish prick.

He took one look at my Cyclopsian eye and diagnosed me with The Blepharitis. This is not to be confused with The Tracoma which only poor people get in underdeveloped countries where they wash their faces with shitwater. That’s not the case here. I apparently rubbed my eye after touching something I’m allergic to, probably something at work, and it got irritated and infected.


So Dr. GoodDrugs gave me a prescription for some eye de-fucking serum and out and out refused to give me Oxycontin for the pain.

Such. terrible. pain. doctor.

He didn’t believe me, the wanker.

We went across the street to Target and dropped off the prescription and clearly the Target Pharmacist is brighter than the woman at The Urgent Care because he noticed my eye was fucked right away and promised to have the eye de-fucker ready ASAP. I appreciated that because being out in public looking like this

is not on my list of fun and sexy.

As it was I still had to do the groceries and you know Friday is my Italian Stallion day at the the deli counter right?

When I got home I began my treatments immediately. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be eaten alive by ravenous Alsatians than put stuff in my eyes. I have to use this stuff every 2-3 hours in both eyes, and it stings like a motherfucker and leaves things all blurry and so I about go into convulsions with every drop. My husband does it for me but I get in trouble because I blink so much in preparation for the stinging that he has to hold my eye open like this

to get the drops in.

Do you know what he did though? He spent the weekend carrying the eye de-fucking serum in his pocket so that it would stay warm and wouldn’t be so stingy.

I didn’t ask him to do it, he just did because he’s nice and because he knows I won’t do the drops unless he sits on my chest and holds my arms down with his knees helps me do them.

Anyway, my eye is feeling much better and the swelling and the itching and the burning have gone down considerably and maybe tomorrow I will look like a normal human and it will be time for some other minor, yet annoying malady to attack me.

Maybe it will even be the crotch rot.

We’ll see..

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  1. Great! You can’t see and I can’t hear – does that make us Helen Keller? My ears are all defunked from the airplane. I can’t wait to see you! I promise to be in a bad mood, per usual on Monday.

  2. We had to go to the clinic for bloodwork and Faryn got introduced to the “guy who’s throat got eaten by cancer so he needs a electric dildo to speak and sound like a robot.”

    I felt like we were in that commercial,

    C3PO: R2D2 you’ve found a cigarette

    R2D2: beep. beep. squeal!

    C3PO: Well I don’t think smoking makes you look grown up at all.


    feelin’ your waiting room pain!

    and who knew that Alsatians were so ravenous!?!

  3. couple of points:

    if you wanted something strong for the pain, you don’t need to ask a doctor. you know i have that liquid percocet, right? and you do know that percocet is a kissing cousin to oxycontin, right? all you had to do was ask and i’ll make all the badness go away. for a little while. then you’ll get constipated.

    i had to look up alsatian.

    if i’m going to go through the trouble of sitting on your chest and pinning your arms down i’m not reaching for the eyedrops.

    last but not least, you know i always think you’re gorgeous. even when you’re hideous.

  4. K. My comment didn’t publish the first time or something. What I said was…

    Do people line up at urgent care way before like camping out to buy concert tickets or something?

    Glad your eye is doing better! Still think your the Hottest Mommy Blogger!

  5. this is unfortunate, but common. my best friend had the blepher-whatever the hell its called in high school. i won’t tell you what happened to her but i will tell you she does still have both her eyes.

  6. Anytime people say “clinic,” I get this unsettled feeling in my stomach. As if you’re going to some temporary clinic set up in the desert of a third world country with flies landing on open wounds and malnourished children crying for food. It makes me feel very very sorry for you.

  7. Lynne- I’m right there with you on the bad mood.

    Rach- I meant the dog, not the peoples.

    Neth- Alsatian is another word for German Shepard. I thought everyone knew that. Huh. And thank you for not running away in horror.

    Marie- People arrive at Urgent care at least 15 minutes before the door opens and they stand in line outside and practically trample the nurse when she opens the door. If anyone cuts the line the ambulance will have to come because there will be blood.

    Ashley- Thank Jesus they didn’t have to amputate!

    Nilsa- It’s actually a lot like that only we don’t have the flies.

  8. Ok, Buttercup. Because of you I’m SINGING the song in my brain, and will be all day—-I posted one of my ‘fave’ oldies on Chris’s blog too, and is THAT the one rattling endlessly around?? NOOOOOO it’s YOUR’S.

    Oh…..I’m sorry about the eye…I’ve not seen the pretty pictures, since they don’t load thru the filters at my work….but I’ll look tonight.

    Eye ick is a fear of mine since I exclusively wear contacts…..my glasses are from the 90’s and wouldn’t work in a public setting. Not at all. The multicolor tortise shell laquer over wire rims and LARGE frames and VERY THICK lenses just wouldn’t do.

  9. Awww–you don’t like Unchained Melody? I’m still singing “Buttercup” by the way. I was in the BATHROOM bouncing my head all around, singing in my brain “fill me up (fill me up), Buttercup”.

    I feel sad–Chris would SO not like me in real life…I talk too much, and I’m probably too big for that chair………*sigh*

  10. Oh my. I long to have a sty in my eye. I really do. And to have laryngitis. And I haven’t washed my hair in like seven days because I have curly hair and this doesn’t matter and because Steve moved the shampoo to the laundry room so Arch won’t get it and I keep forgetting to get the shampoo before my shower. So I just ride my bike for miles and I don’t wash my hair.

    All I’m saying is, I hope your eye feels better soon.

  11. With a fucked up you can still be Hottest Mommy Blogger. But day-um woman! Throw an eye patch on that thang and you the Hottest Pirate Blogger! I think I’d rather have that award.

    On another note, he battles your blinking eyes and puts the stingy stuff in his pocket to make it less stingy and you can’t give the man a simple statue in the front yard?

  12. I was expecting an entirely different post when I read the title. But I’m not disappointed. Well, a little disappointed, but not mournfully disappointed. However, if you do develop crotch rot next, think about how great the title for that blog will be!

    Don’t you take a camera with you everywhere? Why are there no pictures of the people in the waiting room? Particularly fucked-up-face man and too-big-for-the-chair woman.

    I’m with Your Pimp: I had to look up Alsatians. Wikipedia says it is, “A term for the German Shepherd Dog which was invented during World War I.” I read that and thought, “People invented dogs during WWI?!?” See how edumacational your blog is?

  13. Shelly- It’s as infectious as my eye, and possibly crotch rot. I’ll let you know.

    Kiala- I’m sorry you are hanged over, but it could be worse. It could be the crotch rot.

    Chris- Yes. You probably would be right there agreeing with her.

    Shelly- I’m sorry. I don’t like that song. And I’m sure Chris would like you in real life.

    Melissa- My sister in law doesn’t wash her curly hair either and the dirtier it gets, the better it looks. And yeah. I’ve always wanted laryngitis too.

    Dingo- Hey! Whose side are you on?

    Stoogepie- I’m sorry. I knew the title would disappoint someone.

    Jim- Does she have to sit on you? And don’t you like that?

  14. Ugh. I had blepheritis once before, too. NOT FUN. Especially shelling out $50 for a prescription of eye drops (and I didn’t even use half the bottle). Plus not being able to wear my contacts or any eye makeup? Real annoying. I know your pain, girl. I’m glad it’s getting better, though!

  15. Wait, no make-up?! Oh hell, no. My eye would just have to fall out.

    And just to defend myself, with your eye all fucked up, you wouldn’t even be able to see the statue. And once you’re healed, it comes down. That’s all I was sayin’.

  16. Jim- I figured.

    Lynne- I’ve never had laryngitis! I don’t even know how fun it is.

    Angela- I didn’t know my eyelashes were blond until I didn’t put mascara on for 3 days and all the buildup washed off and voila! Blond lashes.

    Dingo- Oh good. Because you were my friend first.

  17. I’ve been diagnosed with Blepharitis or whatever as well. Except I was told that by a Doogie Howser looking 12-year-old doctor and was told to just hold a warm towel to my eye for a while and it would clear up.


  18. Katie B.- Doogie was only half right. You need the drugs.

    Lynne- Thank you.

    Jesse- I don’t think it’s terminal. I hope it’s not anyway. Oh hell, what if it is! I forgot to ask!

    Megkathleen- Yeah, everyone just sort of laughed at her.

  19. *lays it out nice and easy for Crissy* He walks in to his wife fucking his friend. He snaps and kills them both. The last panel is him drenched in blood being taken to jail by a cop car. Maybe I should’ve made it more obvious but I’m knew at this and it’s hard work.

  20. Do you generally just compress what we say into one comment?

    I’m confused.

    Quote :Katie B.- Doogie was only half right. You need the drugs.

    Lynne- Thank you.

    Jesse- I don’t think it’s terminal. I hope it’s not anyway. Oh hell, what if it is! I forgot to ask!

    Megkathleen- Yeah, everyone just sort of laughed at her.

  21. Jesse- oh, I get it now. You were missing a whole frame of your comic.
    It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes even if it’s between knew and new.
    And yes, I wait until there are a bunch of comments and I respond to everyone all at the same time. It’s easier that way. You’ll see, grasshopper.

    And if you don’t know what movie grasshopper is from I’m going to kill myself because I am old and you are not.

  22. Okay that didnt work, I was trying to attach the you tube of Rachel from friends getting “help” from the rest of the friends with her eyedrops, it’s hilarious, but I cant’ get it to stick. whoops

  23. Dear Cyclops, I know what eye-shit is. Scary ain’t it? Glad to hear amputation wasn’t necessary. Regarding Urgent Care and the waiting room, it’s a scary place. Plague awaits you. Tape Girlfriend’s mouth. Having her comments must be exciting because you can wonder if a lunatic is there because antipsychotic drugs ran out, and you will be attacked.

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