Splendor in the Grass

May 16, 2008 on 6:30 am | In Nethy-poo, You're gonna shit when I tell you! |

Welcome to Crissy had the same nonsensical exchange with her husband last night like she always does which leads her to think that perhaps last week should have included Crissy tries killing reasoning with her husband instead of engaging in ludicrous discussions about stupid things with him.

Last night we were surveying our yard and all the hard work we’ve been doing and still have to do to make it look pretty-ful instead of god-awful like it is now.

Our clumps of dirt and weeds grass leaves much to be desired and we still need more plantings I think and I said as much to Mister and mind you Mister had just consumed a totally different kind of grass one beer when the following conversation ensued.

Mister: I think we need a statue right there.
Me: What? A statue of what?
Mister: I don’t know. Something powerful. Something that makes a statement.
Me: Like what?
Mister: What about a statue of me?
Me: A statue of you.
Mister: Yeah! I think it would be GREAT! You never see that. I don’t understand why nobody ever puts a statue of themselves in the front yard.
Me: You want to put a statue of you in the yard.
Mister: Yeah. Why not? It’s cool, man.
Me: I don’t think so.
Mister: People need to know who lives here!
Me: No they don’t.
Mister: Why? You never let me do what I want.
Me: That’s because what you want is stupid. You want stupid all the time.
Mister: Come on! Just picture it. A statue of me right there.
Me: You draw me a sketch and I’ll consider it (knowing full well I’d do no such thing)
Mister: That’s fine. You’ll see. It’s a great idea.
Me: Uh huh.

And so he gave me this:

What do you think Internets? Should we go for it?

Do you see what I have to put up with?

Do you see why the vodka and the klonopin?

Ps: Thank you to all the people who voted for me in the Hottest Mommy Blogger awards! Those of you who haven’t done it yet, please do. I hate to beg, but have you seen some of the people who are winning? NOT. HOT. Not that I think I’m anything great, but seriously it’s a fucking joke, and I refuse to lose to those dogs!

I’m running for President next and I’ll need your votes then too, so practice, practice, practice!

| |

31 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

I’m BAAAAAAAAACK! Hey honey! Missed you! First, thank you for the awesome guest blogging! Secondly, I vote yes on the statue. Third, congrats on the nomination! I’ll be sure to go vote. Marco Island was paradise and after what I came home to, I might be flying back later today!

Comment by Lynne — May 16, 2008 #
this whole post (statue included) gives the phrase “Keep Off the Grass” new meaning!

Comment by Rachel — May 16, 2008 #
Lemme tell you something about this Hottest Mommy Blogger thing. I started reading Dooce.com (#1 in votes as of a couple minutes ago) and I stopped reading her about a month later. She’s probably a great mother - that wasn’t my problem. But, she’s kind of sold her soul (and that of her family’s) to her blog. And that kind of rubs me the wrong way.

But, drinking too many margaritas and trying difficult yoga poses and falling smack on your face? There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, if you can do that, maintain your hotness AND be a mommy, YOU MOST DEFINITELY DESERVE THAT AWARD!!!

Comment by Nilsa S. — May 16, 2008 #
Lynne- Yea, yea, yea, welcome home, kiss kiss, WHAT DID YOU BRING ME?

Rach- Right?

Nilsa- Dooce seems to be queenoffuckingeverything and I really don’t think she should be winning this thing for all of the reasons you have given. And thank you for your endorsement. Let’s win this thing! GO TEAM!

God, I can be queer.

Comment by Crissy — May 16, 2008 #
Personally, I think that a statue of a Hot Mommy Blogger would be FAR mor appropriate, don’t you? Or Matthew McConaughey.

Comment by Shelly — May 16, 2008 #
I vote for my boyfriend, I mean Matthew, too.

Comment by Rachel — May 16, 2008 #
I say go for the statue. Totally cool (um, or something).

Just voted for you!

Comment by Marie — May 16, 2008 #
Did you get the title of this post from that Wordsworth poem? I just read it after I heard it at the end of Criminal Minds on Wednesday and put it up at my desk at work. Weird.

Comment by Meghan — May 16, 2008 #
You know, that doesn’t look like your front yard. I can’t really tell about the statue unless it’s in the front yard. Until then, I have no vote. Except, HELL YES!

I voted for you for Hottest Mommy Blogger. And encouraged my readers to do the same. I’m good. AND NOT JEALOUS AT ALL.

Comment by melissa lion — May 16, 2008 #
first of all, that doesn’t even almost resemble him. is that a police hat he’s wearing? we all think we’re brilliant when we consume…uh…the grass.

Comment by Ashley — May 16, 2008 #
Maybe we should start with antidoocebitch.com. And somehow hack into her system (her husband can’t be all that with maintaining her blog, right?) and redirect dooce.com to the antidoocebitch.com. And then shower her website with links to the new hottest website ever. And we can take pictures of her from her website and draw white coke dots around her nose (like Perez Hilton does with celebrities). And and and … oooh, can you tell it’s Friday and my mind is mush? Alright, I’ll shut up now. I have SOME self-control.

Comment by Nilsa S. — May 16, 2008 #
I brought you the best thing of all….. me! Maybe we should celebrate my homecoming with some library tomfoolery, eh? You in?

Comment by Lynne — May 16, 2008 #
Sounds like some of the ideas I come up with. Let the man have his statue. All he wants is a statue. He deserves to have a statue. Give the man a damn statue. Yes I realize I am not helping but I could not think of any other way to be difficult this morning. Blame Sy and Greg.

Comment by The Movie WHore — May 16, 2008 #
i see what you mean about that statue: it’s not nearly buff enough, and the endowment is pitiful.

i had to make do with what i had. do you know how much a real bronze statue costs? not something to “try out.”

Comment by Crissy's Pimp — May 16, 2008 #
Shelly- I completely agree. I just didn’t want to sound full of myself. You know?

Rach- I knew you’d be down with that!

Marie- Thank you! Kisses!

Meghan- Yeah. Sorry. But it does fit, right? I mean, he’s pretty…splendiferous.

Melissa- Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You have soooo nailed that threesome down. It was between you and Elizabeth Hurley. And you win!
And that is our front yard taken when we were looking at the place last year. Well, side front. We don’t have a front front to speak of.

Ashley- Yeah. He comes out with some GEMS.

Nilsa- You’re adorable. Even when you’re being evil, you’re still so darn likeable. Is there a Most Likable Blogger category I wonder?

Lynne- Wait until you see what I did to your office. NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN.

Jim- Damn you Sy and Greg!

Melissa- Uh. Maybe?

Neth- Yes, the endowments should be larger.

Comment by Crissy — May 16, 2008 #
Did you use the dildo kit to “enhance” that statue?

Comment by Dingo — May 16, 2008 #
I am totally with Ken on this one. That is such an awesome idea that I am going to propose this to Ari and see what she thinks.

Ken - a brilliant, brilliant idea man.

Comment by chris — May 16, 2008 #
A statue in the front yard is why men are men. Women probably want flowers and pretty things. I say Nay! Statues for all!

Comment by rs27 — May 16, 2008 #
I vote yes to the statue, too! Except that it needs a bigger dick and the statue itself needs to be much bigger as well. It should tower over the house. The statue’s dick, I mean.

Also, any chance of making the statue a fountain?

Comment by stoogepie — May 16, 2008 #
Dingo- No. It’s all natural.

Chris- It does not surprise me that you’d be on board with this idea.

rs27- What if we compromise and plant flowers around the bottom of the statue?

stoogepie- Yes we can make it a fountain, but only if it shoots ice cream from the penis. Deal?

Comment by Crissy — May 16, 2008 #
Ummm…Wow? I think definitely, who doesn’t love statues?

You were going for a Village People look right? Because it REALLY reminded me of the Biker Village Dude.

Comment by Megkathleen — May 16, 2008 #
I would be totally into the huge ice cream fountain! Vanilla, of course. Anything else would be too weird.

Comment by stoogepie — May 16, 2008 #
Megkathleen- We think alike because that’s exactly what it makes me think of.

stoogepie- Oh, well of course Vanilla. That goes without saying.

Comment by Crissy — May 16, 2008 #
Melissa said it was OK if I posted from her profile.

Key Points to address:

1. Your husband is a genius & I am totally stealing his idea.

2. Oh! In case you’re wondering, this is Mr. Steve.

3. Your husband is more than welcome to steal the design changes I’ve made for my own personal lawn monument (which looks just like his, except it has my face, is on my lawn and pees fire).

Comment by melissa lion — May 17, 2008 #
Mr. Steve- I’m looking forward to seeing a picture of your monument even though I think you need to get some medicine for yours. Peeing fire is a sure sign that something is terribly, terribly wrong.

Comment by Crissy — May 17, 2008 #
Hah; don’t worry, I won’t forget you…. that is, until I no longer need you. *bwahahaha*

Comment by Jesse — May 17, 2008 #
Oh my god, I know. When he told me that, I said, uhhhh I don’t think that’s a good monument. Like maybe peeing bullets or something. But you know guys… they never listen.

Comment by melissa lion — May 18, 2008 #
Could we get a statue of you in there too? Dueling statues? And we could vote on hottest blogger statue? If yes, then I’m for it.

Comment by Megan — May 18, 2008 #
Damn! He’s so hot. A statue is definitely needed.

Comment by Grammy — May 18, 2008 #
Jesse- You are an evil boy.

Melissa- Bullets would be sooo much better than fire. I still think ice cream is the best idea. Can you picture that…all the neighborhood children coming over for soft serve.

Megan- I don’t see why we can’t do that. I think it’s a good idea.

Mom- Hands off! He’s mine!

Comment by Crissy — May 18, 2008 #
grammy–let’s keep it in the family. i’ll call you later.

Comment by Crissy's Pimp — May 19, 2008 #