I realize that I’m going backwards here, and I should have started with my morning and today should be my afternoon and tomorrow my night but I didn’t have time to take any pictures of my morning yesterday so you’re just going to have to rearrange my days in your head.
I know you can do it Internets.
I’m a little disorganized this week and I think it’s because I’m off the booze because it was making me gain weight and we simply cannot have that because we are going on vacation soon and society tells me I must look good in my green and white polka dot bikini with the little ruffles that frame my boobies so very nicely.
This is almost exactly the same as mine but mine’s got the dainty ruffles I was telling you about and Yes! I am that tan and I always put my hands in my hair like that when I’m in the water just like this girl does. We’re practically twins!
Anyway my mornings…what do I do?
First I drink this
because I cannot do yoga unless I poop and I cannot poop unless I drink the coffee.
After the coffee and the pooping comes the yoga for one hour
(You’ll notice that Alice is sleeping peacefully on the couch and not cowering underneath it like with the hip-hop. Everyone is happiest when mommy does the yoga.)
with Sadistic Bitch Kristin McGee.
I thought that us having the same name would mean she wouldn’t kick my ass all over my living room, but no. It makes her hate me.
Or I like Pompous Yogi Baron Baptiste’s Power Yoga Soul of Strength.
I used to be able to do that pose, (I did so!) but I fell on my face on a tile floor while drunkenly showing off my slick move and now I can’t do it anymore. Mental problems.
Don’t do Raven Pose drunk.
Or sometimes Bryan Kest’s Power Yoga for Intermediates.
He looks very serious here and that’s because he has a tewibule speech impediment and that makes him sad. I know that’s not nice to say, but he DOES.
“Downward dog posisssin.”
There are several others but these are my faves. I hate it when people say faves. It’s FA-VO-RITE!
Fave is not a word.
Then I shower, and I’m not showing you a picture of me in the shower because you cannot handle it, and then I get dressed, and then I eat this
because you shouldn’t neglect your colon if you want to poop before yoga in the A.M.
And I feed this,
those are ORGAINC pop tarts so shut. up. they’re healthy for her!
And I pack my lunch which I don’t have a picture of but trust me it’s all roughage, you know, for the pooping.
And I drive to work in this:
See? Not scary.
And I understand these:
They’re very simple.
And I’m totally brilliant at shifting with this.
And I listen to these people:
Are you physically turned on by Cake? I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be, but if that didn’t do it for you, check this out:
How about now? Do you want Cake now?
And I just want something sweeter.
And then I arrive at work and you know what sort of shit goes down over there and then I come home and I already told you about what happens at night, so we put the movie in and yada, yada, yada I fall asleep soon afterward and the whole thing starts over again in the morning.
I don’t know what I’m going to tell you about tomorrow now.
It’ll be a surprise for us all.
PS: Go see Chris and vote for him. He’s been nominated for best humor blog. Click on the thing at the top right of his page and give our friend the recognition he deserves!