Waking Up with Crissy!

I realize that I’m going backwards here, and I should have started with my morning and today should be my afternoon and tomorrow my night but I didn’t have time to take any pictures of my morning yesterday so you’re just going to have to rearrange my days in your head.

I know you can do it Internets.

I’m a little disorganized this week and I think it’s because I’m off the booze because it was making me gain weight and we simply cannot have that because we are going on vacation soon and society tells me I must look good in my green and white polka dot bikini with the little ruffles that frame my boobies so very nicely.

See? Cuteness.

This is almost exactly the same as mine but mine’s got the dainty ruffles I was telling you about and Yes! I am that tan and I always put my hands in my hair like that when I’m in the water just like this girl does. We’re practically twins!

Anyway my mornings…what do I do?

First I drink this

because I cannot do yoga unless I poop and I cannot poop unless I drink the coffee.

After the coffee and the pooping comes the yoga for one hour

(You’ll notice that Alice is sleeping peacefully on the couch and not cowering underneath it like with the hip-hop.  Everyone is happiest when mommy does the yoga.)


with Sadistic Bitch Kristin McGee.

I thought that us having the same name would mean she wouldn’t kick my ass all over my living room, but no. It makes her hate me.

Or I like Pompous Yogi Baron Baptiste’s Power Yoga Soul of Strength.

I used to be able to do that pose, (I did so!) but I fell on my face on a tile floor while drunkenly showing off my slick move and now I can’t do it anymore. Mental problems.

Don’t do Raven Pose drunk.

Or sometimes Bryan Kest’s Power Yoga for Intermediates.

He looks very serious here and that’s because he has a tewibule speech impediment and that makes him sad. I know that’s not nice to say, but he DOES.

“Downward dog posisssin.”

There are several others but these are my faves. I hate it when people say faves. It’s FA-VO-RITE!

Fave is not a word.

Then I shower, and I’m not showing you a picture of me in the shower because you cannot handle it, and then I get dressed, and then I eat this


because you shouldn’t neglect your colon if you want to poop before yoga in the A.M.

And I feed this,


those are ORGAINC pop tarts so shut. up. they’re healthy for her!

to this:


And I pack my lunch which I don’t have a picture of but trust me it’s all roughage, you know, for the pooping.

And I drive to work in this:


See? Not scary.

And I understand these:


They’re very simple.

And I’m totally brilliant at shifting with this.


And I listen to these people:

Are you physically turned on by Cake? I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be, but if that didn’t do it for you, check this out:

How about now? Do you want Cake now?

Not that I don’t like Chris’s people because I do, but I’m not always in the gansta mood.

And I just want something sweeter.

And then I arrive at work and you know what sort of shit goes down over there and then I come home and I already told you about what happens at night, so we put the movie in and yada, yada, yada I fall asleep soon afterward and the whole thing starts over again in the morning.

I don’t know what I’m going to tell you about tomorrow now.

It’ll be a surprise for us all.


PS: Go see Chris and vote for him. He’s been nominated for best humor blog. Click on the thing at the top right of his page and give our friend the recognition he deserves!

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  1. Good Morning Crissy! My morning consists of:
    1.coffee…for all the reasons you listed and the fact that I have a nasty caffeine addiction.

    2.read your blog…because I heart you.

  2. Wait, isn’t that bikini girl the same one as the bra girl with something in her eye? Are you stalking her? First her bra, then her bikini, what’s next? Her cracked out eye?

  3. I too need the caffeine. On a continuous basis. I think I need to adopt your healthy fiber diet too so as to be more consistent with the water closet (otherwise know as bathroom).

    And p.s. I voted for Chris!

  4. Rach- I heart you too, man!

    Dingo- God No! That bitch is stalking ME! And you know what’s weird is my right eye is all fucked up today. It’s all watery and red and shit. I think she’s trying to infect me!

    Marie- I highly reccommend the Fiber One cereal. And thanks for voting!

  5. I need to do the yoga.

    And ditto about exercise after the pooping. This is why I can’t work out at 5 am. It’s just not going to happen until after 7.

    Um, I love Chris, but why wasn’t I nominated for best humor blog?


    I’m sad.

  6. ditto on the coffee and the pooping. i actually consume mine on my long commute and then have to um…relieve myself first thing when i get in. my coworkers love the way i greet them in the morning.

  7. Chris- Of course you can call her Girlfriend. And you’re welcome.

    Melissa- I really get into the zone, don’t I?

    Kiala- I’m sad about not being nominated too. I know I’d never win, but it’s nice to be nominated. Someone should nominate us. ARE YOU LISTENING INTERNET?

    Neth- Done. I’ve got a whole year to figure out how to do it.

    Jim- Yeah. It sort of does explain some things.

    Ashley- Oh that sucks! I would hate that.

  8. the cake–get a package of snowballs for the boobs and decorate…even better if you can find them coconut free! 🙂

  9. Arielle- I guess I know she’s there and so I have no trouble spotting her. She’s so good. She gets out of bed and follows me down to the living room and takes her spot to keep me company.

    Rach- You missed your calling. That’s exactly how to do it. I’m sort of excited to make that cake now. Do you think it would be inappropriate for Chari’s birthday?

  10. You could put a (full-coverage) green and white bikini top on it, with body of course, and have a pic of Chari in the hands??

    Oh! Maybe MY Super Power lies in creating obscene birthday cake props out of ordinary objects! But what would my name be???

    “There’s no need to fear, Genital Pastry Girl is here…”

    umm, needs work.

  11. Does anything happen after the animation? And it is wrong that I am getting motion sickness while staring at the screen trying to work out if it is a loop or you have been doing it for the last 18 minutes without breaking in to a sweat?

  12. look at you with the video doing yoga! how savvy of you to be able to include such a thing. i flip out and turn to vodka at the mere thought of even getting signed into wordpress!

  13. I am physically turned on by cake. All cake is sexy. We have all been to a bakery and looked at a particularly inviting, especially enticing cake and thought, “What a whore you are, cake! You come on to everyone like that!” Then we buy it.

    I think you need to post a clip of yourself doing, or at least attempting to do, the Raven Pose. You can’t just let it beat you. You know the old saying: if you fall off of a horse, you need to get right back on it (unless you have some faster way of getting to a hospital).

  14. Rach- Flying Fondant Femme?…mine needs work too.

    Sy- Are you kidding? It’s a loop. I’d die if I had to keep doing that.

    brookem- I have help in the form of computer geek husband or I’d be hitting the vodka too.

    rs27- See? Once you start you can’t stop!

    stoogepie- I like to get naked and roll around in cake. I’ve tried to do Raven pose since then and can only get one foot off the floor. But I try! That’s good, right?

  15. I too am brilliant with shifting with one of those. It’s 2008 (right?), it should not be all complicated to make your car move forward on an incline.

  16. I was studying your yoga moves and I was wondering if you cleaned your living room before the blog pictures were taken, or if your living room is always that clean or if you have a small Thai girl who comes to do it. You know there is only one correct answer right?

  17. Ruffles are hot! As are polka dot bikinis…but is giving up booze worth it? Let me know!

    I’m with you on the Raven pose I tried to do it last weekend and fell flat on my face. Luckily, I was not traumatized because I was on a grass field.

  18. Megan- They have something called “hill hold” on some cars now that would potentially make it possible to do it. I don’t know though.

    Melissa- What you see there is the clean half. It’s always like that because the only one who uses it is me for yoga. The other half of the room? CHAOS. That’s where we keep the toys. God I wish I had a small Thai girl! (So does Ken, but for other reasons)

    Megkathleen-I didn’t exactly give it up completely…more like cut back.

    Jess- Welcome! And thank you!

  19. I knew I was off yesterday. But, I couldn’t figure out why. Now I know. I WORKED and didn’t CRISSY yesterday. Gah! Let the world be right today. Because I get to read TWO posts instead of ONE. THANK THE LORD, girlfriend, you make my world right!

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