It’s Crissy Does the Same Shit As Always Week!

Weeee!

Theme weeks are fun, Right!?

It’s so much easier for me to be picking a theme and going with it for the week than always having to come up with something random to talk about because as you know, I’m not very good at switching gears. After last week of trying new things I’ve run clean out of vodka and Klonopin and considering my anxiety issues and the fact that Lynne is not at work this week (!), I think I ought to just take a break from the new stuff and go back to my comforting old routines before I have to put my therapist on speed dial or I start peeing my pants again because Crissy is a creature of habit and does not take change well.

Ever.

But DON’T WORRY because it won’t matter to you Internets since my daily routines have yet to be disclosed, so it’s all new stuff to you anyway. And I also think you’ll like it because I’m quite fascinating, really, and the stuff I do that I think of as normal and routine will freak your freak because it is so sexy and so glamorous you will be the one who needs the vodka and the Klonopin and not me at all.

So today I think we’ll talk about what Crissy does after work.

5:30 pm- Arrive home. Turn volume down on stereo as I am unable to pull car into the garage with the stereo on.
5:32 pm- Attempt to get through the door with 1 tote full of books, 1 lunchbox, 1 giant purse, 1 American Breast Cancer Society Travel mug, and 1 little dog scratching the shit out of my leg.
5:33 pm- kiss baby and husband hello and attempt to micromanage the dinner husband is making until I get yelled at and kicked out of the kitchen.
5:45 pm- Go upstairs to remove motherfucking torture device bra. Hate. bras. Damn you society for making me wear one!!!! Damn you all to hell!
6:00 pm- Eat dinner made by Mister if it’s a day I worked a full day.
6:30 pm- Clean up dinner.
6:45 pm- Say goodnight to baby and write blog post for next day while Daddy reads baby stories and puts her to Bedfordshire. He always does it because she only wants him and “not you mommy! “
7:20 pm- Go to bed and watch Inside Edition.
7:30 pm- Consider blogging about Inside Edition.
7:30.5 pm- Decide not to.
7:45 pm- Look at pile of books on my nightstand.
7:45.5- Feel overwhelmed by it.
7:45.8- Decide not to do that either.
8:00 pm- Put any one of my favorite movies into the DVD player:

Dude Where’s my whore?
An American in Panties
Who Fucked Roger Rabbit?
Midnight Fuckboy
Rebel Without a Cock
Schindler’s Fist
Saving Ryan’s Privates
How Harry Fucked Sally
Last Dildo in Paris
How Green Was My Pussy?
The Pubic Enemy
The Harder They Cum

Not Really.

I usually either watch Ghost Hunters, The Deadliest Catch, Ugly Betty, Ghost Whisperer, or Moonlight and then I go to sleep.
(What? we only have basic cable OKAY?)

Except for on those special nights.

THEN I watch the porn.

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26 comments

  1. Oh, yeah…we could SOOO be bff’s! I can’t do ANYTHING in the car (park in a parking lot, pull into the garage, back up) with the stereo blaring. It MUST BE QUIET. It also must be quiet when I’m trying to FIND someplace….you know in case the street signs speak to me.

    Ghost Hunters is my favorite show. It’s less creepy when drinking some sort of alcoholic beverage. It’s easier to watch things randomly move and feel, you know, RELAXED about it, and maybe my husband won’t have to spend half the night roaming the house investigating every noise I hear.

    I, however, am lazy, and leave all my shit in the car and make my teenage sons fetch it for me when I feel the need to have something that I left. I’m training them early so they’ll go for more on the black market.

  2. Rach- What can I say? He’s a really good kisser. I forgot to add the part when I try to micromanage the dinner preparations and get kicked out of the kitchen. I went back and added that in. We aim for accuracy here.

    Shelly- I cannot concentrate with the radio on. AT. ALL. WTF is that about?

    Ghost Hunter is my favorite too. They’re just so dorky it makes me love them. I get really freaked out though and have nightmares, so I have to cool it a little bit and maybe not watch it all night. Did you see the one in the Mt. Washington Hotel when the Princess in the Princess Room actually answerd their questions on the EVP? EEEEKKKK! That one even gave my husband goose bumps!

    And I’m going to start training mine to do the same stuff as soon as she’s big enough. I think 3 1/2 should be old enough to start. Don’t you?

  3. Just the other night, Sweets and I were wondering, WHO THE HELL WATCHES GHOST WHISPERER AND WHY THE HELL IT’S STILL ON TV?!?! Now we have our answer.

  4. OMG! We have the same movies! Wanna come over for movie night? No need to find a babysitter, I have movies for Girlfriend as well. Alice in Cumderland and The Golden Compiss should keep her occupied.

    I’m not going to bash Ghost Whisperer but, my God Crissy, Ghost Hunter? Those guys spend half the show running around with mysteriously broken equipment jumping at shadows and scared of orbs, oh, I’m sorry, “ghosts” in their polaroids. Not that I’ve watched it or anything. I’m just guessing.

  5. Your DVD collection is fantabulous!

    Here’s my routine post-work (I know you’re dying to know):
    5:30-6pmish get home and switch tv on
    6:02ish lay on couch
    6:03ish fall asleep
    Am I a bum or what?

  6. Neth- I know. You are decidedly anti-bra. Who can blame you considering your past experiences with them.

    Nilsa- Yes. They keep it on for me. It’s true. Rachel makes fun of me for watching it too. She’s says it’s an “old person TV show.”
    And I say “what’s your point?”

    Dingo- Wow. You’re a good guesser. Ghost Hunter is a good show! I love them for their dorkyness and I think I also feel a sense of loyalty because they’re based 40 minutes from my house. They’re on tonight you know. Just in case you want to see how right you are about them.

    Marie- If I could fall asleep at 6 ish I would. Trust me. Damn kid gets in the way of everything!

  7. I think I saw Last Dildo in Paris….great film.

    agree about bras. i wish i could get away with not wearing one but it would be decidedly inappropriate. blah.

  8. You know that sounds like a comforting routine. I am a slave to my routines. Always have been. I am lost without them.

    I think I own a few of those titles. You are missing Strap-on Wars Episode Titles 1 The Phantom Penis, 2 Attack of the Dildo, 3 Revenge of the Dicks, 4 A new whole, 5 The latex strikes back, 6 Return of the real dick.

    This is what happens when I am still on my first cup of coffee and I read your blog.

  9. It is sad that, due to nasty lawsuits, almost all the good porn titles have gone away. I think the last good ones were Poke ‘er Man and Big Trouble in Little Vagina. Now they all have lame titles like Bowlin’ In Her Colon and Airtight Granny. Of course, those are the couples flicks.

    I don’t wear bras either. But if you feel that you have to wear a bra, I suggest you check out the Winerack. http://www.thebeerbelly.com/winerack.asp. It’s wholesome beverage fun for the whole family.

  10. Melissa and I were talking about we both barely manage to make it into the door before the bra, shirt, and jeans come off and the pajamas and tank tops go on.

    I don’t understand people on tv who wear real clothes in the house all the time. It makes me feel like a failure as a human being.

  11. 1) i still dont understand the big purse thing with the ladies…perhaps one day you can explain this to me…

    2) schindler’s fist…that makes me laugh…for some reason i think of the jackhammer Anal Intruder with fist attachment. Bonus points if anyone knows what comedy movie this is from

    3) I have a cousin who is one of the investigators in training on Ghosthunters…can you guess which one?

    4) ps stoogepie i hit up your site the other day…hjobs was hilarious! i will have to visit more often

  12. Ashley- I find myself wearing a lot of the supportive tank top things, but those aren’t for every occasion because then you have the nipple factor to worry about.

    Jim- Return of the real dick! Ha, ha, ha!

    Stoogepie- My husband would love me soooo much more if I had that bra! Oh, and… Airtight Granny?

    Chris- That’s why we call them “special.”

    Neth- mine too.

    Kiala- YES! EXACTLY! And Melissa too? I’m so glad I’m not the only failure of a human being.

    Aznman- 1) big purse is necessary for carrying spare panties, pants, and socks in case the baby has an accident in her pants. I also need my coupons, wallet, snack for baby, tampons, cell phone, sunglasses, car keys, lip gloss, hand sanitizer, barrettes, and about 50 million other necessary items. Is that helpful?

    2) No clue.

    3) OMG!!! CAN YOU GET ME HIS AUTOGRAPH?????

    4)Everyone needs to go see stoogepie!

  13. A husband that cooks? How did you manage to train him to do that?
    But yes, the off with the radio thing in the garage. Me too. When I get in the car after my wife drove I have one hand turning the key to start the other on the radio to turn it down, seems she likes full blast all the time.

  14. I for one am so relieved that you’re off trying new things. That was making me feel like a failure of a human being. All the thoughts about whether I should be trying new things were creeping in, and I was breaking out in hives. Your routine comforts me.

  15. I rarely ever wear real clothes anymore. This morning I had to wear jeans because I needed to go out into the world and when I got home, I thought I might just leave them on. Then I saw a pair of sweatpants on the bedroom floor. It’s like they were waiting for me.

  16. JoeInVegas- It’s simple. If he doesn’t cook, he doesn’t eat. And you have that problem too?

    Megan- I feel better too. Thank God that is over!

    Neth- You and stoogepie are going to be bffs.

    Arielle- I know. I see those sweet, sweet yoga pants and they just look so good. Jeans can suck it.

    Megkathleen- We only watch that one when we’re feeling dangerous.

    Melissa- Mine too. That is why I want to be a writer.

    rs27- I’m so glad you asked! We only use it on the most special-est of evenings. I’d tell you more but it would blow your mind.

  17. Hey the deadliest catch guy is a local here in my neck of the woods, and I hear from a distant family member that his sister married my cousin, small world.

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