Remedial Gift Giving for Boys

May 13, 2008 on 6:28 am | In About nothing, really, Go sell crazy somewhere else!, Nethy-poo |

Today was going to kick off Crissy Does The Same Shit As Always Week and I had something all ready for you, but yesterday’s discussion of gifts and the seemingly rampant gift giving jackassery presented itself and I felt it demanded my immediate attention.

Let me explain some things to you about me that may or may not extend to the rest of my gender but I don’t care too much because I’m the most important woman in your life and besides I think I’m a fairly good representative of our sex anyway.

Like most of the ladies out there I saw the movie Pretty Woman and loved it. I’d be willing to bet my favorite glass dildo and a bottle of gin new Mother’s Day trees that it’s on every lady’s list of favorites. Somewhere. No matter how much my feminist side wants to reject it, the truth is is that I bought into the fairy tale long before I knew what a feminist was and I so want to be Vivian and I so want Mister to be Edward.

I just can’t help myself.

So my first piece of advice to you boys is to watch the movie and LEARN SHIT FROM RICHARD GERE. Except for the part when he tries to throw her out of the hotel for flossing strawberry seeds out of her teeth. That part wasn’t so good. You shouldn’t neglect your gums. It doesn’t hurt if you look like him either although he’s sort of getting a little old looking now but I like it on him. What’s the male equivalent of a Cougar? Anyone know?

Anyway, my point is is that when you buy me a gift, I want to be swept off my feet because to me, and pay attention here you boys who are good at math,

good gift = true love.

And I’m no Paris fucking Hilton or some such monster, it’s not about the amount of money spent or the luxuriousness of the item. It’s about how well it suits me and it’s that you’ve been listening to me and there’s nothing more important to a woman than to feel like she’s being heard. If the gift sucks, you haven’t been paying attention. It’s that simple.

I could go through a whole huge list of stuff about what is and what isn’t a good gift, but that would just be my opinion and I don’t want to speak for everyone. Even though I am. What I’m saying is that one woman’s Dyson dream come true is another woman’s divorce papers so a good rule of thumb is to proceed with extreme caution when purchasing gifts of a practical nature.

For example, if you’re considering purchasing this garden hose nozzle

which I actually got for my birthday one year, ask yourself this question “is this really for her or is it more for the household?” and consider the answer carefully because if you get it wrong you’re fucked.

Just ask my husband what if feels like to get hit with one of these bad boys.

And don’t stop off at the grocery store on the way home the night of her birthday to pick up a cheap bouquet of some tired looking flowers. Flowers are an accompaniment to a gift and not the gift itself. Nobody wants a bouquet of flowers for her birthday.

I could go on, but you guys have already started considering how improving your gift giving might increase your chances for a “thank you” blow job and now that’s all you can think about. I know what it’s like to be a dude. I had a penis for 20 minutes, remember?

So here’s a review for the ones who like it quick and dirty:

Gift Giving Rules for Boys

1. Watch Pretty Woman and learn. Take notes if you have to.
2. PAY ATTENTION TO HER. I know her voice sounds to you like Charlie Brown’s teacher, but stop thinking about porn for five seconds and listen because she’s probably been telling you what she wants and don’t pretend you don’t tune her out because I see you, playa.
3. Use extreme caution when considering gifts of a practical nature.
4. Do not expect a “thank you” blow job. This occasion is about her and you might want to just be there for her. And if you don’t know what I mean by that, you don’t deserve her.
5. Flowers are not a gift in and of themselves. If you don’t want some daisies shoved up your ass then don’t buy them.

Any questions?

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21 Comments »

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Amen sistah. Amen!

Comment by Marie — May 13, 2008 #
hmmm…pay attention, listen, stop thinking with your hoo-hoo…while this is great gift-giving advice, I think that it translates to a bigger life lesson.

Let’s sum it all up for the boys in one sentence for them to think about when shopping for their honey:

If I received this as a gift, would I give a blow job as a thank you?

If the answer is no, rest assured, we won’t either. The End.

Comment by Rachel — May 13, 2008 #
Isn’t it more like “if you get it wrong you’re not fucked?”

Comment by Dingo — May 13, 2008 #
I remember we got my mom an iron one year for Mother’s Day. My dad has yet to live it down. I think that’s why he does such a nice job of buying her jewelry these days. Because he’s still paying her back for that HUGE mistake!

Comment by Nilsa S. — May 13, 2008 #
You know what movie is my ideal relationship movie? The Bourne Identity. If you’re not willing to stab a guy in the arm with a bic pen for me, well then you can just suck. it.

Also, do you think this post is too long to tattoo on the inside of Steve’s arm for future reference?

Comment by melissa lion — May 13, 2008 #
I think Tenacious D said it best here:

And then you say hey I bought you flowers
And then you say wait a minute sally
I think I got somethin in my teeth
Could you get it out for me
That’s fuckin teamwork
Whats your favorite posish?
That’s cool with me
Its not my favorite
But I’ll do it for you
Whats your favorite dish?
Im not gonna cook it
But ill order it from Zanzibar

Comment by Kiala — May 13, 2008 #
Bitter much?

I bet that hose waters stuff like a beast now!

Well done Ken.

Also, why is it that women associate good gifts with love? We don’t do that. I could care less, just buy me something that I ask you for. Done.

Women think waaaayyyyyy too much.

Comment by chris — May 13, 2008 #
Marie- Right.

Rach- Excellent summary.

Dingo- That is a very, very good point and it makes me want to go back and change it. But I won’t.

Nilsa- AN IRON? Yeah. He’d better repent for that shit.

Melissa- Just tattoo the numbered list on his arm. It’s a quick reference guide.

Kiala- Tenacious D! Well done. I completely forgot about that song.

Chris- I am not bitter.

Comment by Crissy — May 13, 2008 #
A garden hose nozzle and a bra! You are the luckiest woman ever. How many dials on the nozzle? Thats a very important question.

Ok, so I need to hire a prostitute and lavish her with gifts on Rodeo drive.

Got it.

Comment by rs27 — May 13, 2008 #
Can you recommend a movie besides Pretty Woman? My penis does not like that movie. My penis likes Melissa’s idea of the Bourne Identity. Also, I think I was the only person watching, but in the HBO series Rome, there is a scene where Atia is giving a slave as a gift and she says, “a large penis is always appreciated.” Perfect! A penis makes a good gift all by itself! Maybe a penis with flowers, since flowers are not a good gift in and of themselves.

If the penis and flowers are not enough, can you recommend some non-functional sloppy-blowjob-inspiring gifts? I can only think of jewelry, but I think jewelry salespeople see me coming and say to one another, “Hurry! Dig out the Expensive Pieces Of Crap Nobody Will Ever Wear tray! He’s On his way over!” And that’s at Costco.

Comment by stoogepie — May 13, 2008 #
Have you seen the new mom’s day commercial? the one where mom spends the day letting her kids torture her with bad hair and nails and then they say “look mom I got you diamond earrings” and she says “you did?” like their gonna give her a picture of diamond earrings then they whip out the box with the real thing in it and she says “YOU DID!” and then tears up? why don’t they watch that shit? ’cause I teared right up too! and it was just a commercial.

Comment by denise — May 13, 2008 #
Ok, here is where I am officially weird. I’m not a gift lover or a jewlery lover or anything……and really, I’m not very romantic and lovey dovey. I also control the remote at my house. Does this make me a guy?

Oh, maybe my redeeming girly quality is PURSES AND TOTES. I can’t resist…I love them. A gift of a purse (that I like….don’t switch it up and buy something you think is MORE appropriate), would be sex worthy…….

Comment by Shelly — May 13, 2008 #
Correct Stoogepie - a penis is an excellent gift. Just remember to put it in a box!

My boyfriend is such a girl because I think he would connect with this post more than I did. It was quite funny, but I am easily pleased: You gave me a frying pan?! Blow job time!

Comment by Megkathleen — May 13, 2008 #
rs27- Yes and her name must be Vivian and you must be driving a Lotus at the time.

stoogepie- Jewelry is overrated. I can’t believe I just said that.

Denise- It’s the jewelry people who got us into this mess.

Shelly- So all it takes is a Coach and you’re on your knees?

Megkathleen- I don’t mind practical gifts as long as it’s something I want.

And everyone should go check out stoogepie’s blog. It’s really good.

Comment by Crissy — May 13, 2008 #
Megkathleen this one’s for you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwbxEfy7fg

Comment by Rachel — May 13, 2008 #
Sorry, hints are not enough. Make up a list, something like ‘Jarrod’s Spring catalog, page 14 item 5′. And put a bunch of things on the list, so that you can be surprised about which one we got, not how stupid we were not to READ YOUR MIND! Guys cannot read minds, or be forced to pay attention. Be happy he got you something that took advanced work. And it was the right size. (and you aren’t his mother anyway)

Comment by JoeInVegas — May 13, 2008 #
Bah

Pretty Woman is pure fiction…

I believe they meet when Richard Gere stops and ask Julia Roberts for directions to his hotel

No male would EVER stop and ask for directions

then again…perhaps you are right…maybe i

should learn that it IS ok to ask for directions….

nah…

Comment by aznman — May 13, 2008 #
Rach- BRAVO!

JoeInVegas- I’M THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD! That qualifies because being the mommy is very hard and it deserves some recognition from my partner. I totally don’t buy the “your not his mother” bullshit.

Aznman- Ken asks for directions and apparently so does Richard Gere. Admit when you’re lost and Julia Robers will fuck you.

Comment by Crissy — May 13, 2008 #
Do not expect a “thank you” blow job.

That’s a mans Birthday present.

Comment by The Movie WHore — May 13, 2008 #
Jim- Steak and blow job night.

Comment by Crissy — May 13, 2008 #
That really is the most wonderful night of the year.

Comment by The Movie WHore — May 13, 2008 #