I don’t know how it is in your family, but holidays like Mother’s Day (Christmas, Valentines day, birthdays, Veteran’s Day, etc) are usually the cause of stress and there will probably be tears and a fight at some point. This is inevitable it seems as these fucking holidays are so full of pressure to be perfect that no human family could possibly live up to them.
I blame the jewelry people and the card people.
And yet I expect my husband not to give me something like this:
Which is what I got last year. In “buff.”
That’s it. Nothing else. Just the bra.
Close your mouth.
In his defense it was the correct style and size.
When my sister-in-law called to wish me happy Mother’s Day and find out what her dear brother did for me that was special and I told her about the bra she burst into hysterical laughter because she’s a good sister and that’s what siblings do when the other one fucks up royally. And now she calls him “bra giver.”
And we got into an epic fight over it and he was hurt because he thought he picked the perfect gift and he tried, really he did, but he fell short and I was hurt because he should have known better and if he really loved me he would have known that the minimum acceptable gift would have been the bra plus matching panty.
At. least.
So there were tears. And there was shouting. And things became airborne. Particularly a bra.
But Internets, I tried something new this year and I decided to just tell him what I wanted instead of making him guess and setting both of us up for another bad day.
So I said to get a babysitter for Saturday night,
(That’s my mom. Isn’t she cute?)
and make dinner reservations at The Trattoria Romana, a place with cloth napkins,
and to buy me too many of these so that I could be loud and inappropriate with the wait staff,
and for him to have vodka tonics,
and for me to have salmon with lobster meat on top to eat,
and for him to have linguini with clam sauce,
and I told him to buy me this Weeping Cherry tree,
and then plant it for me.
And my mother bought me 2 Forsythias and a Lilac tree to go along with it.
So it was a wonderful Mother’s Day this year and I suppose every day is Mother’s day for me in a way because Mister does nice things for me all the time. He makes my coffee in the morning, he holds my hair while I vomit Cosmopolitan gives me back rubs, and tells me every day that I’m a MILF.
So I’ll forgive him for past gift douchery.
I hope all you MILFS had a great Mother’s Day yesterday and I call you MILFS because I know that only MILFS read this blog and if you don’t know what a MILF is you probably aren’t one so go away.
I kid.
Oh, and hey! Speaking of MILFs Lynne gave me the keys to her blog while she’s away on vacation. I say we go over there, find her toothbrush, and take pictures of us cleaning the toilets with it.
(I’m actually funnier over there than I am here, if that’s even possible.)
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May 12th, 2008 at 5:59 am
I had a phenomenal Mother’s Day…even sans gift tutorial for Timmy. I was so impressed! I would tell you all about it here, but then this would become MY blog and as my name is not Crissy, that wouldn’t be very nice.
but I will call you later…:-)
May 12th, 2008 at 7:13 am
I too had a fabulous day—which consisted of doing NOTHING. Not a thing. Except grocery shopping, which I actually enjoy. I drank 2 peach martini things and drunkenly watched Survivor. My kind of night.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:23 am
But did you wear last year’s gift from bra giver to this year’s Mother’s Day dinner? And most importantly, when acting inappropriate, did the wait staff get to see it and laugh at the gift douchery?
May 12th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Oh, I forgot to say, that I’m not a MILF, but I do know what one is, so I guess I can keep reading your blog?
May 12th, 2008 at 7:30 am
One more thing, the model does not look like she’s too please with the bra either.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:34 am
I think the model may have something in her eye…
May 12th, 2008 at 8:33 am
i have thought of many gifts for my girlfriends in the past, but a bra has never been one of them - i think you’re right that at least he could have gotten the matching panties, for crying out loud.
ps - the last time i was at the trattoria, we waited almost 2 hours for our food. and i drank 2 bottles of wine before dinner. the result was not pretty.
May 12th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Rach- Hooray! You’re still alive!
Shelley- You ARE SO A MILF! At least the top half of your head looks good…
Dingo- Actually, I did wear it! It’s one of my favorites, but DON’T TELL HIM! The model looks sad because she knows that the bra doesn’t look as good on her as it does on me so she’s upset.
Rach- It really does look like that doesn’t it?
Ashley- We had reservations for 4:30 because it was all we could get!!! You cannot get into that place if you don’t have a reservation. 2 bottles of wine on an empty tummy? I assume you ate your supper from under the table?
May 12th, 2008 at 8:49 am
i have to say that this has been the best mother’s day ever, if only for the fact that i did not fail in an epic fashion.
me last year:
May 12th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Happy post Mothers Day!
ZZ cleaned the cat box for my mother’s day present.
With her mouth.
Isn’t that nice?
May 12th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Neth- You are forgiven. And the Mother’s Day when I was pregnant with Chars was good. I particularly enjoyed watching you pull a dead tree stump out of the ground by tying a rope to my Saab. That was sweet.
Kiala- OMG! Alice did the same thing! We have the best dogs ever!
May 12th, 2008 at 10:30 am
I decided to just tell him what I wanted instead of making him guess and setting both of us up for another bad day.
If only all women would do this, the world would be a better place.
It would be a lot more peaceful at least.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:36 am
I think the best idea ever is to just tell him what you want. Can’t really go wrong.
Your night sounds fun!
May 12th, 2008 at 10:45 am
I think that bra is a pretty sweet gift.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:47 am
I was up all nioght on Saturday making the Queen of the Geeks tasty pastries. You melt down a block of cream cheese with a stick of butter and whip it into a cream then add fresh blue berries. Take regular old bisquick and roll it almost paper thin. Place a spoon full of the blue berry filling fold and bake until golden brown on the edges. She got that to go with home made ham mushroom and cheese omelette’s. For dinner I made chicken and mushroom Alfredo which will also be lunch today. I also took some of the tasty pastries to my mommy. I was a good boy yesterday.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Chris- You’re not a “bra giver” too are you?
brookem- Why can’t he just read my mind? WHY????
rs27- Then that’s what I’m getting for you for Mother’s Day next year.
Jim- I think a little bit of pee just came out. Is there any way you could send me some fo that?
May 12th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Yeah for being happy on Mother’s Day. You most certainly deserve it after trying so many new things last week. How’s the hangover today?
May 12th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Wow, what a difference between the two. You’ve inspired me - I will start telling my boyfriend exactly what I want to. It seems to work out so well. That is cute that he thought the bra was the perfect gift…
May 12th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
No, but I just want things in my life to be easy. I also enjoy being lazy, so this would help that as well.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
The pastries or the Alfredo?
May 12th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
When I was first reading this, I thought that Hubby Dearest had gotten you a pissed-off model wearing nothing but a bra. What a disappointment.
You really should be more grateful. I got my mom a few bras one Mother’s day, and we are not from Arkansas. Like you, she was not pleased. I figure it’s okay if your husband gets you a bra. He is saying, “You’re a MILF. I appreciate your tits. Here. Let’s dress up the twins.” But when you give your *mom* a bra, I’m not sure what that means. In my case, I guess it meant, “really, those are dragging on the floor and I think it’s been about a friggin’ decade since you bought yourself a bra, so here.” Also, my sister picked them up and I just paid her. I didn’t even know what I was giving her until she opened it.
So, what’s the rule? Is there certain underwear men can get women that they are okay with and certain underwear that is not? Would the bra have been a more appropriate gift (for a MILF, not for my mom) on another holiday? If you MILFs just gave us dudes rules, you would get great gifts all the time.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Nilsa- I’m surprisingly not hung over today. It’s a mother’s day miracle!
Meg- Why shouldn’t we be able to just ask for what we want? Men are very bad mind readers.
Chris- Good gift givers are never lazy. Never.
Jim- All of it please.
stoogepie- And what did your sister get her? The matching panties? And yes, I think we should put out a rule book for you boys because I don’t know any women who are ever happy with the gift they get.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Right, Chris. Good gift givers are NEVER LAZY.
My birthday is next week.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Ari- He’s not going to fuck it up. DON’T WORRY.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Yay! It seems like so many MILFs had a great mother’s day. Mine was the best ever!
You know what’s weird? Why do we all agree that the bra is such a shit-hole gift? When I read that he got you that, I thought, HOLY FUCKING CRAP, WHAT WAS HE THINKING! But why? I don’t know. Why am I still feeling a little let down over your last year’s gift?
I don’t know.
He made up for it in a big way. Well done, Ken. Well done.
May 12th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Hey Crissy. Yep. See, my sister said, “mom needs some new clothes.” So I said, “you buy it.” So mom gets a batch of new stuff from my two sisters (I think there were panties and stockings and whole outfits in there) and I gave the bras. But I’m not blaming this on my sisters. I would have been fine with the gift of a bra for her. And for you, too!
Rules. Need rules.
May 12th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Oh, no….sooooo NOT a MILF…..seriously….I’m a big girl–ya know, a plus sized gal. But thanks for saying the top half of my head looks good! I’ve decided that’s how ALL my photos will be taken from now on!
May 12th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
If you and the family are ever out in Northern California you all have to stop by for dinner.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Melissa- I know, right? But he made up for it. He’s what you’d call a fast learner.
stoogepie- Awwww. You’re sweet to take care of your ma like that. And I think I might have to come up with a post on gift giving rules for boys.
Shelly- Plus sized gals can absolutely be MILFS. I happen to know a few.
Jim- No, no, no. That won’t do. You’ll have to mail it to me.
May 12th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
I will see what I can do but what I am getting out of this?
May 12th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
That’s a pretty awesome mothers day. I snuck out and planted my own tree between brunch with one mother and dinner with the other mothers (thank god the mom and step-mother in laws get along and we can combo up the celebration). Your ideas were better. Will you instruct people what to buy me as well?
May 13th, 2008 at 6:59 am
I’m a little late but Happy Mama’s Day!
May 13th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
If you take photos of cleaning with her tooth brush, make sure to email them to her (not in person) about a week after she gets back.
For MD? I did fancy breakfast for my wife, lemon ricotta pancakes and some sweet talk. When I buy stuff she always complains (and yes, I listen. At least I think I do)