Hot! Hot! Hot!

May 9, 2008 on 6:27 am | In You're NOT hardcore, unless you LIVE hardcore |

A while back, my friend Laura invited me to go Salsa dancing with her and I agreed to go but was secretly terrified because I’ve never been before and I don’t even know what to wear Salsa dancing. I couldn’t ask her because I didn’t want to look like a jackass because I have what is known as a bit of a girl crush on her. When I’m around her I act all goofy and get all tongue tied because she’s so pretty and hip and tall and blonde and stylish and she’s an artist and I just want her to like me.

The news of my crush on her makes my husband positively giddy.

Clearly though, I’m in way over my head with this girl because

A: As we learned yesterday, I’m scared of social situations
B: Having seen my dancing, would you want to bring that shit out in public?
C: Salsa dancing starts at 11:00 pm and I go to bed at 8.
D: There’s a chance I might hump her leg if I get enough drinks in me, which as we all know is very likely to happen. The drinks, I mean. The humping only might happen.

So I pussied out and I never called her because I was trying to think of a way to get out of our date. I thought I might somehow manage to become de-invited.

Maybe I’d agree to meet her there and show up in this:

And then run toward her yelling “Laura! Hey! It’s me! Hi-ii!” and then trip over the dress, twist my ankle, fall on my face and become injured with a fat lip and a broken ankle thereby leaving me unable to dance and forcing me to sit at the bar to nurse my injuries with $10 each vodka drinks.

Sounds reasonable, right?

I think it would probably be just enough to send her screaming out of the club, or at least hide under the table. Either way, she wouldn’t see my jackassery on the dance floor and I’d never have to go again. And that would solve my problem quite handily I think.

But I’m not gonna be a punk like that anymore. I’m going to learn how to dance the shit out of the Salsa and then Laura will let me lick her be her friend. I don’t have a video for you though because I’ve been feeling like shit the past couple of days (it’s my damn superpower again!) and I feel like dancing about as much as I feel like running naked down my street banging a metal bucket on my head with a dildo.

Shut up.

I’m not doing it.

I don’t care how much you beg.

So here:

This is the instructional video I took out of the library.

And this is my Salsa partner.

Use your imagination.

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30 Comments »

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I said to try Carmen ELECTRA, not Carmen MIRANDA…

ps-I will be very upset if you start licking your other friends. I thought we had something special.

Comment by Rachel — May 9, 2008 #
That is not a fun superpower to have. I had to remedy mine with bc pills. Or just end it all by overdosing on midol.

I say go for the salsa dancing! Can’t believe it’s at 11pm at night. I’m either in my PJ’s or sitting at a bar having drinks (with friends).

Comment by Marie — May 9, 2008 #
I can’t tell you how disappointed I am that there’s no video … of you running down the street … because you can’t fool us … we know you did it.

Comment by Nilsa S. — May 9, 2008 #
just have some tequila before you go and dance it up! i’m sure that everyone there isn’t professional salsa dancers.

also, something tells me that your dance partner pictured above may not be the best teacher. just a thought.

Comment by Ashley — May 9, 2008 #
I like how that outfit has the open mid-section to make room for the bloated and distended tummy. If you play your cards right you would just look malnoursished and not bloated and Laura would let you eat tapas from her fingers.

Comment by Dingo — May 9, 2008 #
Stupid periods. I’m sorry, Crissy.

I bet you are a great salsa dancer. I’ve always wanted to be good at swing dancing even though it is not 1992 and therefore not cool anymore.

Comment by Kiala — May 9, 2008 #
Laura doesn’t deserve you! Feel better but you do owe us a salsa video. It’ll be worth waiting for!

Comment by Lynne — May 9, 2008 #
I would so go and drunk salsa dance with you! I don’t know how either but give us enough alcohol and I’m sure we’d be SUPA STAHS!

Comment by denise — May 9, 2008 #
Holy shit, this blog entry promises so much! I can’t decide whether I am more excited about hearing more about what happens between you and Laura, seeing you running naked down the street banging a metal bucket on your head with a (perhaps homemade) dildo, or seeing the eventual video of you dancing it up with Mister Bunnycuddles there!

Regarding your superpower, at least you have a superpower. It’s true that with great power comes great responsibility. But those of us who are superpowerless (and correspondingly irresponsible) tremble at your feet or, at the very least, try to stay on your good side. That’s worth something.

Comment by stoogepie — May 9, 2008 #
Poor little thing. Your dancing could never be anywhere as bad as some people I have seen out in public. Of course the leg humping might be fun to watch too.

Comment by The Movie WHore — May 9, 2008 #
Please take pictures of said girl on girl licking/making out. You know, just for the blog.

Comment by rs27 — May 9, 2008 #
Rach- OH! Carmen ELECTRA! I was wondering what you meant when you said Carmen Miranda striptease. And Don’t worry. Laura probably will never let me lick her.

Marie- By 11 at night I’ve been asleep for 3 hours.

Nilsa- No matter how you beg, you’ll never see the video.

Ashley- My dance partner better have steel toed shoes. And you don’t think the bunny is a good parnter? Why?

Dingo- You got it exactly right. I look malnourished because everything else on me looks normal except for the huge tummy. It’s freakish.

Kiala- I would so take secret swing dance lessons with you.

Lynne- Don’t hold your breath. You’d better bring back a tee shirt for me from your vacation.

Denise- Or at least we would think we’re superstars, and that’s what’s really important isn’t it?

Stoogepie-You are smart to stay on my good side. You never know when I’m going to fly into a hormonal rage and take motherfuckers out.

Jim- If I hump her leg I’ll make a video.

rs27- You got it. Anything for the blog!

Comment by Crissy — May 9, 2008 #
I have a girl crush on Kiala. You can imagine how my brain went a little haywire when she invited me to eat sushi. EAT SUSHI. With a girl crush…uh…

We both survived. And speaking of inappropriate things, can I nominate you and Ken as couple I’d most like to have a threesome with. Is that okay?

Go salsa dancing. Do the forbidden dance.

Comment by melissa lion — May 9, 2008 #
there is nothing inappropriate about a threesome.

Comment by Hubby Dearest — May 9, 2008 #
Isn’t that what all salsa dancers wear?

And thanks Melissa - I thought Ari and I had that locked down.

Comment by chris — May 9, 2008 #
Stoopid periods - get some super painkillers. I just got some and they are my new BFF. I sleep with them and they let me lick them.

Comment by Megkathleen — May 9, 2008 #
I confess…I’ve been lurking here for a few days now, and find you to be, well, my new blogcrush (sorry, Chris of Survivingmyself)…….

I, TOO, want people to like me……I TOO don’t know how to salsa….I, TOO, feel snubbed by other mom’s (only my kids are way older).

Let’s be friends. You can hump my leg and lick me if you’ll let me call you alot, and want to hang out!

Seriously, great blog…you crack me up!

Comment by Shelly — May 9, 2008 #
“If I hump her leg I’ll make a video.”

I am holding you to that.

Comment by The Movie WHore — May 9, 2008 #
Oh man, I remember when I learned to salsa. My Puerto Rican friend got me wasted on tequila and threw me around a dance floor. I have no idea what actually happened but apparently I did alright.

Comment by Joy @ Big Time Fancy — May 9, 2008 #
Melissa- I have a girl crush on you and Kila and Laura! And yeah. A threesome. Let’s do that. I’ve already seen your ass.

Neth- I know you’d like that more than anything in the whole wide world.

Chris- I’m cuter than you. Sorry. Not Ari, but you for sure.

Meg- stupid periods get in the way of blogging and wearing white. Assholes.

Shelley- Thank you! And don’t worry Chris will get over it. I like your blog too!

Jim- You know that if it happens, I’ll tape it. I’m totally willing to humiliate myself for the blog.

Joy- Ok. Got it. Tequila is the answer because whether or not you did ok, you won’t remember it anyway.

Comment by Crissy — May 9, 2008 #
well, actually, i would like to be able to take pictures of the ordeal, if that is amenable to all parties involved.

we will of course split all proceeds from said pictures.

Comment by Hubby Dearest — May 9, 2008 #
@Hubby Dearest: I hope it wouldn’t be an ORDEAL. More like an event or a suaree.

Comment by Crissy — May 9, 2008 #
Oh shit. I just made a blog faux pas.

Threesomes with everyone!

Comment by melissa lion — May 9, 2008 #
Melissa- Hell, we’ll just have everyone over! We have this very 70’s room in our basement that Rachel named The Red Carpet Lounge. It has a bar AND a pull out sofa bed.

Bow chica bow wow…

How’s that for a blogger convention!

Comment by Crissy — May 10, 2008 #
it will be a veritable “blorgy”…

Comment by Rachel — May 10, 2008 #
Oh, Rachel sends it home.

I think we should all put out keys into a bowl too, just because I masturbate to the idea of key parties. No, I didn’t mean that. What I meant was, and this is true, that’s how I picked up my ex husband. Not at a key party, but we were at a party and I asked him if it was a key party.

I’m a slut aren’t I?

Comment by melissa lion — May 10, 2008 #
Ordeal. Sheesh.

Comment by melissa lion — May 10, 2008 #
Rach- Ha, ha, ha, ha. You’re invited even though your blog is on hiatus.

Melissa- A key party. Awesome. You really are slutty, huh? And yeah. Ordeal? I don’t think so.

Comment by Crissy — May 10, 2008 #
BLORGY!!!

Hahahahaha!

I’m uncomfortable now.

No.

How about FlogHer?

Comment by Kiala — May 11, 2008 #
AH! Good luck salsa dancing. It’s totally fun–I think you’ll enjoy it. And if not? There are always those $10 vodka drinks to be had.

Comment by Lauren — May 12, 2008 #