Look Who’s Talking!

Another thing that I promised myself I would try to do is to start seeing the value in other human beings by way of talking to them because everyone has something unique and important to offer if you just listen to what they have to say.

Bwahahahahah!

No.

That’s not true.

But on the serious, and this may surprise you, Crissy is scared of people.

For real.

I’ve always been a very shy person and I’ve always felt like a big freak. Instead of playing with the other kids I spent my childhood summers playing alone in the attic with my Barbies, and now I do it in my back yard and it’s just got to stop. I do not like “dry” social events because I need my drinkies before I can talk to people or else I pee my pants and wind up in the fetal position on the floor of the coat closet.

And when we’re at the playground or something I sort of avoid the other parents and focus on Girlfriend. But that’s mostly because I’ve recently been the victim of some brutal snubbing by the mothers of Frumberland and I’m not interested in giving those cunts another opportunity to commit further cuntery. (That’s right. I said cunts and it’s okay because we took the word back and now it’s really good.) But I’ve been thinking that maybe they’re not all cunts. Maybe some of them are actually nice and I have no idea because I’m still working through my own petty trauma.

So I’m making a promise to myself and to the Internets that I will try to conquer my fear of people and become a social person.

What’s the worst thing that could happen?

Everyone could stare at me:

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But so what. Let em’ look. I’m cute, right?

Instead of me going home and crying all afternoon like last time, Bitch Auntie could talk smack about my baby girl again and I’ll kick her in the fucking mouth.

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And that would be a really, really good thing.

(I’ve gotten some new readers since the Bitch Auntie incident so click here and here and do try to keep up from now on okay people?)

I could try to make small talk and say something incredibly stupid.

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Or I might overshare a little bit.

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Or accidentally say something depressing or creepy while trying to make conversation.

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Maybe I’ll talk about myself too much and people will think I’m boring.

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Or crazy.

Or I might make an inappropriate suggestion.

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But any of these things would be okay because at least I got in there and started talking to people WITHOUT THE USE OF KlONOPIN AND VODKA which are not appropriate treats to bring to the playground anyway.

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26 comments

  1. Oh god, I totally know. Talking with other mothers freaks me the hell out. Now I talk to them, but before I just wanted to stab myself, or stab them. I wasn’t sure which was more appropriate. Probably stabbing them.

  2. Melissa- I’m just scared that somebody is going to try and tell me her birth story because they always find a way to work it in somehow. I’m just like, there was a baby inside you and then it came out. End of story. The details, really, are insignificant. Get over yourself, honey.
    Right?
    Or am I an asshole?

  3. It seems to me that the kicks you learned from your hip-hop workout would serve you well here. Learning something new is great but true knowledge, grasshopper, is knowing how to apply it in a variety of situations. This is one of those situations.

  4. Dingo- That’s a brilliant idea. I could show them what I learned! Or did you mean I should kick them?

    Chris- You can borrow them if you want. And, Yeah! They can’t dance as good as me either.

  5. If I were you (and sadly, I am not) I would show them what I learned. If they weren’t suitably impressed, then I would kick them. See, adapt to the situation.

  6. You know they’re jealous! Who else but you has the whole package? They are probably overwhelmed by your presence and simply don’t know how to act. Kind of like if Jesus walked in right now! Show them some of your hip-hop, that will surely impress!

  7. is that big green troll looking thing supposed to be you, pissed off?

    how the hell did you get it to be so realistic?

    just for the record, internets, my wife had the big brass balls to come up to ME and ask me out on a date… our FIRST date.

    i think it was probably one of the craziest things she’s ever done… and it was the best thing as far as i’m concerned.

    ok i’m done with the sap now.

  8. Dingo- It’s important to be flexible and adaptable.

    Lynne- A lot of people say they find me intimidating.

    Neth- NO! THAT’S BITCH AUNTIE AND HER ANGELS,STUPID! And thanks for the sap.

  9. ack! I just got home from “socializing” with other Moms…I don’t recommend trying it without Klonopin or Vodka.

    Why don’t you just switch out to Xanax and Rum…that way it fits into “Trying New Things Week” without Friday becoming “Crissy tries killing herself.”

  10. I totally feel you lady. I am not a mom but I have a cat and a dog and a husband. Same dif.

    Anyway,I had lunch wih Melissa Lion yesterday who is the nicest and smartest and funniest person other than you and I still was all shy and nervous and kept dropping the sushi in my lap and on my face and things.

    Because I was sober. I just should never be sober. It is not flattering on me.

  11. Can I come and play barbies with you?

    Second question, why are these mothers snubbing you? Is it because they are jealous that they can’t dance like you. I bet that’s it.

    p.s. I promise to read up on bitch auntie.

  12. Sounds to me like your problem isn’t with conversations with others … it’s bringing those conversations from your head (or bloggyland) into reality. Girl, I’d have your back, too. Adults need to learn how to let kids be kids. And that’s coming from someone who doesn’t even have kids.

  13. All you have to do is yell, “C U Next Tuesday!”

    And then giggle all the way home. Take that stupid moms! We have won! WE HAVE WON!

  14. Oh, who wants to be a social person anyway? Being a social person inevitably leads to stiff fines and hours of community service, especially with Bitch Aunties and their ilk at every storytime. And now that you’ve got those hip-hop kicks down, you are bound to perform a kneejerk test of whether Bitch Auntie has gonads sooner or later. Being social is vastly overrated, especially when you’re sober. Also, thank you for confirming that it’s okay to say cunt. I agree with you wholeheartedly.

  15. Cunts! HAHAHA – I think that’s a fun word. This is why I also have problems socializing with other people. I wish I was a mom in RI so we could make fun of the other moms together, but, unfortunately, I am a single girl in WA and must speak in front of a group of 30 tonight about how introverted I am. If I can do that I’m sure you can talk to the other moms (but I don’t plan on doing it without booze).

  16. Rach- “Crissy tries killing herself” Ha, ha, ha, ha!

    Kiala- Sushi can be tricky. Why didn’t you get Saki-ed?

    Marie- The moms in Frumberland are very clickish and if they don’t know you, they won’t talk to you.

    Nilsa- You should see this woman. It’s unreal how well behaved those kids are. It’s weird.

    rs27- Storytime meets on Tuesdays so that is PERFECT!!!!

    stoogepie- I say we make cunt part of everyday speech like hell or crap by using it until everyone is totally desensitized.

    Meg-Good luck tonight. Um, why would anyone torture an introvert by forcing her to speak in front of people? Is this for school or did you fuck up somewhere and this is your punishment?

  17. Oh, this is school. Something about improving your emotional intelligence. I don’t really know my mind’s usually wandering towards thoughts about sleep.

  18. I have Rules about drinking during the day.

    These rules do not, however, apply to barbecues and/or weddings and/or visiting foreign countries.

    I set these rules for myself to keep from becoming the fat alcoholic we all know I should be.

  19. Meg- I figured as much.

    Kiala- Those are the same rules I have. I cannot drink during the day or I’m totally useless and then pass out at 6:00pm.

  20. Eh. I’d love to support the effort, but every time I go on a “I’m going to be more social” kick, it just ends up with me wondering why I ever leave the house at all. That said, you seem like you could pull it off. And it’s more fun if you say inappropriate, crazy, overshare-y things, you should do that all the time. You’ll weed out the boring people that way.

  21. The snotty people are,the more insecure. Loved your story. Loved the comments. You’re a smart gal. You need not be self conscious. Focus on the person you’re talking to, not yourself. If they’re being an asshole, play with their head. I do it for a living.

  22. mom- For the first half of your comment, please stop embarrassing me in front of my friends. As for the second half, as always, good advice. Evil, but good.

  23. @Megan: I find most people unworthy of my attention too. I think you have a very good point though. Just say weird shit and if they can handle it, then they must be cool enough to hang around with me. I love your thinking!

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