Zoom, Zoom, Zoom (ish)

May 6, 2008 on 5:18 am | In About nothing, really, Nethy-poo |

One thing that I’ve always wanted to do is learn how to drive a standard transmission automobile. Some of my favorite dreams, when I’m having the most fun, involve me driving the shit out of some sassy little number like this:

Some people say dreams about driving or riding horses are really sex dreams, but I don’t care about some people. I think it just means I want a BMW. With a stick.

Real. Bad.

Problem is, I’m too chicken to actually drive the car.

But this week is all about getting over my fear of trying new things and so I’m giving it a go in my husband’s beloved Subaru WRX. And then I’ll be so totally brilliant at driving that I’ll have to get my new BMW so I can keep my hand in and not have to re-work through all the trauma of learning how to drive it all over again. I’m sure he’ll be completely on board with that idea.

Fuck the mortgage payment, I needs me a pimpin’ ride.

His car scares the hell out of me because it’s not a normal car. He’s got it all full of “mods” and I don’t really know what that means but I think it makes him a car nerd.

It looks like this:

See? Scary.

And on the inside it has this “Pyrometer” thingy

which I can only assume keeps track of how many seconds are left before the car turns into a fire-y Chariot O’ Death.

And on the other side is this “boost” gauge

that makes me suspect this car might actually be capable of flight and I’m terrified I might hit the wrong button because if you think I’m bad a driving cars, you should see me fly a carplane. It’s not good.

And I giggle every time I see this Momo emblem on the steering wheel. And then I say “You’re a momo. It says so right there” because I’m very mature. Not only is it on the steering wheel, it’s on the shift knob too:

just in case there was any doubt as to his momo status.

So anyway, to prove that I actually put on my big girl panties and drove this bitch here’s the video.

Goal for next time: get to third gear.

I think I can do it.

Oh, and for tomorrow?

Dancing lessons.

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to the tune of Rudolph:

Crissy the red-eared driver,
Had a very rosy ear,
And when she drove with stick shifts,
She had trouble with the gears,

All of the other drivers,
Let her pass and stop on cue,
They never knew poor Crissy,
Didn’t know just what to do!

Then one rainy afternoon,
Charlotte had to say,
“Uh-oh Mom, the cars’ a-bump”
“You’ll need to put the clutch in the dump.”

Oh then how Kenny loved her,
As she pulled back in the drive,
Crissy may be a MoMo,
But we’re just glad that she’s ALIVE!

Comment by Rachel — May 6, 2008 #
Rach- Wait a minute! Are you really Busta Rhymes?

Comment by Crissy — May 6, 2008 #
1) that vid is hilarious with charlotte talking in the background - “bumpy ride” “oh oh” “broken”

2) your husband is nuts for letting you drive in the “baby”

3) you, me, the back seat of the wrx?

4) rachel, impressive…you have some amazing talents…come to think of it…you have 2 amazing talents!!

5) p.s. chrissy i blame Mister for turning me into a pig…i was so sweet and innocent before he was my roomie

Comment by aznman — May 6, 2008 #
I say go ahead and some (a lot) of zantac then head out to the highway and have a go at driving there. It’ll be fun, I promise.

Oh and well done and your first try!

Comment by Marie — May 6, 2008 #
Sorry I meant to say “take some (a lot) of zantac.” Ok, it’s officially too early to be up.

Comment by Marie — May 6, 2008 #
You are a brave lady! I know that I’m going to my grave never having driven a stick. I’m ok with it. P.S. Today at work we’re celebrating George Clooney’s birthday and there’s cake. You’re missing it!

Comment by Lynne — May 6, 2008 #
Wait, did your precious offspring just say, “I can’t look?” Hilarious! Okay, when we go out for beer and cheese fries, bring the munchkin.

Comment by Dingo — May 6, 2008 #
you actually did pretty well for your first time out! you just need more practice with a stick..

Comment by Hubby Dearest — May 6, 2008 #
THIRD GEAR IS TRICKY! THIRD GEAR IS TRICKY!

It’s so easy to accidentally grind it into first.

When I was 16 my first car was a manual, and I consider myself to be the awesomest girl ever because when, 6 months later, my boyfriend’s sister bought a new BMW in SF, she didn’t know how to drive a stick and I got to drive it home to Laguna Hills…all the way down HWY 101 and PCH. WHEE!

Comment by Kiala — May 6, 2008 #
Aznman- You are getting to be rather piggish. It works on you though. I like it.

Marie- Drugs are ALWAYS the answer.

Lynne- Lisa told me about George’s birthday party and if you don’t save me a piece of cake I will never email you again.

Dingo- No can do. Whenever I take my daughter out drinking she always gets really drunk and tries to take her shirt off and dance on the bar. It’s embarassing!

Neth- Are you saying I can get the BMW???? ARE YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!

Kiala- My first car was a manual and then my parents bought me a new automatic one because my dad got too frustrated to keep up with my driving lessons. My friend Suzi had a BMW and I used to encourage her to drink too much so she’d pass out and I’d have to drive it home. I’m a really good friend like that, obviously.

Comment by Crissy — May 6, 2008 #
Manual Transmission is overrated. How exactly are supposed to double middle finger someone with one hand on the gear shift?

Dumb.

Comment by rs27 — May 6, 2008 #
You know dreaming about cars is something quite normal. If you want a suicide machine find a motorcycle called the Boss Hoss. It has a V8 engine and goes from 0-60 in 1.4 seconds.

So in comparison I would say get the BMW and have fun.

Comment by The Movie WHore — May 6, 2008 #
As I was watching your little video, I read the rest of your post (yes, I’m multi-talented) and noticed tomorrow’s dancing lessons. And I couldn’t help but think, at least you can drink doing that. Hahaha - read your mind!

BTW - excellent first try. My first try involved a lot of yelling from my father not to ruin the clutch. Eventually, I had to go to a special driving school to learn to drive clutch. Crazy!

Comment by Nilsa S. — May 6, 2008 #
Stick shift is for true Gangsta’s, so I’m very proud of you.

Comment by chris — May 6, 2008 #
Nice job! My dad taught me how to drive a standard ( I almost said stick, but that seemed a little gross) and he took me out on a hill, put the car in park and said…”Ok, get out of this”. He’s a fan of tough love.

And yes..third gear can be tricky! But you’ll get it!

Comment by Princessb — May 6, 2008 #
rs27- I didn’t think of that. Shit.

Jim- your dream car is a space ship isn’t it?

Nilsa- My dad sent me to driving school for the same reason. He couldn’t bear to see any more smoke pour out of his sports car.

Chris- It’s going to be hard to put a cap in motherfuckers from the car window now because I’ll be shifting the car, but I’ll get the hang of it eventually.

Princessb- Your dad is a hard ass, huh? (and I always feel dirty saying stick shift too. It might as well be dick shift.)

Comment by Crissy — May 6, 2008 #
the best part of this is Girlfriend in the back with the commentary

“uh oh. i think it’s broken daddy!”

i’ve only driven stick a handful of times and on the open road once and i would NEVER go on a highway….way too scary. to me driving stick is too much damn work. i just want to put it in drive and go.

Comment by Lynne — May 6, 2008 #
ps that comment was from Lynne’s esteemed daughter who forgot that using her computer meant she was logged in under her name. sorry Ma!

Comment by Lynne — May 6, 2008 #
Hubby Dearest- My dream car is a space ship.

Really who would not want to just once be able to fly any one of the kick ass space fighters we have scene in the movies and on TV over the years.

Comment by The Movie WHore — May 6, 2008 #
That was really, really good! I was told by my best friend who was a used car salesman, that I’m the only person he’d ever seen actually get worse at driving stick.

You did really awesome! Good stuff!

Comment by melissa lion — May 6, 2008 #
Okay. The last bunch of comments back that I wrote came up under my husband because the fucking computer is always logged in under his name and it pisses me right the fuck off.

Anyway,

Ashley- It happens to me all the friggin time.

Jim- Sorry. It was really me, not him saying that.

Melissa- I believe it is possible to actually get worse at it.

Comment by Crissy — May 6, 2008 #
I will never drive a manual because I am too lazy. And I agree with rs27 - what’s the fun in driving when there are no obscene gestures involved?

I hope the dancing lessons tomorrow are interpretive.

Comment by Megkathleen — May 6, 2008 #
I envy the amount of patience you husband has. I’m an expert stick driver, and am even aloud to occasionally drive the bf’s beloved bmw m3. However, put me in an automatic and I’m totally clueless…I’ve never really driven one, except for the godawful purple pt cruiser I had to drive for driver’s ed.

Comment by Hannah — May 7, 2008 #
You should come over and let Nikki learn ya on the MINI…. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay easier than a scooby stick.

Comment by Ben Jacobsen — May 29, 2008 #
“maybe some xantac, some xanax, whatever the hell people call it”

Comment by Quirkee James — May 29, 2008 #