Does Ernie Have a Penis?

Ugh!

It’s been one hell of a week hasn’t it? I’m exhausted and I’m not sure what to write about today. I have a couple of things in mind, so maybe I’ll do both. We’ll see by the end, won’t we?

A while back, this guy said on his blog that he’d like to know how I feel about these:

I’ve heard of some outlandish hobbies before but commemorative dildo making ? It’s just silly. Can you imagine putting that on your resume in the hobbies and interests section? And I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to have two identical penises. Unless your husband/lover/boyfriend is on a spaceship or was kidnapped by pirates or something why would you need it? Just use the real thing and keep a trucker happy, if you know what I mean. And I thought I had more to say on this topic, but I guess not.

Moving right along…

There is no graceful segue into this next thing and I think it might even be grounds for having my parental rights terminated for including them both in the same blog post, but fuck it.

I’m a rebel.

I had an interesting conversation with my daughter about penises. Poor Girlfriend thinks she’ll get one when she grows up and I know this because she said “when I grow up big and strong like daddy, I’m going to have a penis.” I had to tell the her the truth about penises and that she’ll have her vagina forever. Luckily, this seemed like good news to her, and she looked at me all wide-eyed, then bent over, looked up between her legs and said “I have a ah-ji-na!?!” I didn’t tell her that maybe she could have her very own penis if her boyfriend/lover/husband buys a kit and makes one for her. Hey! There is a connection!

No shit.

Anywho, her thwarted penis expectations prompted the following discussion about things that have a penis and things that do not.

Gf: You have a penis?
Me: Yes, and its about 7 inches long and made of glass No. I have a vagina just like you.
Gf: Oh. Ok. Daddy has a penis.
Me: Right.
Gf: Alice has a penis?
Me: No. Alice is a girl dog. She has a vagina.
Gf: Does Benny have a penis?
Me: Yes! Benny is a boy kitty.
Gf: Does Aw-nee have a penis? (holding up her very beloved Ernie doll)

I had to think about this one for a second because I had no idea how to answer her. Ernie is a doll! Of course he doesn’t have one! But to her he’s real, so does he? “Fuck it,” I said to myself, “I’ll say yes and see how it flys.” No pun intended. Get it? Flys, penis…forget it.

Me:Yes. Ernie is a boy and has a penis.
Gf: Can I see it? Where is it? Where is Aw-nee’s penis?
And then she frantically searched for Ernie’s penis and was very concerned about him and then I had to explain the difference between alive and not alive while simultaneously explaining the boy and girl parts and the whole thing was a big. mess. because mommy doesn’t think very clearly when she has a hangover has never had this discussion with a small person before and

shit.

I chose the wrong answer, but I still don’t know what the right one is.

What do you think? Does Ernie have a penis?

How about now? Does he have a penis now?

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Ps: I got mad props from Nilsa this morning and I’m all sorts of touched and honored and stuff because she’s like the sweetest woman ever and her blog is one of my favorites. Go see her. We love her. BUT I’m going to warn you, she is civilized and classy so behave yourselves and don’t put your feet up on the coffee table.

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22 comments

  1. aren’t Ernie and Bert supposed to be gay or something? ‘Splain that to Girlfriend…Ernie’s penis problems part deux.

    as for this week’s penis postings…I’m with Char–I’m so glad β€œI have a ah-ji-na” too.

  2. Why does it not surprise me you had a vajajay conversation with your daughter. What is she, like 10 months old? You’re either going to have a very sophisticated daughter when she grows up or a whore … wait, no, I DID NOT SAY THAT. (And in all honesty, the earlier the better in my book – better you than her best friend’s big brother in a couple years!).

    I’m not sure about Ernie and his penis. That’s between the two of them. However, one thing it seems Ernie is most definitely missing? Eyebrows. Seems Bert hoards them in that relationship.

    Finally, it’s easy to spread the love. Your blog makes this good girl feel dirty. I’m like a school girl gone bad. Plus, if someone crashes my wedding with a strap-on, my wedding will go down in history as the best ever. And you think I’m kidding.

  3. i’d like to think that ernie, like all muppet creatures, have no sexual organs at all because muppet sex is just not something i’m prepared to envision.

    on the other hand, i can see where her confusion comes from since, duh, he is a boy.

    let’s just be glad she didn’t ask why ernie & bert still live together.

  4. Wait until Girlfriend has a baby brother…Lot’s of penis questions in my house now.
    On a side note, the kit (which comes in a vibrating model) doesn’t work, Don’t ask how I know.

  5. Nice to know I can infect the minds of others.

    The Dude is obsessed with his penis and loves to talk to about it. No matter where he is. Kids and sex organs often the most uncomfortable conversations but can also be the funniest aftermath. You know like this post.

  6. wow, that’s good to know, val… i never knew! thanks for chiming in and perhaps saving some people some mess and expense.

    as for why a girl would want TWO phalluses (phalli?), i’ll just leave that alone — i’ve already been accused of being too embarrassing once this week.

    i do believe that neither bert nor ernie have any sexual organs. perhaps it would be better to say, “we can’t tell, because his pants don’t come off.”

    additional info:
    Bert and Ernie’s Relationship, Reality TV – Arts & Living
    ABC News: Muppet Sex Rumor: Ernie and Bert Just Ducky
    http://www.geocities.com/be_alternative/bert_and_ernie.html

    snopes says B+E are NOT GAY:
    http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/gaymuppet.asp

    here’s a song for you:

    Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

  7. Kudos for talking frankly with GF about that stuff! I’m all for using the correct terminology with kids. None of that peepee and hooha talk. Stopping of course before “honey, show everybody where your vagina is” at parties.

  8. Rach- Girlfriend would be heartbroken if she knew her boyfriend was gay!

    Nilsa- She’s three and she’s got lots of questions I feel I can only answer simply and honestly. And you can count on me to make your wedding extra special! I just have one question. Is it open bar?

    Kiala- Fine china. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

    Ashley- Yeah! See? It’s confusing for the poor thing. If Ernie is a boy, then where’s his penis? WTF?

    Val!!!- I’m sure there’s lots of penis talk these days. And if your husband is in the military, it’s perfectly ok to make a replica for those lonely times. Bummer it didn’t work. They’re expensive! Not that you know. It’s your friend, right?

    Jim- My mind was infected long before you came on the scene, so don’t worry.

    Neth- Thanks for the links and for not embarrassing me. I do that enough on my own already.

    Lynne-Oh! That would be cute if she did that. You’re such a prude.

    Mom- Yeah. We’re pretty smart, huh?

  9. There are two obvious answers to that question.

    A.) go ask daddy.

    B.) Bert likes Ernie’s penis, so yes.

    Quick someone let me raise a kid.

  10. And that’s why I fell in love with Kiala to begin with.

    Yes, Ernie has a penis. And I too love my ah-ji-na too.

    Oh my god, I think I caught your hangover. These this are contagious through the internet, right?

  11. I think the only thing to do is to have some good ol’ fashioned mother-daughter time and make Ernie a penis. Does that kit come in the unholy shade of George Hamilotn orange?

  12. New reader – I wandered over here after reading Nilsa’s post.

    Your daughter sounds adorable and hilarious! Have you also had to answer the sex question yet? I don’t even know what I would begin to say.

  13. I’m with Ashley – I’d just rather not think about muppets sexual organs because that can only lead to thoughts about muppet sex. In all honesty, not something I want to consider. So one day when my future kids ask me this question I will just cover my ears and start singing loud enough to drown out all uncomfortable questions. I will be a very good mommy.

  14. Jim- I know. That’s why you love me.

    rs27- The kid will be laughing too hard to ask any uncomfortable questions.

    Melissa- I love my ah-ji-na too.

    Dingo- We can use play dough! Great idea!

    Marie- Welcome! Luckily she has no clue about sex yet. She’s only three, but I’m all ready with an answer for that one. Ready? “ask your dad.” I’m a genius.

    Meg- I think that’s a valid strategy. You’ll do great!

  15. You guys are hilarious πŸ™‚
    For what it’s worth, I’m inclined to answer “No”, as I perceive Ernie to be the “sub” in that relationship, hence Bert wears the pants. That’s why Ernie appears to be less than anatomically correct…

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