It’s been one hell of a week hasn’t it? I’m exhausted and I’m not sure what to write about today. I have a couple of things in mind, so maybe I’ll do both. We’ll see by the end, won’t we?
A while back, this guy said on his blog that he’d like to know how I feel about these:
I’ve heard of some outlandish hobbies before but commemorative dildo making ? It’s just silly. Can you imagine putting that on your resume in the hobbies and interests section? And I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to have two identical penises. Unless your husband/lover/boyfriend is on a spaceship or was kidnapped by pirates or something why would you need it? Just use the real thing and keep a trucker happy, if you know what I mean. And I thought I had more to say on this topic, but I guess not.
Moving right along…
There is no graceful segue into this next thing and I think it might even be grounds for having my parental rights terminated for including them both in the same blog post, but fuck it.
I’m a rebel.
I had an interesting conversation with my daughter about penises. Poor Girlfriend thinks she’ll get one when she grows up and I know this because she said “when I grow up big and strong like daddy, I’m going to have a penis.” I had to tell the her the truth about penises and that she’ll have her vagina forever. Luckily, this seemed like good news to her, and she looked at me all wide-eyed, then bent over, looked up between her legs and said “I have a ah-ji-na!?!” I didn’t tell her that maybe she could have her very own penis if her boyfriend/lover/husband buys a kit and makes one for her. Hey! There is a connection!
Anywho, her thwarted penis expectations prompted the following discussion about things that have a penis and things that do not.
Gf: You have a penis?
Me: Yes, and its about 7 inches long and made of glass No. I have a vagina just like you.
Gf: Oh. Ok. Daddy has a penis.
Gf: Alice has a penis?
Me: No. Alice is a girl dog. She has a vagina.
Gf: Does Benny have a penis?
Me: Yes! Benny is a boy kitty.
Gf: Does Aw-nee have a penis? (holding up her very beloved Ernie doll)
I had to think about this one for a second because I had no idea how to answer her. Ernie is a doll! Of course he doesn’t have one! But to her he’s real, so does he? “Fuck it,” I said to myself, “I’ll say yes and see how it flys.” No pun intended. Get it? Flys, penis…forget it.
Me:Yes. Ernie is a boy and has a penis.
Gf: Can I see it? Where is it? Where is Aw-nee’s penis?
And then she frantically searched for Ernie’s penis and was very concerned about him and then I had to explain the difference between alive and not alive while simultaneously explaining the boy and girl parts and the whole thing was a big. mess. because mommy doesn’t think very clearly when she has a hangover has never had this discussion with a small person before and
I chose the wrong answer, but I still don’t know what the right one is.
What do you think? Does Ernie have a penis?
How about now? Does he have a penis now?
Ps: I got mad props from Nilsa this morning and I’m all sorts of touched and honored and stuff because she’s like the sweetest woman ever and her blog is one of my favorites. Go see her. We love her. BUT I’m going to warn you, she is civilized and classy so behave yourselves and don’t put your feet up on the coffee table.