If you dare wear short shorts, Nair for short shorts.
That’s going to go through your head all day now.
(No I’m not.)
So I had to buy some new shorts for our upcoming vacation because the ones I had last year? Yeah, no. They’re a definite no. go. I’m too damn fat for them this year. There was overspill muffin top and camel toe inducing tightness and society says that doesn’t look nice and so I must obey.
And last year’s itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini? Also not so much this year. It looks more like a tourniquet so I have to get a new one of those too so my ass doesn’t turn blue from lack of circulation because nobody likes a blue assed girl.
I think society should pay for the new shorts and the new bikini since they’re the ones who are being such assholes about the whole thing.
And as if I wasn’t depressed enough at the thought of having to buy bigger shorts because it means that somehow after working out every single day and watching what I eat I still managed to gain 10 lbs (!) over the past year, I turn around to see that my husband has tried them on.
And they fit him.
Better than me.
Work it baby,
That’s right people. He’s a Junior size 5.
This is so wrong on so many levels and it can be very depressing when your 6 foot 4 husband can fit into your clothes! He outweighs me by 75lbs!
HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN INTERNET?
IT ISN’T FAIR.
And he eats like shit and he never works out. He calls his workouts “in situ” meaning he gets his exercise by working around the house.
I work around the house too but I gain weight.
What the fucking fuck?
So anyway I should probably tell you so you’re not surprised when you come to see me on Monday morning and find there’s a man in my blog that I’m having a few guests come over to keep an eye on the place while Crissy gets a little well deserved R&R and her husband prances like a pretty princess around a seaside resort town in her new shorts.
You already know all of these people because they’re regulars around here and I’m hoping that they’ve all tried their keys in the door to make sure they work because after today I will be unavailable for consultation.
Monday we have Chris from Surviving Myself
Tuesday is Lynne at In The Rays of a Beautiful Sun
Wednesday is my bff Rachel from Get Your Freak On, which is on hiatus right now because she got a J-O-B.
Thursday you’ll hear from Kiala at Face of the Cookie
Friday is Melissa from Recovering Californian
Okay, I’m going to go and get packed and try to explain to my husband again why
A. It is unacceptable to wear women’s shorts in public or in private without some sort of nod in the direction of hair removal. At. Least.
B. He may not bring his scuba gear for use in the resort’s swimming pool again this year.
That’s right Internets, laugh it up.
My life is a hell.