What would Crissy’s Penis Week be if we didn’t cover all the fun little euphemisms we have for it? I don’t really know either, but it wouldn’t be a very good Crissy’s Penis Week now would it?
Okay, so here goes and I didn’t cheat by going online to look them up, but I was tempted, very tempted:
First we have dirty, dirty ones:
Cock
(seriously, that’s all I can think of for dirty ones. You never hear a porn actress say “I want to suck your wee-wee.” It’s always “cock” this and “cock” that. Right?)
Ones that are also people’s names:
Johnson
Peter
I once had a college professor named Peter Johnson
Willie
Dick
Woody
Long Duck Dong (a high five to the first person to guess what movie that’s from)
Big Lebowski
Bob Johnson
Dick Weiner is the Dean of Arts and Sciences at the college where my husband works:
(he’s actually a VERY nice guy with a real bummer of a name.)
Baby words:
Pee-pee
Wee-wee
Dingle
Winkie
Food:
Banana
Weiner
Noodle
Peanut butter (is what my brother called it when he was little because he couldn’t pronounce penis. Once he zipped his peanut butter into his footie pj’s There’s Something About Mary style. Poor little guy.)
Peanut
Frank and beans
Kielbasa
Summer sausage
Things found at the Home Depot:
Rod
Package
Apparatus
Tool
Unit
Fuck Stick
Blue Steel
Knob
Junk
Prod
Stuff I think people I know made up:
Schletz- I’ve only heard my mom say this one so I think she made it up. I’m not sure.
El Tutubo- That one’s Bren’s.
From the animal kingdom:
Trouser Snake
Monkey
Chicken
Anaconda
Jake the one eyed snake
Cock-a-saurus
Ones I don’t understand the origins of:
Tally whacker
Schlong- What is that? Jewish? And is it related in any way to schlamiel or schlamazel?
Wanker
Disgusting ones that make we want to play for the other team:
The Bolonga Pony
Custard Chucker
Yogurt Shooter
Beef Bus
* notice they’re all food related. You’ll never catch me with a can of whipped cream in my bed. ‘Nuff said.
Ones that sound painful:
Pecker
Prick
Ramrod
Pile driver
The stuff from which legends are made:
Hammer of Thor
Sword
Pocket Rocket
Action Jackson
Captain Winkie
Biggus Dickus
The Bald Avenger
….and I’m spent!
Tell me which ones I’m missing. There’s like, a million!
Similar Posts:
- How Did THAT Get in There?
- And Now I Shall Save Jesus
- Decision ‘08
- Blog Anxiety
- Does Ernie Have a Penis?
April 30th, 2008 at 6:59 am
In romance novels don’t they usually call it a “manhood”…
And I went to school with a Richard Johnson…poor kid didn’t have a chance.
And I’m definitely going to go to Home Depot to ask where the Fuck Sticks are.
And if anyone comes near me with yogurt today I might possibly throw up…
Just sayin’.
ps–it’s b-o-l-o-g-n-a (sing along with Oscar Mayer).
pps–16 Candles.
April 30th, 2008 at 7:49 am
my favorite name of all time…Princess Sophia.
(from one of my boyfriend’s movies–do ya know it?)
April 30th, 2008 at 8:12 am
The One-Eyed Monster. My son used to call it his twiddle when he was little. How cute is that? He also called it his tail. My father has a friend whose name is Richard Long, hence Dick Long. Poor guy. Also, there’s tube steak.
April 30th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Rachel beat me to the punch. If you don’t know that movie reference then please go rent the movie and save the hours it would take to try and get it to make sense.
You missed Skin Boat
The old one eye
The one with the brain
and others but I have not been to sleep yet so my brain is not working very well. I would erase that but every so often you just have to give up the cheap shot.
April 30th, 2008 at 8:18 am
bah 16 candles i knew that one -
by the way its Long DUK Dong
get your asian names straight!
i have 3 more…
wang, jimmy, shaft
April 30th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Rach- I don’t eat the stuff so I don’t know how to spell it, and high five for the 16 candles reference. Princess Sophia? Um…How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?
Lynne- Twiddle…awwww.
Jim- I thought you were early today. Go the fuck to bed, man.
Aznman- 16 Candles was an easy one. Sorry to you and all Chinese for the spelling fuck up. Apparently I’m full of them today. I’m such an egg roll. How did I miss Wang? Is that what the Chinese call it?
April 30th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Just wait and see how many Google hits you start getting on this post.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:08 am
The worst one, in my opinion, is member.
I think your home depot is vastly different from ours.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Twig and berries, this one always makes me laugh.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:40 am
after consulting with a few guys here in the office, we came up with the following:
the babymaker
thumper
meat popsicle
john thomas
fire hose
dork
dude
burrito
chimichanga
the bishop
bratwurst
trouser snake
skin flute
third leg
short arm
schwarz
little man
pecker
joystick
penis
April 30th, 2008 at 9:45 am
The thing that made me cry the first time I saw it.
I was kind of a penis virgin until I was 16 so it kind of overwhelmed me.
Too much?
April 30th, 2008 at 9:47 am
JoeInVegas-I know. It’s going to be nuts. I tried to visit your blog, but I couldn’t find a place to comment. I was there though. A couple of times now.
Arielle- I totally agree! Member is just icky. And your Home Depot doesn’t have fuck sticks? What up with that?
Denise-That’s a good one.
Neth- JOHN THOMAS!!! Remember we used to joke about that all the time? Ugh! I totally forgot that one. May the schwarz be with you!
Kiala- I was what you’d call boy repellent in high school and was 16 the first time I ever even kissed a boy and I felt it on my leg and I got really scared and ran away. They’re scary! Right? Right?
April 30th, 2008 at 9:52 am
I went to college with a Lance Johnson. But he had to call himself that because his full name was Lancelot.
Did I mention that I was a Creative Writing major? This guy was like the catch of the poetry department. I was in fiction, so I wanted to catch the guy and stab him. Especially because this was in the ’90’s and he was the first person who told me about the Dave Matthews Band, which I had never heard of. And then he said he loved Phish. And I had heard of them and then I decided to never be in the same room with Lance again. Because I would implode with rage that a world like this existed.
And this is why, whenever someone says they love Dave Matthews, I feel my pupils constrict and I vow to never believe a word they say.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:59 am
1) Melissa is awesome
2) Purple Headed Soldier! Because he always goes into battle and comes out victorious!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:12 am
I went to home depot to look for a prod. The person had no idea what i was talking about. So I pulled my pants down.
I’m writing this comment from jail. We have wireless!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:17 am
You can get Fuck Sticks at Home Depot?
April 30th, 2008 at 10:17 am
i don’t like dave matthews, but his drummer is unbelievable.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Melissa- I wanted to be a Creative Writing major too but all the other people in that program were boring so I just went for the plain MA instead of the fancy one. How’s that for a way to choose a major?
Chris- Melissa is awesome.
rs27- I’ll be there in 10 minutes with the bail money. In the meantime, ask around for a man called Gonzo. Tell him I sent you and he’ll take care of you until I get there. Oh, and don’t bend over. Whatever you do.
Joy- Why doesn’t anyone believe me?
Neth- That’s a boring comment.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:54 am
I am awesome too!
There is no excuse for Dave Matthews. He is made out of pooh.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Kiala- Kiala is awesome. Now you do me.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:12 am
CRISSY IS HAAAWWWESOME.
(That’s how the kids say it.)
April 30th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I’ll do you!
wait.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Wow - I’m stumped, in awe and slightly scared. This list is impressive. Especially how you categorically organized it. You must work in a library or something.
Re. your comment yesterday. Yes, you can come to my wedding. If you figure out a way to uninvite someone else on my list. Video tape it. And post it to your blog as proof. Then we’ll be talking. Otherwise? My invite list was finalized months ago. Boo.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Nilsa, aren’t you slightly afraid that she might show up strappin’ one on?
yikes.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Kiala- Thanks. I needed that
Chris- If ONLY!
Nilsa- I am so crashing your wedding! I’m going to call Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson to come with me.
Rach- You know me too well.
April 30th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
My boyfriend calls it his manstick or womb bomber.
April 30th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Chris goes in and steals my joke. Stupid sex in the afternoon followed by a nap — I miss all the good blogging.
April 30th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
womb bomber is the best name…EVER!
May 1st, 2008 at 2:11 am
[...] Whosiemawhatsit [...]
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Your Home Depot sells fuck sticks, too?
LOVE the organization of the names…
May 3rd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I once met someone whose name was….Dick Blows. Yeah, I kept a straight face but it was hard. Keeping the straight face was hard, I mean.
May 4th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
just caught 2 minutes of “Shaft” today…he called it “The L.D.”
this was right before, “it’s my duty to please that booty”
I thought I would come unglued.
June 12th, 2008 at 8:06 am
incidentally, dean weiner is stepping down as dean of faculty arts and sciences.
July 18th, 2008 at 1:36 am
Are you aware of a website called generatorland.com? They have a “willy name generator” and it generates some truly inspired euphemisms!
BTW, we met you at Rich and Michele’s at Robin’s graduation cookout. Your blog is hysterical! I especially love the Barbie reenactments of story hour at the library.
p.s. I went to college with a guy named Rich Seamen…
July 18th, 2008 at 5:20 am
@Lonnie: Hey Lonnie! I’m so excited you came to visit me. Thank you! Rich and Michele have never commented, so you’re putting them to shame! HA! Oh, and uh, Rich Seamen? That’s tough.
We have a friend named Bren Seaman. Needless to say his daughters have his wife’s last name.