What would Crissy’s Penis Week be if we didn’t cover all the fun little euphemisms we have for it? I don’t really know either, but it wouldn’t be a very good Crissy’s Penis Week now would it?

Okay, so here goes and I didn’t cheat by going online to look them up, but I was tempted, very tempted:

First we have dirty, dirty ones:
(seriously, that’s all I can think of for dirty ones. You never hear a porn actress say “I want to suck your wee-wee.” It’s always “cock” this and “cock” that. Right?)

Ones that are also people’s names:
I once had a college professor named Peter Johnson
Long Duck Dong (a high five to the first person to guess what movie that’s from)
Big Lebowski
Bob Johnson
Dick Weiner is the Dean of Arts and Sciences at the college where my husband works: 

Dick Weiner
 (he’s actually a VERY nice guy with a real bummer of a name.)

Baby words:

Peanut butter (is what my brother called it when he was little because he couldn’t pronounce penis. Once he zipped his peanut butter into his footie pj’s There’s Something About Mary style. Poor little guy.)
Frank and beans
Summer sausage

Things found at the Home Depot:
Fuck Stick
Blue Steel

Stuff I think people I know made up:
Schletz- I’ve only heard my mom say this one so I think she made it up. I’m not sure.
El Tutubo- That one’s Bren’s.

From the animal kingdom:
Trouser Snake
Jake the one eyed snake

Ones I don’t understand the origins of:
Tally whacker
Schlong- What is that? Jewish? And is it related in any way to schlamiel or schlamazel?

Disgusting ones that make we want to play for the other team:
The Bolonga Pony
Custard Chucker
Yogurt Shooter
Beef Bus

* notice they’re all food related. You’ll never catch me with a can of whipped cream in my bed. ‘Nuff said.

Ones that sound painful:
Pile driver

The stuff from which legends are made:
Hammer of Thor
Pocket Rocket
Action Jackson
Captain Winkie
Biggus Dickus
The Bald Avenger

….and I’m spent!

Tell me which ones I’m missing. There’s like, a million!

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  1. In romance novels don’t they usually call it a “manhood”…

    And I went to school with a Richard Johnson…poor kid didn’t have a chance.

    And I’m definitely going to go to Home Depot to ask where the Fuck Sticks are.

    And if anyone comes near me with yogurt today I might possibly throw up…

    Just sayin’.

    ps–it’s b-o-l-o-g-n-a (sing along with Oscar Mayer).

    pps–16 Candles.

  2. The One-Eyed Monster. My son used to call it his twiddle when he was little. How cute is that? He also called it his tail. My father has a friend whose name is Richard Long, hence Dick Long. Poor guy. Also, there’s tube steak.

  3. Rachel beat me to the punch. If you don’t know that movie reference then please go rent the movie and save the hours it would take to try and get it to make sense.

    You missed Skin Boat
    The old one eye
    The one with the brain
    and others but I have not been to sleep yet so my brain is not working very well. I would erase that but every so often you just have to give up the cheap shot.

  4. bah 16 candles i knew that one –

    by the way its Long DUK Dong

    get your asian names straight!

    i have 3 more…

    wang, jimmy, shaft

  5. Rach- I don’t eat the stuff so I don’t know how to spell it, and high five for the 16 candles reference. Princess Sophia? Um…How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?

    Lynne- Twiddle…awwww.

    Jim- I thought you were early today. Go the fuck to bed, man.

    Aznman- 16 Candles was an easy one. Sorry to you and all Chinese for the spelling fuck up. Apparently I’m full of them today. I’m such an egg roll. How did I miss Wang? Is that what the Chinese call it?

  6. after consulting with a few guys here in the office, we came up with the following:

    the babymaker
    meat popsicle
    john thomas
    fire hose
    the bishop
    trouser snake
    skin flute
    third leg
    short arm
    little man

  7. JoeInVegas-I know. It’s going to be nuts. I tried to visit your blog, but I couldn’t find a place to comment. I was there though. A couple of times now.

    Arielle- I totally agree! Member is just icky. And your Home Depot doesn’t have fuck sticks? What up with that?

    Denise-That’s a good one.

    Neth- JOHN THOMAS!!! Remember we used to joke about that all the time? Ugh! I totally forgot that one. May the schwarz be with you!

    Kiala- I was what you’d call boy repellent in high school and was 16 the first time I ever even kissed a boy and I felt it on my leg and I got really scared and ran away. They’re scary! Right? Right?

  8. I went to college with a Lance Johnson. But he had to call himself that because his full name was Lancelot.

    Did I mention that I was a Creative Writing major? This guy was like the catch of the poetry department. I was in fiction, so I wanted to catch the guy and stab him. Especially because this was in the ’90’s and he was the first person who told me about the Dave Matthews Band, which I had never heard of. And then he said he loved Phish. And I had heard of them and then I decided to never be in the same room with Lance again. Because I would implode with rage that a world like this existed.

    And this is why, whenever someone says they love Dave Matthews, I feel my pupils constrict and I vow to never believe a word they say.

  9. I went to home depot to look for a prod. The person had no idea what i was talking about. So I pulled my pants down.

    I’m writing this comment from jail. We have wireless!

  10. Melissa- I wanted to be a Creative Writing major too but all the other people in that program were boring so I just went for the plain MA instead of the fancy one. How’s that for a way to choose a major?

    Chris- Melissa is awesome.

    rs27- I’ll be there in 10 minutes with the bail money. In the meantime, ask around for a man called Gonzo. Tell him I sent you and he’ll take care of you until I get there. Oh, and don’t bend over. Whatever you do.

    Joy- Why doesn’t anyone believe me?

    Neth- That’s a boring comment.

  11. Wow – I’m stumped, in awe and slightly scared. This list is impressive. Especially how you categorically organized it. You must work in a library or something.

    Re. your comment yesterday. Yes, you can come to my wedding. If you figure out a way to uninvite someone else on my list. Video tape it. And post it to your blog as proof. Then we’ll be talking. Otherwise? My invite list was finalized months ago. Boo.

  12. Kiala- Thanks. I needed that

    Chris- If ONLY!

    Nilsa- I am so crashing your wedding! I’m going to call Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson to come with me.

    Rach- You know me too well.

  13. Pingback: bob johnson
  14. I once met someone whose name was….Dick Blows. Yeah, I kept a straight face but it was hard. Keeping the straight face was hard, I mean.

  15. just caught 2 minutes of “Shaft” today…he called it “The L.D.”

    this was right before, “it’s my duty to please that booty”

    I thought I would come unglued.

  16. Are you aware of a website called generatorland.com? They have a “willy name generator” and it generates some truly inspired euphemisms!

    BTW, we met you at Rich and Michele’s at Robin’s graduation cookout. Your blog is hysterical! I especially love the Barbie reenactments of story hour at the library.

    p.s. I went to college with a guy named Rich Seamen…

  17. @Lonnie: Hey Lonnie! I’m so excited you came to visit me. Thank you! Rich and Michele have never commented, so you’re putting them to shame! HA! Oh, and uh, Rich Seamen? That’s tough.

    We have a friend named Bren Seaman. Needless to say his daughters have his wife’s last name.

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