Don’t Eff With the Effer!

We stayed home most of the weekend and it was very nice except for the huge fight I had with Mister.

It wasn’t even about anything sexy or interesting like his deep and abiding love for black tar heroine, his gambling debts, his penchant for Asian hookers, or even his inability to close cabinet doors after he opens them.

No, no.

It was about procrastination and replacement windows.

When we bought our house in August last year, the lead inspector told us that it was “hot” for lead in all of the windows. The house is 80 years old and it has it’s original six panes over clear bottom with the antique wavy glass in them. They’re very prettyful, but they leak cold air and poison our child with lead dust.

It makes me hysterical.

The good news is that our state has a program where we can have a lead abatement team come and replace the windows and they give us an interest free loan that isn’t due until the house is sold. I keep bugging Mister to get on it before Girlfriend gets poisoned and catches the retardation but he doesn’t listen to me because he’s the worst procrastinator ever, and also because I about have to strap one on and deal with him man to “man.” Otherwise he’ll try to tell me that I can’t even operate my bread machine properly so of course I don’t understand lead poisoning, replacement windows, and state loan programs.

And so we got into a big fight over the windows issue in front of Girlfriend. I know. You shouldn’t fight in front of your kids. Call Family Services. Ask for Linda. Tell her I said “hi.” (she’s my mom)

To make things worse I have a hard time arguing without saying “fuck” eleventy hundred times. I don’t want to swear in front of Girlfriend because she repeats things I say at random playback at the worst possible moments. I just know she’ll jump up at storytime and yell “Damn! You motherfuckers know how to tell a story! Can we do the fucking craft now?”

Without a penis and my beloved fuck word it made for a very frustrating argument that went nowhere and I had no choice but to chuck stuff at his head respectfully disagree.

Clearly, in order to prevent such a thing from happening in the future, Girlfriend will have to learn to cover her ears, and I’m going to have to come to the table prepared for a sword fight.


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  1. I think you should put a little of that lead dust in his martini and see if that changes his attitude. Then when he catches the retardation, you can do whatever you want!

  2. OMG – I think you are my long lost twin. Despite the fact you are tiny and have blonde hair. But neveryoumind. Because you know what? My fiance is such a procrastinator (and also leaves cabinet/closet doors open wherever he goes!). And I swear I feel like The Man when I get on him about certain things.

    Just this weekend, I asked him what he had done with his time. He had spent it looking for real estate (which, until we sell my condo, we are not in the market for). I snidely responded, so, how is the search for a wedding DJ coming along? What came out of his mouth was a string of four-letter words followed by, I knew there was something else I should be doing! Gah!

    BTW, you are always a winner in my book.

  3. I think you should random playback your daughter’s style:

    Ken: Kristen, I know you’re not stupid, you just don’t understand the process…

    Kristen: I understand completely. (Add in all intelligent, pertinent, and explicit details in triplicate here.)

    Ken: There’s just more important stuff that needs to happen first…like, photographic stuff, and blog writing.

    Kristen: (diving under the table) NO! I will NEVA NEVA listen to you! You’re stupid! *spit*

    Ken: *Sigh*

    Kristen: Stupid Daddy! *spit* (but watching the drool fall to the floor then take your finger through it to create a nice middle finger picture for him.)

    Oh, and don’t forget to throw something.

  4. I just discovered you through “evil queen denise”
    I like your site, i feel you got the cahones to say what i cant…….as to kids …the older they get “the bigger their ears get” honest!
    Then they learn to hide around corners to listen to you, when in teen years they TRY to act like they are nOT listening, but they are….but by that time you won’t know anything anyway, according to them.
    good luck and i’ll be checkin in

  5. Lynne- That’s an evil plan that just might work!

    Neth- I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.

    Nilsa- I think they’re all like that. My kitchen looks like that scene in the Sixth Sense where all the cabinets are open.

    Rach- Remember that scene from six feet under where the woman calmly makes her husband’s breakfast, plates it very gently for him, and then smashes his head off with the frying pan? That scene cracks me up every time. Is that wrong?

    Loopsandqueen- Welcome! I have frontal lobe issues and whatever I think sort of just falls out of my mouth. It makes for an interesting life. Oh, and I’m not looking forward to having teenagers. GAH!

  6. She killed him for being…BORING! I live, I mean LOVE, that. I replay that in my mind right after Brad Pitt gets hit by the bus…hopefully your internets will know that reference.

  7. Timmy!- Don’t be modest. We all know you’re hung like a rhino.

    Melissa- Yeah!

    Ashley- I wish the picture was better but we had to be quick about it so the baby wouldn’t see me wearing a penis and get all confused.

    Neth- It’s almost like Rachel knows us.

  8. Oh God. Dane likes to LAUGH AT ME when I get mad and also when I get mad in public he says very loudly, “It’s a good thing you’re pretty.”

    I might smother him in his sleep some day.

  9. You know I love you. Not int hat relationship putting up with each others crap way. I love you in that “Oh shit there is some one as fuck crazy as I am.”

    You know where you respect some one and then thank God that they are married to some one else and live no where remotely close so you don’t have to worry about ending the world in a massive show down of who is crazier or more sarcastic or wittier or just flat out more stubborn.

  10. rs27- If it were 1952 I’d know how to use the damn thing.

    Chris- I eat men like air.

    Joy- You’ve got to try it next time you’re in an argument with a boy. I find it levels the field a little.

    Kiala- There’s nothing worse than to be treated nicely when you’re mad. It’s infuriating.

    Jim- So you wear a strap on when you argue too?

  11. 1) gambling debts and asian hookers?!!?? i feel like i am missing out on this fun! damn him!

    2) i will confront him about his procrastination – ill talk to him about tomorrow. i promise

    3) speaking of saying the word fuck..i NEVER swear at home..and yet i brought my daughter into work last week and the F bombs were flying and i couldnt helpmyslef..i feel so ashamed

    4) i have penis envy too…

  12. Jim- I totally agree. That’s why I keep a spare in my back pocket just in case things get ugly.

    1) You mean the Asian hookers weren’t your idea after all?

    2) Thank you. I know I can count on you to make his life hell.

    3) How do you say fuck in chinese? Oh, wait. You don’t know or you’d be saying it. duh.

    4) I’ll let you borrow it.

  13. Meg- You win! I was hoping someone would come up with that reference! And that makes you my favoritest commenter ever!

    Arielle- Why thank you. Her real name is Charlotte Zoe, but don’t tell anyone or we’ll have paparazzi crawling up our asses!

  14. Please tell me the paragraph describing Daddy Dearest’s favorite things…black tar heroin, gambling, Asain hookers is just funny stuff. This is scaring me more than lead dust from old dindows.

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