High Maintenance

This post is dedicated to my bff Rachel who adopted a cat this week, and who sells me Mary Kay at half price.

To my complete surprise it has turned out to be It Sucks to be a Girl Week here at Crissy’s.

We’ve covered lots and lots of lady business and I feel we’ve bonded, don’t you?

And the boys will forgive us for making them all kerfuffle-y because we talked about our

PERIODS!

I’m sure of it.

Right boys?

Yesterday we talked about poop, and everyone knows poop is “boy stuff” so that post was for them and it made them happy I think. And there’s something very special at the end of this post for them too.

Ok, ummm…let’s see. What else sucks about being a girl?

so many things…so ma-

Oh, I know!

Products!

What would Crissy’s It Sucks to be a Girl Week be without a discussion on the products it takes for me to look even half way acceptable to society? Compare my list to my husband’s and it becomes rather clear why he has time to do stuff like learn how to edit videos and I don’t.

These go in my hair every day:

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And then several times a year I go for highlights that cost $50 million dollars per visit. This is very important as I don’t know what my real hair color is because I haven’t seen it since the early 90’s. It might be blonde, but I don’t want to find out it’s not so let’s just say I’m a Natural Blonde. Mmm-kay?

This is what goes in Mr.’s hair:

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And he spends only $18 a month for a haircut.

And I brush my teeth and floss and use whitestrips every day.

Today I went to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned because nobody likes a toothless girl except maybe people who live in trailers, but we don’t live in one and we don’t want to so I floss my teeth and see my dentist like every good girl with a dental plan should.

My husband brushed his teeth once (I’m hoping) and did not floss and would never bother with whitestrips. Ever.

These are the things that go on my face in the mornings only.

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So that’s a total of 21 things that I use on my head alone in the morning. There’s a whole other mess that goes on at night and I’d show you but you don’t care.

Yesterday I went to the dermatologist to have my face lazered and then burned with acid. It was a lovely experience and after the redness and the blotchyness and the flaking and the shinyness and the peeling and the burning go away I’m sure I’ll look days younger!

This is what Mr. puts on his face:

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His total is 5. He uses 5 things in the morning and that’s not even every morning because he cannot be bothered to bathe that often. He can’t even be bothered to put on underpants, but that’s a whole ‘nuther topic for a different day.

I’ll stop here because I know the boys are dying to see what their surprise is. I guess I just needed a little girl time this week and I know it has been so very, very difficult for the boys. I think their pretty heads might explode if I go into a discussion of the virtues of Shea butter and Mary Kay Mint Bliss foot lotion.

Don’t worry fellas. Next week is all about you and we’ll drink beers and hang around in our underwear and talk about guns and bombs and nailing chicks and stuff.

Here,

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Have some boobies.

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16 comments

  1. HOORAY! I’m now internet famous, thanks Crissy! Does this mean I’m sort of a big deal too?!

    Although I am not sure how I feel about you using my boobies for general internet’s viewing pleasure….

  2. 1) Poop humor is ALWAYS funny (Farts are funny too)

    2) There are advantages to toothless women…..

    3) Hmmm bathing optional and no underwear…damn i hope he changes his pants everyday!

    4) Nice breasts…the question is are they yours???

    5) BTW, the answer to 2) is no need to buy toothbrushes and toothpaste

  3. Yea boobs!

    Crissy you are still low maintenance compared to one my ex’s The woman would not leave the house with out full make up and setting her hair with curlers. That was just to run to the mini mart to get a pack of smokes. She did not own a single pair of non high heel shoes.

  4. I’m sure you don’t need nearly that many products! You probably look adorable when you roll out of bed!
    The boobs are an interesting touch. Are they really Rachels?

  5. It takes me 45 minutes to dry and “style” my hair so that it looks natural, like I spent the day at the beach. Dane thinks I’m insane. I think good hair is power. But if I had boobs like those I would not even need hair. Or teeth, for that matter.

  6. You’re a riot! Seriously. Will you move your antics to Chicago and become my bff? Ahhhh!

    In our bathroom, I get a whole drawer for the products I use daily and another drawer for the products I use on those special days. My fiance? Gets a small corner under the sink on good days. On bad days, he hangs his travel toiletries bag on the door hook. Poor guys – the price they pay for using so little product!

  7. I had some witty comments all ready for everyone and then something happened and it disappeared and I’m sorry.

    Girlfriend is trying to stab the dog’s eyes out with a pen right now so I can’t re-do it.

    In answer to your questions, Yes. Those ARE Rachel’s boobs. She’s self-conscious that the left is so much bigger, but I tell her no. They’re spectacular.

  8. I love that my boobs are famous. Did you take that picture when we had our pillow fight at the slumber party?

    BTW, they are the same size, one just has a little more gravitational pull.

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