I. Am. Super.

I’m not feeling very funny today because I’m depressed about my superpower.

You see, for the past two years I’ve had a superpower. I always wanted to have one, but when I finally got it, well, it wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for. It just figures I’d wind up with something embarrassing and stupid instead of cool and sexy like Wonder Woman, or Batgirl, or Buffy.

You see, I’m Period Woman and my super power is the ability to bleed from my uterus every two weeks without dying.

I suppose my superhuman bleeding would be a little more intimidating and impressive if I had AIDS or some other dreaded disease, but I don’t and so I’ve got nothing. “Get back Joker or I’ll bleed on you!” doesn’t carry quite the same clout as “Get back Joker or I’ll beat the ever loving shit out of you!”

It just doesn’t.

It would be somewhat of a consolation if I got to wear a sexy and sleek costume like Wonder Woman’s. But Period Woman’s costume involves elastic waisted sweatpants, complete with a rope holster made of tied together tampons for holding my bottle of Midol, my supply of chocolate bars, and my knife in case I have to shank some motherfucker. My cape is made of maxi pads with wings pasted together by their adhesive strips and I have an empty potato chip bag with eye holes cut out for a mask.

I tried to jump out of my bathroom window to see if I could fly, but I can’t because I’m too heavy from all the water retention. 

At least my padded cape broke my fall and I escaped without injury.

I suppose having a sexy costume is right out anyway because I look more like The Tick than Wonder Woman.

Nobody wants to see The Tick in Wonder Woman’s outfit.

Nobody.

In case you were wondering, my other superpowers include:

  • The ability to poof out and break out 6 times more than normal thereby giving me the appearance of a Puffer Fish. This could explain why I hate myself and think I’m Fatty McFatFat all the time.
  • Instead of being smart and powerful, I am always confused and weak from hormones and blood loss.
  • Extreme mood swings so I don’t know if I want to hug you or rip your ugly fucking face off.
  • Fat Albert style eating binges.
  • Irrational behavior such as signing the signature pad at the grocery store’s self check out “fuck you” because it wouldn’t accept my coupons, or yelling out of my car window “nice directionals ass munch!” at some old lady in a Buick Skylark.

These are not things superheroes are typically seen doing.

I’ve tried to give my superpower back, but nothing I try seems to work. I went on the pill, which does work, but it turns me into a Frigid Woman instead of Period Woman which is really, very bad because my husband acts like a Super Dickhead when he’s not getting any and that winds up making the Play Through more the rule than the exception and that’s not ok because it’s not recommended for use all the time.

Only sometimes.

I’ve considered going to some dirty hippy an herbalist or something for help but they’ll probably just tell me to drink some sort of tea that smells like feet and tastes like Satan’s semen 39 times per day and I don’t know, but I think I’d rather just bleed to death in that case.

I’ve tried to reason with my uterus, but that didn’t go well.

I’m all like, “Uterus, There’s no need for this. Please be reasonable.”

and she’s all “Bitch, I do what I want. I’m a uterus.”

and then I’m all “I’ll suck you out with my Dyson right now if that’s how you’re going to be about it.”

and she’s all, “fuck off. I’ll bleed right now if you don’t quit buggin.”

and I’m like “bring it on!”

and she’s like “fine I will.”

And the whole thing just goes nowhere and I wind up punching myself in the tummy and people stare at me and it’s just not behavior befitting a superhero.

To say the least.

So I guess I’m just stuck with this superpower for better or worse.

I guess all superheros feel burdened by their superpowers sometimes don’t they?

Fatty confesses: exercise, 55 minutes with Baron Baptiste, Calories 1280, Alcohol units, 0 (!!!!!!), Weight 124 lbs. Am perfect saint-style person. See my halo?

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30 comments

  1. I love you Period Woman! You even have your own theme song…”I’m a bitch, I’m a…” (apparently pre-caffeinated Rachel only knows those words).

    But here is a list of Superheroes that will make you thankful today:

    1. Erectile Dysfunction Man
    2. The Pubic Claw
    3. The Mucus Maven

    I’m sure that once the caffeine kicks in I will be much better at thinking up freaky supers (not that YOU’RE freaky…) 😉

    Fat, I mean Food Journal: Exercise, ran my rear off at work WITH an upper respiratory infection, Calories, less than the day before, Weight, down 3 pounds!!!! Will shine my halo next to yours today!

  2. I’m not sure what is worse, being Period Woman or working with her. She keeps trying to fly off the roof and her pad-cape keeps sticking to everything. Plus, she threatens to cut people when they go near the chocolate jar! On the other hand, not many people can pull off a chip bag mask. Seriously. Don’t worry, in 10 short years you’ll be like me – Mood Swing Woman – able to simultaneously cry, laugh and flip people off!

  3. Rach- Ha, ha, ha, ha! I LOVE my new theme song!!!! It goes a little something like:
    I’m a bitch I’m a lover
    I’m a child I’m a mother
    I’m a sinner I’m a saint
    I do not feel ashamed
    I’m your hell I’m your dream
    I’m nothin’ in between
    You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way

    LOVE. IT.

    Timmy!- Those are the worst Anal Supervillains EVER!! I hate those guys. Dildo Man needs to put a stop to them immediately! Quick! Make the Sign of the Anus in the sky so he knows we need him!

    Lynne- We should join forces! Oh. Wait. I don’t think the world is ready.

  4. Nilsa- I’m sorry! For some stupid reason people’s comments have been going into spam. Lucky for all of us that I check it obsessively to make sure no good comments wound up in there by mistake. WHEW! And thanks for the links. I’ll go check them out.

  5. rs27- Not you too! Ugh. You boys are so squeamish.

    Melissa- I thought about that, but then I’m still on the fence about whether I want another kid or just get a dog instead. I love that I’m responding to you in the same comment box as a boy who is uncomfortable with lady business. Ha!

  6. I heart your super hero costume and HA! Boys think they’re so big, bad and tough and you so much as ACT like your gonna say period and they go all “AHHHHH DON”T, IT HURTS MY EARS!” shut up.

  7. When I was under a lot of stress at my old job, I got my period twice a month also. As soon as I got laid off, everything went back to normal.

    Isn’t it great being a girl and internalizing EVERYTHING so much so that you become physically ill?

  8. You are funny.

    I think you left out that you have superfunny powers too.

    My only power lies in the ability to attract short Hispanic men in flocks. (They are never alone it seems.) So, your powers are pretty cool compared to mine. Oh … unless you include the power to find the slowest moving line in public places. Even if it’s the shortest, I can locate the one that’ll take the longest.

    That’s a crappy power to have. But it is super.

  9. Hi Crissy, first time visitor here. You are very funny.

    As for the long-lasting menstrual cycles, three words: fibroids, anemia, peri-menopause.

  10. @Jan: Welcome!! I do have fibroids and have always been slighly anemic. I don’t know about the peri-menopause.

    Are you a doctor or just very smart?

  11. nope, I dealt with all of those things in my 40s. Now I’m past menopause and never have to mess with that shit again!

  12. We must have Wonder Twins powers or something like that. Ooooh, Oooooh, can I be your sidekick? I don’t go with the flo every two weeks but my super power is to have PMS for two weeks. The surge of estrogen allows me to lift harmles comments to the level of grievous insults and attract enough salt to put the world’s iodine resources squarely within my power. Ooooh, the evil I could do! Mwaaahaaaahaaa!

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