Jesus, Jesus, Bo-Beezus

Friends Don’t Let Friends Die Without Jesus!

was the title at the top of a little postcard I found in my mailbox at work the other day. It was no doubt left there by Lynne who is always leaving me informative things to read like leaflets on “How to handle inappropriate employee behavior” and “How to deal with drug and alcohol issues.” I don’t know what the hell she’s trying to get at with this stuff, but apparently now she fears for my soul.

The postcard says:

If you confess with your lips the Lord Jesus, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, YOU WILL BE SAVED!!

Is it me, or did you have to read that sentence 4 times to make sense of it?

And it still doesn’t make sense.

Confess with your lips the Lord Jesus?

Wait. What?

And if I confess with my lips the Lord Jesus I’ll be saved?

Saved from what exactly?

Having to do my taxes or take out the garbage or give my husband a blow job?

What?

And it goes on to tell me that all I have to do is say this prayer:

Lord Jesus I am a sinner and I repent of my sins. I believe that Jesus is Lord and that God raised Him from the dead. I ask You, Lord Jesus, to come into my heart, take charge of my life, and give me eternal salvation so that I may live with You forever. Amen.

And this will save me from whatever it is I need to be saved from.

That’s all I have to do.

Uh. Ha.

But what happens if I need to be saved from Jesus and not by him? I mean, let’s say I do the prayer and the whole Jesus, Jesus, bo-beezus hand jive thing and then I’m saved and I get to live with Jesus forever.

That is a very big commitment I’m making to someone I’ve never even met!

What if Jesus turns out to be an asshole of a roommate? What if he clips his toenails in the living room, walks around naked a lot (sans manscaping), and forgets to flush the toilet all the time? And what about the bloody hands and feet all over the couch and all the “I’m the son of God so I can eat the whole bag of Sun Chips whenever I want” bullshit.

And from what I hear about him, he’s bossy and judgemental.

Do I really want this happening at all my parties?

Jesus Christ, No!

I’m just not sure I’m down with Jesus’s particular brand of crazy.

So I’m going to have to pass on this offer, just in case it won’t work out between Jesus and me.

Sorry Jesus.

Oh, yes and we have some business to attend to, don’t we?

Fatty confesses: Exercise, 50 minutes power yoga with sadistic bitch Kristin McGee, weight 124.8 lbs, alcohol units 5, calories 1670, (but mostly wine and salad. Must quit eating so much salad ).

You’re all welcome to join my fatty confessional if you’d like.

It’s what Jesus wants you to do.

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21 comments

  1. Apparently Jesus would be saving you from the thousands of calories in a bag of Sun Chips…

    As yesterday was my day off, Exercise minutes:0 (yes, that’s a zero not an O as in “O my God you’re fat!”), calories: fine until the ice cream appeared (can Jesus save me from my love of dairy?), weight: the same.

  2. Yeah, I was never one to do exactly what Jesus wanted me to do. However, that second video? I scared the shit out of my dog by my reaction. Clearly, it was vocal!

  3. “What if he clips his toenails in the living room, walks around naked a lot (sans manscaping), and forgets to flush the toilet all the time?”

    at first i thought this was about me, but then i remembered i manscape.

  4. Where to begin… first, I NEVER understood ANY of what was being said vis-a-vie Jesus, the Father, Son & Holy Ghost, dying on the cross for me-I don’t get that at all, nothing, don’t get of it. Don’t get IT! Don’t get pouring water on babies heads, sit, stand, kneel-you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around-is that what it’s all about?, don’t get the Crouton-o-Christ at mass, don’t get how wine turns to his blood and why I would want to DRINK THAT? Thank you for shedding light on a heavy subject, Crissy. Bravo. On a personal note, my calorie intake yesterday was moderate and I did only weight stuff, no cardio so overall, not a bad day. The good news is all my clothes are TOO BIG!

  5. jesus would probably be a totally laid back roommate and i guarantee you’d probably have an endless supply of special brownines to eat. if you know what i mean.

    but then again, he probably has a big ego and will refuse to do any of the chores. fuck that.

  6. Rach- As far as I can tell that’s the only thing Jesus can save me from. I’m wondering if it works like that “Bloody Mary” thing where you say the name 3 times into the mirror and Mary kills you, only Jesus would appear and do my taxes, take out my trash, and blow my husband. It might be worth a try.

    Denise- I’ll see you there. I’ll save you a seat at the bar.

    Nilsa- I had the same reaction to that video! I wish I had made it!

    Neth- I knew you’d think it was you.

    Chris- So then you think he’d share the Sun Chips with me then?

    Lynne- I never understood any of it either. And
    hooray for baggy clothing!

    Ashley- I’m sure Jesus thinks he’s too good to scrub toilets. I’m not okay with that.

  7. Please tell me you are like 5’2″ or something. Because I weigh much more than you do and now I do not want to leave the house.

    I did not exercise yesterday because I was dying from alcohol poisoning. I’m on my way down to the elliptical right now. GAH.

  8. Kiala- I’m 5’5″ and I outweigh my mom who is the same height as me by 15 lbs. I just cannot outweigh my 60 year old mother. And so I starve and I yoga my ass off.

  9. I am 5’8″ and I weigh um, oh I cannot say it out loud! Let’s just say that I weigh 150 pounds and leave it at that.

    AAAHHHH. I said it, didn’t I? Well, whatever. Now you all know I am carrying 10 extra pounds and it’s all in my liver.

  10. Is this gonna turn into some kind of diet blog? Where very attractive women talk about losing weight even though the guys that love them don’t want them to because they look sexy as hell just as they are? Cause I won’t be happy about that.

  11. Kiala- You’re not fat by any means. But neither am I. Damn you society for making us think we are anyway!!! Assholes!

    Chris- This will never turn into a diet blog. This is an alcoholic blog if anything. So don’t worry.

  12. first of all, i don’t want a jesus blow job. sure, he’s got access to the equipment, and would have to do a superlative job, but i have a TOTALLY different thing in mind when i hear the words, “he’s got the whole world, in his hands.”

    second of all:

    When Im feeling blue, all I have to do
    Is take a look at you, then Im not so blue
    When youre close to me, I can feel your heart beat
    I can hear you breathing near my ear
    Wouldnt you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love

    Anytime you want to you can turn me onto
    Anything you want to, anytime at all
    When I kiss your lips, ooh I start to shiver
    Cant control the quivering inside
    Wouldnt you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love, oh

    When Im feeling blue, all I have to do
    Is take a look at you, then Im not so blue
    When Im in your arms, nothing seems to matter
    My whole world could shatter, I dont care
    Wouldnt you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love
    We got a groovy kind of love
    We got a groovy kind of love, oh
    We got a groovy kind of love

    is not by genesis, but rather phil collins, who was a member of genesis for some time, but they didn’t participate in this song (which was a cover, btw).

    third of all, your mom is hot, and i heart hot moms, especially when they value steaks and blow jobs.

    fourth of all, this blog will never be a diet blog because my wife manages to drink a loaf of bread’s worth of calories on a nightly basis.

    fifth of all, we all are waiting for more pictures of people’s behinds.

  13. Good lord I second Kiala – I was hoping you were a midget…I am also 5’5″ and weigh a lot more. I won’t say how much though…But I am trying this new starving myself thing, so we’ll see how it goes.

    Also, you’re going to burn in hell for eternity as will I for laughing at this post.

  14. how tall are you? 124 is not very…fat at all, even if you were 5’2″ you’d just be plump. maybe you don’t want plump.

    well, good for goal setting anyway.

  15. Erikka- It’s not so much that I think I’m fat. I just need to keep myself on the straight and narrow in terms of calorie intake and exercise so I don’t end up fat. Oh, and thanks for visiting!

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