The Most Boringest Place on Earth

April 18, 2008 on 6:24 am | In About nothing, really, Geinus wasted @ your library, Whatcha Eatin'?, You're NOT hardcore, unless you LIVE hardcore |

-OR- How I Got My Gunt

Okay so yesterday concluded Crissy’s Cat Mid-Week Extravaganza.
Those of you who think it was wrong to get my cat loaded will be pleased to know that he got his revenge on us on Wednesday night when he ate the seedling vegetables that were in my greenhouse window in the kitchen. I came downstairs for my morning yoga torture festival to find dirt and baby basil, baby cucumber, baby squash, baby tomato, and baby Shasta Daisies all over my kitchen floor and counters.

You’d think he would have been grateful for the schwag. But no. Apparently he’d prefer Purple Haze cat nip instead.

Douche.

Anyhow, here’s something else that bores the shit out of me and causes all sorts of problems in my life.

Work.

This is a picture of my desk.

Notice the Vegan cookbook that came in for me yesterday. It’s arrival was the most exciting thing that happened all day. That and the fun Lynne and I had running around doing our hijinks after our director left for lunch.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here because before lunch, this is all the work I had to do.

By lunchtime this is all the work I had done.

As you can plainly see, I am a very dedicated blogger and online shopper worker.

Obviously I had an exhausting morning and needed to take my break.

Here is the message board on the break room fridge.

“Fuck cheese and salami inside my ass.”

Lynne added the swear words to make the Internets laugh. We think we might add swear words every day just to make ourselves laugh and also to piss off and offend people because that’s what we really like.

And with people posting queer shit like this on the fridge, you need a little F-bomb every once in a while. Seriously.

And you know I had to have some of that salami. You how much I love the salami.

But I had to hide my love away because everyone thinks I’m a vegetarian. And I am.

Most of the time.

Here is the break room table. It is my mortal enemy and the reason why I wound up crying in my closet when I tried on last year’s shorts and found a lovely muffin top and camel toe where there had been none previously.

Normally, none of these foods would interest me, but when I’m at work I’m just so damned bored. I go in for water, I come out chowing on some form of bullshit food just to have 20 seconds of pleasure in an otherwise torturously dull day.

Notice how many penis-ish and balls-ish foods we have here. It’s okay to giggle about the honor snacks “munch box.” I do. I mean am I supposed to eat a bag of chips or eat out a co-worker? I’m confused! I don’t know what they want from me!

And who doesn’t love Poppycock?

Nobody. Nobody doesn’t love Poppycock, that’s who.

I think it’s better when eaten in confined spaces such as a random co-worker’s locker,

or snuggled in a shelving unit in the Administrator’s Supply Closet.

And here is my other problem.

It sits behind me on my boss’s desk and talks dirty to me all day.

“Criiiissssyyyy…come and eat me, Crissy. You know you love me, you know you want me, come and take me and tear my wrapper off and lick me! Lick! Me!”

So sometimes people find me doing a jar of chocolates under my desk.

I also like pretzels and twizzlers.

I think I might save this picture until most of the 5lb tub of Twizzlers is gone and then I’ll post it on the fridge.

Ha, ha! Your Twizzler was in the Men’s room! Ha, ha!

Did I mention I use the Men’s room instead of the Ladies?

I do because there are only 2 men who work with us and about 40 women.

Whatever those “ladies” are doing in the staff bathroom?

I want no part in it. But that’s a post for another day.

Anyway, I’m glad it’s Friday and I’m sure you are too.

Happy Weekend Internets!

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18 Comments »

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This was as much fun as you can have at work and still remain employed. Breaking into people’s lockers and the janitor’s closet were the highlights, although “catching” her deepthroating the salami behind the couch was pretty funny too! It’s a good thing she works there with me or I would have died of boredom a long time ago!

Comment by Lynne — April 18, 2008 #
Lynne- I dread your vacation. You know that, right?

***Make sure you all go to see Lynne today. She’s got a great Seinfeld video for you. It’s what Kramer does as soon as Jerry leaves the house, which is pretty close to what we do when the Director leaves for her lunch.***

Comment by Crissy — April 18, 2008 #
I’d use the men’s room. Women’s room. Any restroom. Because I’m laughing so hard right now, I’m about to pee in my pants. You are hilarious. I wish I had a buddy at work to make the mundane more fun. *sigh*

Comment by Nilsa S. — April 18, 2008 #
I know there is no help for my own mental issues but lady yo are not far behind. I think my favorite is you on your knees taking the salami. Did you take the full thing?

Comment by TheMovie Whore — April 18, 2008 #
that picture of you on the shelving unit is awesome, i might have to make it my desktop image.

Comment by Ashley — April 18, 2008 #
Also, true story, after she deep throated the salami, she put it back in the fridge.

Comment by Lynne — April 18, 2008 #
Lynne that was great. I can almost here her giggling as she puts it back in the fridge.

Comment by TheMovie Whore — April 18, 2008 #
I wish I had a job so I could take risks and act out the way you do with snacks.

Oh, wait, no I don’t.

Comment by Kiala — April 18, 2008 #
I can’t believe you do all that at work.

And ha-ha!

those are Librarian glasses!!!

Comment by chris — April 18, 2008 #
it doesn’t LOOK boring.

and i thought you said you had “TMJ” and a “small mouth?” at least that is what you told me 10 years ago.

that’s a pretty sizable salami…

Comment by Hubby Dearest — April 18, 2008 #
Where did that cat picture come from? I think I need that to put on my fridge. And also the one with the cats hanging on the ladder and it says something about just hang in there. Or hang on tight. Or go hang people who are not white and middle class. I think if my walls were lined with these images, I’d be a more pleasant person.

Help me be better, kitten photos.

Comment by melissa lion — April 18, 2008 #
Wait, you get paid to do this? The only place I can think of thats more fun is Chuck E Cheese. Last time I was there I got kicked out of the ball pit.

I was 26.

Comment by rs27 — April 18, 2008 #
I told you that Benny IS the devil.
And it’s true, everyone DOES love Poppycock.
And you have a small mouth and TMJ just like you have “low knees”.

Comment by Rachel — April 18, 2008 #
is it me, or does the fact that a company named “poppycock” uses a motto like “it’s our amazing glaze” strike you as just a wee bit filthy?

Comment by Hubby Dearest — April 18, 2008 #
Or that Crissy has been covered with that glaze all week?

Comment by Lynne — April 18, 2008 #
oh good lord - this post made me laugh out loud a LOT. I told my boyfriend about the munch box because his co-workers always make jokes about their inboxes: “Oh my, my box is quite full right now - it can’t handle very much can it?” And so on and so forth. Anywho, he informed me that W hotels have something in the rooms called the Munchie Box. Tee hee.

Comment by Megkathleen — April 18, 2008 #
its funny you should talk about poppycock. I was too just a few days ago. the only thing I like better than eating poppycock (which i love by the way) is saying the word. i like to use the word poppycock interchangibly with the word bullshit. i made my wife mad when i called the show she enjoys (dancing with the stars) a buch of poppycock. especially after i repeated myself about 3 or 4 times.

Comment by Geoff — April 18, 2008 #
comment number 18 by: jefe
April 20th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
This comment is awaiting moderation.

Bummer about the big kitty eating your veggies. I have peppers and cherry tomatoes started. And way to many seedlings to handle so you can have a few.

http://www.burpee.com/product/vegetables/tomato+honeybunch+-+packet+%2830+seeds%29.do?search=basic&keyword=65110&sortby=newArrivals&page=1#

http://www.burpee.com/product/vegetables/pepper%2C+sweet/pepper+-+tangerine+dream%2C+ornamental+1+pkt+%2830+seeds%29.do?search=basic&keyword=30990a&sortby=newArrivals&page=1

Comment by jefe — April 20, 2008 #