I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned to you before that I really hate storytime.
Well, I do. I hate it.
So I thought I’d come up with a few things that might make it a little more fun and interesting for me.
Because storytime really is all about me.
Show up drunk and fall off my chair.
Point to someone’s kid and ask “whose little twat is this?”
Bring new meaning to the phrase “arms flailing, legs akimbo” by dancing and singing to If You’re Happy and you Know it with more enthusiasm than the kids.
Show the other moms what I learned at pole dancing class.
When it comes time to do the craft, shove all the kids out of the way to get to the table first, George Costanza style. Once there, laugh maniacally at the children. Proceed to fashion a phallus out of the materials provided.
Arrive dressed in royal garb and insist to everyone that I’m the reincarnation of Queen Elizabeth.
Trip a toddler and laugh hysterically when they fall.
Walk in and slap a large dildo on the circulation desk and ask to renew it.
Your thoughts?
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April 9th, 2008 at 6:55 AM
I think you and Lynne should drive around to every library in town, whip out dildos and ask to renew them…or maybe just leave them on the octagenarians desk! *giggle*
I also love that your dream of being Barbie has come true! Carrying one with me today b/c I miss ya babe!
April 9th, 2008 at 7:55 AM
In your drunken stupor, I think you should start flirting with the other moms. Give them the sexy eyes, kissy lips. Maybe even a strategically placed hand on the shoulder or thigh.
April 9th, 2008 at 8:34 AM
Hahahaha - Can you come to NY and hang out? Please???
I think we’d have a lot of fun.
April 9th, 2008 at 8:47 AM
Rach- I think Lynne would be up for that. We already left a penis lollipop on the volunteer desk. They all just blushed and giggled. One of them didn’t know what it was and had to have it explained to her.
Oh, and I miss the shit out of you. Please quit your job tonight and have a martini phone date with me!
Nilsa-I thought of doing that…maybe dry humping somebody’s leg or something.
Chris- I’m all in! Put up the bat signal so I can find you.
April 9th, 2008 at 8:59 AM
the last one is my favorite. you could always walk in wearing a strap on and ask where you can find the karma sutra book….and act frenzied, like you need it RIGHT NOW.
April 9th, 2008 at 9:29 AM
Ashley- I’m laughing and shaking and crying at the Reference desk right now. Dammit. THAT was funny!
April 9th, 2008 at 9:45 AM
I knew those penis pencil toppers would come in handy some day!
April 9th, 2008 at 10:05 AM
wow… you’re not joking about “large dildo.” it’s fatter than her upper arm! i am simultaneously impressed and titillated — i never knew barbie was such a good girl.
i like ashley’s plan. i think it bears further thought. like perhaps, instead of a “traditional” strap on (which everyone’s seen before anyway), go with something like this:
http://ken-gilbert.com/images/ve710s.jpg
just to take the absurdity and vulgarity to a higher level, make sure it shakes a lot when you ask for the kama sutra.
April 9th, 2008 at 10:15 AM
Set up a dwarf-bowling lane and run around trying to put the little harness on other people’s toddlers.
Run around wearing a bib and telling the other kids that “little boys taste like chicken.”
Ask random kids how old they were when they found out they were adopted.
Drill a whole in the end of a dildo and put a pen in it, then go grocery shopping and pay with a check (whipping out your dildopen, of course).
April 9th, 2008 at 10:26 AM
Lynne-Remember when we used them to apply lip gloss?
Neth- That would be awesome! Where the fuck do you find all this shit anyway? WAIT! I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me.
Justin- Ha, ha, ha, ha! I think you just gave me an idea…I feel a trip to the grocery store coming on. Oh. Yes. Wait for it. I’ll bring my camera!
April 9th, 2008 at 10:34 AM
We go to story time at the library every week and I get sweaty palms and hyperventilate a little when the librarian insists we do ring around the rosies, because this involves touching other people.
I think I’d prefer the pole dancing.
PS Please post pics of your butt.
April 9th, 2008 at 10:41 AM
It’s up, do you see it???
April 9th, 2008 at 10:57 AM
Melissa- Ew! They make you touch people? That’s just nasty. There are some pictures of my butt hanging around this place somewhere, but it’s a bit more covered than yours. I’ll do it one day. I’ll be brave like you!
Chris-Yes! I see it, but right now the Reference Desk needs me.
I’ll be there as soon as I can! Get the martini shaker out. I like it shaken, not stirred.
Wait.
That’s the wrong hero isn’t it?
April 9th, 2008 at 11:15 AM
You have outdone yourself. You may want to add a session of walking up behind and goosing every parent.
April 9th, 2008 at 12:13 PM
———–
comment number 7 by: Lynne
April 9th, 2008 at 9:45 am
I knew those penis pencil toppers would come in handy some day!
————–
Thank you Lynne, I was trying to figure out where you got a barbie sized dildo. Too funny
April 9th, 2008 at 4:46 PM
Oh my God! That’s inappropriate! Loved the creative spirit. Great imagination. I had curiosity get the best of me, and I went to Neth’s webside for his suggestion…unbelievable.
April 9th, 2008 at 5:02 PM
Jim-I would but I don’t like to touch people.
Jason- A bunch of us have those little pencil toppers. They are useful for so many things you wouldn’t even believe it if I told you.
Ma- Now we know all those years playing Barbies was good for something after all! Um, do you want us to get you one of those chin strap dildos for mother’s day?
April 9th, 2008 at 6:45 PM
I’ve been laughing too hard to really come up with some good ideas for you. I think you should combine them all into one crazy trip to storytime. Also, bring a big purse and be sure to drop it so the contents scatter when you fall over drunk. I assume your purse if filled with pills, little bottles of booze, and penis lollipops? Of course it is - who am I kidding?
April 10th, 2008 at 8:45 AM
Megkathleen- I am totally in love with the purse load of crazy!!!! I don’t even have to purposely pack anything in there because all the things you listed are already there. I’m not kidding.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:00 PM
So I’m thinking perhaps Barbie needs to lay off the sauce a bit….. maybe spend some time in Betty Ford?
April 10th, 2008 at 1:46 PM
K2-I agree. She’s out of control.